Mandatory Fun

Ashokan Farewell

2011-02-23T13:15:00.004+10:00

"Ashokan Farewell", better known as the theme song from Ken Burn's "The Civil War" has been playing in my head and on my stereo at work and in the car for a while now. The theme of the music kind of matches where I am in my head right now. If you have never heard it, go on Youtube and do a search, either on Ashokan Farewell or "The Civil War Music". It's an instrumental that's all violin and guitar. Slow, ploddingly slow, filled with regret, some sadness, and just a touch of backward looking thrown in for good measure.

I have to do something real soon that I am not looking forward to. It's necessary, at least in my mind, but "necessary" doesn't make it more pleasant. For me or anyone else involved. In some ways, the actions I will be taking will be decidedly unpleasant.

There are significant changes coming. Some of them soon, within hours. Others over a course of time. With these changes will come a mix of sadness and anger for some, relief for others.

Anger at me.
Regrets.
Wasted opportunities.

Change is in fact inevitable, but not necessarily good. No, these changes won't be good, not by a long shot.

I just hope that everyone involved understands that the actions I am about to take are both regrettable and necessary, at least where I am sitting. These decisions are ones that I have made and delayed, but the time has come to "get to the getting". To "piss on the fire and call the dogs".

The results of these changes will speak for themselves, in ways I probably cannot even fathom right now. I hope that the actions I am about to take work out well for all involved. Given that it's something I'm doing, probably not, but hope springs in the heart of a fairly young man.

Let's just see what happens.

The Silent Treatment, Future Jobs, and Health Care

2011-02-17T12:51:00.001+10:00

There are people that I know who believe that “the silent treatment” is a great tool for punishing people around them in a subtle but unmistakable way. They believe that if they say nothing or very little, the person who is the target for this will be sent a message that they are, in some way, not happy or angry. Their silence, they believe, is an indication that the person being targeted with the lack of noise is being punished by not hearing the words coming out of their mouth that they may be accustomed to hearing.

The problem with this approach is people like me. I don’t view “the silent treatment” as a punishment; that the person being quiet is causing me pain. No, kidlings, I look at it in the opposite way. When a coworker or someone else is being quiet, my first reaction is “Thank Christ he/she is not trying to talk to me.” In fact, most of the time I view the quietness as A Good Thing. This is especially true if it’s a person who has a tendency to bitch/moan/complain a lot, or has opinions about Every Subject Known to Man (most of which are stupid/boring/make no sense/all of the above). Silence is Golden, indeed.

+ + + + + + +

Here’s something to think about. Right now, in 2011, there are a lot of people employed in professions that did not exist 20 years ago. This is mostly due to the advancement of technology and changes in society in our world.

With that in mind, think about a job that you would love to do that doesn’t exist right now. Something that you would be good at and at the same time, enjoy immensely.

My personal choice would be Professional Masturbator. Job doesn’t exist, but maybe in the future it would, for whatever bizarre reason. Probably have to be done on a quota system, and, come to think of it (no pun intended) it probably already exists in the adult entertainment industry.

Still, it would be pretty cool to get paid for doing something we all already do for free. (Admit it, you masturbate. I know I do and have no problem with admitting it).

+ + + + + + +

Why do they call doctors and nurses “health care providers”? Do these people actually give you good health, or are they simply advisors to tell you ways to reach good health? “You look like shit. Here, I will provide you with some health”. Seems to me that they’re people who help you when your health really sucks.

+ + + + + + +

I find irony in a lot of things, especially here on Guam. For example, take American Grocery, which is a large very popular grocery store located in the heart of Dededo. It is staffed by a group who is 95% Filipino, and stocked with food that is 90% Chinese, Japanese, Filipino, and Korean. The store itself is owned by a Korean. Yet it’s called American Grocery. I find that a little weird.

+ + + + + + +

Getting older sucks, but, as I pointed out to my wife, it beats the hell out of the alternative, which is not getting older.

Plethora of the Inane

2011-02-17T07:29:00.000+10:00

Good morning and Welcome to Thursday. A full-bore plethora of this and that for your reading edification, for that handful of people who actually take the time to read my insane gibberish.

An old Chamorro guy and I were chatting the other day while I was waiting on the laundry to do its thing. He told me that we’re in the dry season here on Guam. If that is in fact the case, then it’s starting out as an awfully wet dry season. It has done nothing but piss down rain most of this week. Yesterday I spent most of the day in rain, the good news being that I was indoors for most of it.

+ + + + + +

Did something last night that I rarely do. I’ve had the beard off now for the better part of 4 months, trying to give my skin a bit of a break from all the hair. Last night, the moustache finally left the face, which has only happened probably 5 times in the last 20 years or so. I must say, I look different, like looking at a stranger this morning when I was doing my early morning grooming.

+ + + + + +

In two separate attempts, it has become apparent that I suck at marriage or marital bliss. It should also be noted for the record that my present wife, The Gorgeous One, also suffers from the same affliction. I continually (but completely unintentionally) do things that piss her off. Try as I might, there is always something that I’ve either done or didn’t do or some personal quirk that I have that irks her.

By the same token, every time she opens her mouth, in general it’s going to be something bad. It’s not like it was before; far from it. We used to be one of the most lovey-dovey couples on the planet. Not so much anymore. Maybe it’s the fact that we’re both working our asses off, or that she’s had a couple of health problems lately. I love the woman to death and always will, but something’s gotta change and soon.

+ + + + + +

In three days time, I will once again attempt to stop smoking. It has been an ongoing struggle between me and Demon Tobacco for three decades. The problem is that I love to smoke, but it’s a relationship similar to being hopelessly in love/lust with a serial killer. Fingers (and maybe dicks) crossed that I will finally be able to kick the habit. Every other attempt has ended in Utter Failure.

+ + + + + +

I love to rock out, and always will. With that said though, lately I’ve been in kind of a country-bluegrass place musically. A lot of Ashokan Farewell (which is probably the most beautiful and horribly sad songs ever written). Plenty of Garth Brooks, Marshall Tucker Band (for the southern rockiness of it). Liberal doses of John Denver (Grandma’s Feather Bed is simply a fun song that I love to sing along to). Dunno why I’ve been getting my redneck on, but I think it has to do with finding comfort in something old and familiar when the world around you is doing it’s utmost to kick the living shit out of you.

As far as reading is concerned, I’ve started rereading a lot of old Hunter S. Thompson books, namely Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail ’72, and a couple of others. “The Vegas Book” as the Good Doctor referred to it, still holds up really well as one of the funniest books ever written. Death to the Weird, indeed. Hunter S. Thompson was the 20th Century’s Mark Twain, and so much more.

+ + + + + +

I have to give some training this morning on one of the little projects that I am working on, so that a larger number of people in my department can share the pain. To some people, this would be a pain in the ass, but in reality I like giving training. Always did, always will. There is something very satisfying about passing on knowledge that will make those you work with learn something new, and there is the potential that doing so will give me more time to work on other things once these guys are up to speed.

+ + + + + +

More later. Must have coffee and a cigarette.

Job Stuff, Head Space, and Bad Driving at Its Finest

2011-02-15T11:29:00.001+10:00

A look at job stuff, head space, and bad driving on a near criminal level……

One of my friends turned in his resignation yesterday where I work. Well, the word “friend” doesn’t quite cover it. He’s more like a brother than a friend, someone I would happily commit misdemeanors for if he needed something. Anyway, I knew that the resignation was coming now for a couple of months, and knew it wouldn’t be long in coming. The Management Team supposedly refused his resignation, even refused to pick up the paper it was written on.

It changes nothing, because a week from this Friday is his last day with our company, and that’s sad. Sad that it had to come to that. Management is in a panic mode now, but it’s way, way too late for them to do anything to convince him to stay. Pieces are already in motion at the new company my brother will be working at, and the move is going to happen. I’m happy for him because it means a better quality of life for him and his family; sad that our company was so utterly blind as to not see it coming. Also sad that I won’t get the opportunity to work with this mischievous genius every day. I know that he will be the first of a large group who will be leaving the company in due order.

What really gripes my ass is the fact that our management thinks that everything is hunky-dory. They ignore the data gathered from their own employee surveys that show that morale is at an all-time low within the company in general and my department in particular. Something has to change and soon; otherwise the flood gates will open and there will be a mass exodus from what used to be a great place to work.

When I started with this company 4 years ago, I was excited about my job. Loved it, in fact, and couldn’t wait to see what the next day had in store for me. Now, it’s just a paycheck and nothing else. I’ll do what is expected of me, but won’t pour the energy and drive into what I am doing like I did before. As Alexander Hamilton once said, “it has come to that”.

That and the fact that, simply put, I don’t give a shit anymore.

+=+=+=+=

My head has been in a dark place now for the past couple of weeks, due to issues that I deem way to personal to get into in a blog or any other format. Personal and professional things have been weighing heavily on me, but I try not to dwell on any of it too much. These are things that are best kept to myself, and that I’m dealing with it. The only reason I mention it at all is so that everyone who interacts with me on a daily basis understands if I’m a bit moody. Since I’m sure someone will think of it, no, I do not feel like hurting myself or taking my own life, nothing like that. Let’s just say I’m going through some “dark times” and leave it at that.

+=+=+=+=

There is an old bad joke that says if you want to lower the IQ of (name a race or country of origin), simply put them behind the wheel of a car. That can also clearly be said of the locals here on Guam. In the past two days I have seen behavior on the road so bizarre that it defies description. Complete and utter stupidity on a level I have never witnessed before, to include the 14 combined years I lived in Korea.

Driving an automobile is not a complicated thing, but apparently to a lot of people here it’s something they struggle with pretty hard.

+=+=+=+=

That is all ye know and all ye need to know, at least for now.

Questions Questions Questions

2011-02-10T15:59:00.002+10:00

Some questions that I have pondered recently, in my going and coming………

Why is it that when a man does what his significant other (wife/girlfriend/friend with benefits) does exactly what the woman wants him to do, he sometimes still gets in trouble?

What, exactly, is a “worst case scenario”?

Why is it that if a woman sleeps around with a wide assortment of people, she is considered a slut or a whore, but when a man does it, it’s considered “part of being a man”? Seems a little unfair to me to those who just like to fuck, and there should be no prejudice towards a woman who happens to really like sex.

Why is suicide illegal? I think in some cases it should be encouraged.

Why is it that I can never marry into a family where my in-laws are sane or what would be considered by most people as “normal”? I am extraordinarily fond of many of my wife’s family members, especially those who live in Olongapo. With that said though, some of my in-laws can best be described as “out of their fucking minds”. Two marriages, two groups of people that are by and large borderline batshit crazy. Some of my ex-in-laws were also insane as well. Then again, my family isn’t exactly what anyone would consider as “normal”either.

Why does it seem that those who use the phrase “mind your own business” a lot are incapable of doing just that?

Why are used cars so insanely expensive on Guam?

Why does it seem that there are no thin or ‘height weight proportional” people in the Guam Police Department? Practically every cop I have ever seen on this island appears that they would drop dead of a heart attack if they had to do anything more strenuous than write tickets, beat up Chuukese, and overeat.

Why are so many of the locals so overly fascinated with Bob Marley? Everywhere you go, Bob Marley t-shirts, posters, and other memorabilia everywhere. Marley was Jamaican, not Chamorro. The only connection I can see is because both Jamaica and Guam are islands, and nothing else.

Not to sound racist, but when am I going to meet a cool person from Palau? Every person I have ever met who is proud of coming from Palau seems to be an asshole. Maybe I just haven’t met the really cool Palauans yet, and it’ll happen soon.

Speaking of race, here’s one for ya. Why is it that those who consider themselves dash Americans (Korean-American, Japanese-American, Afro-American, etc) encouraged to be proud of their heritage, but if a Caucasian male makes any noise about being proud of what they are, that white guy is considered a racist, even if he’s not. Granted, the slogans would sound kind of lame (“Proud to be Whitey” kind of doesn’t work), but there is a definite double standard there.

Why is it that there are an inordinate number of Caucasian idiots on this island? Granted there aren’t that many white people here, but a lot of times I see shit that just makes me ashamed to be associated with other white people. Per capita, I think the idiot quotient is a little higher with us white folks.

Maybe I didn’t get the memo, or I’m now officially old, but when did it start to be considered to be attractive for a woman to be covered from head to toe with tattoos? A few I can understand, but the whole body thing just doesn’t work for me. Detracts from the natural beauty of a woman if you ask me.

Harder and Stranger: A Random Mishmash of Thoughts

2011-02-10T13:24:00.001+10:00

“And when money talks for the very last time,
And no one walks a step behind,
When there’s only one race and that’s mankind,
We shall be free”
Garth Brooks

A mishmash of thoughts and observations, kinda thrown together in random order.

Getting Shown the Door
Another guy I work with got fired the other day from my department. Apparently the folks from HR thought he might get violent after getting the news because immediately outside the door of the room they were doing the firing in were three of the biggest dudes I have ever seen in my life. This was the first Chamorro I saw who was well over 6’6” and looked like he would not take any shit off of anyone. The firing went off without incident and no one got hurt, at least physically.

I feel for the guy who got fired, because I know him and his wife, and always thought him to be a pretty decent dude. I know some of the “behind the scenes” stuff as to why he got canned, but I’m sure that there is a whole lot more I don’t know. That’s why it sucks to work for a company that can fire you “at will”.

Driving With the Cham-Tards (Chamorro Retards)
Every time I think I have seen it all in regard to bizarre behavior from my fellow citizens when they get behind the wheel of a car, something always happens to make me scratch my head. WTF moments that cause a guy to pause for a minute and ponder if the person behind the wheel has any clue about what they are doing.

This happened to me today. Driving home from work, and a lady (I checked) could not make up her mind where she wanted to make a right turn. She looked like she was turning right, made indications that she was in fact going to turn and even started the turn, but changed her mind at the last minute and decided to go straight. This happened 4 times in the space of 100 meters of road.

BTW, if you happened to be that lady in Hagatna, and heard someone say something along the lines of “What the fuck are you doing?” – that was me.

Surviving Versus Living
Living a Life = squeezing every single bit out of life, making each and every day count for something. Doesn’t necessarily mean just your job, but everything in life. Trying to have as much fun as possible, constantly looking for new experiences, doing new things. Enjoying everything that comes your way, or at least making an effort to enjoy them and not focus in any way on the bad shit.

Surviving a Life = just trying to keep a roof over your head and food in your belly. No time for enjoying life; more like just trying to get through it with some semblance of sanity left intact. Being tired all the time. Bones hurt, body aches. Wife is always pissed off about something and is never “romantically inclined” (meaning “in the mood for love”), boss is not a happy camper. Zero chance for promotion at work, raises few and far between. No extra cash laying around for anything. Work your ass off, go home, and hope to get a little dinner and TV before jumping right back in the rat race.

I don’t know about anyone else, but right now I’m in survival mode. Trying to see the good and not focus on the bad, but right now it’s damn near impossible.

Getting Stuck
Currently at my job, I am the stuckee on a project that has everyone in a twitter over at The Death Star (my name for Corporate Headquarters) here at Totally Bogus Communications. It’s called Asset Tracking, and I’m the stuckee for my department because I was given the project 2 years ago to get it up and running. Two years have passed, and nothing else has been done on it, so guess who gets stuck with it again.

This is maddening to me, because I’m not a logistics person, but got stuck with it anyway. So I have been busting my ass getting shit organized and back up to speed, but because of that, have not been able to focus my attention on my primary job. This forced me to recently tell my three bosses to not get upset if shit starts breaking or falling through the cracks, because I can’t do both at the same time. Because the project takes a lot of highly tedious work to get done, I have also recommended to the bosses that they hire someone full time to do it. Because what I suggested meant actually spending money, this was of course rejected out of hand. Yep, it just keeps getting harder and stranger around here.

“When the Going Gets Weird, the Weird Turn Pro.” – Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Slanguage

2011-02-08T07:38:00.001+10:00

It’s no secret that I have always been fascinated by language. Not just English, which is my native language and one that I’m somewhat fluent in, but all languages. Phrases, especially those that are considered slang or slanguage, interests me a lot.

Here are a few phrases that have crossed my frontal lobes recently.

QUIET DESPERATION
I love this phrase, because in two simple words, there is a lot of power. It means that things are so incredibly fucked up, the spoken word cannot possibly convey how fucked up the situation is. Whatever is going on is so horribly wrong, it defies description. I have “been there, done that” on more than one occasion.

I WOULDN’T PISS ON HIM IF HE WERE ON FIRE
A product of my Missouri/Colorado upbringing, heard many times from the males in my family. Contrary to popular belief, this doesn’t mean that the speaker has an urge to urinate on someone. What it means is that a person is so beneath contempt, so utterly worthless and assholish, that the speaker would rather watch the person burn to death rather than helping put out the fire in a vulgar fashion. I often use this phrase concerning nearly every member of the Executive Management Team of the company I work for.

TAKING A SHIT/PISS
Ok, if you’re taking it, exactly where are you taking it? For that matter, why are you taking it?

IT IS WHAT IT IS
This phrase is both annoying and amusing at the same time. Annoying when overused, amusing when it slid into a conversation every once in a while. It defines something without either sugarcoating it or making it sound worse than it actually is.

REFERRING TO SOMEONE AS “A DICK”
The use of the word dick as a description confuses me somewhat, even though I use it often. On one hand, a dick is something that is very personal to most men. Even if our dicks are small, they are a part of us, a part that sometimes shapes our masculinity. I don’t know one man who isn’t quite fond of his dick. I like my dick a lot, even though it has gotten me into a lot of trouble throughout my life.

With that said, calling someone a dick is a great way to express negative feelings towards another person or about another person. When someone tells you, “That guy is a dick”, you know for a fact that the person speaking holds the other person in a high level of distain.

These are just some of the things I think about when I’m overly tired, or my imagination starts running wild.

Weirdness at the Edge of Town

2011-02-03T13:25:00.001+10:00

“When the Going Gets Weird, The Weird Turn Pro.”
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

A little bit of this, a smidgeon of that, along with a heaping pile of my usual bullshit.

+++++++++

I know for a fact that my wife loves me. If she didn’t, then she would have been gone a long time ago. She doesn’t continue to put up with my bullshit because she has no other options, either financially or romantically.

With that said, though, I’m also intelligent enough to know that there are many times when she doesn’t really like me. When I hear the contempt in her voice, I know at that moment that she is thinking that I either have a learning disability or I’m slightly retarded.

I will freely admit that I suck at marriage. I’m far from the greatest husband in the world even though I worship the ground my wife walks on. I do things that I know will piss my wife off, but for some reason can’t stop doing those things, no matter how hard I try.

Maybe I am a little retarded after all.

++++++++++

The other day, as I was driving past Latte Stone Park near my house, I noticed a large group of Japanese tourists doing their thing. It reminded me of a question that has often crossed my mind when I come across a large group of Japanese tourists throughout my travels around Guam.

The question is this; is it a requirement that every Japanese male who is on vacation has to wear the ugliest hat available to him? We’re not talking just ugly. I’m taking about hats that are so hideous that they would be found in the “marked down for immediate sale” bin at even the shabbiest of stores. Headgear so bad, even Stevie Wonder wouldn’t wear it.

These same guys who are rocking the horrible lids almost always are in the company of really beautiful women. Not just your average every day run-of-the-mill pretty girl; I’m talking about some women that make a brother stop in his tracks just to admire what he is seeing. Is there a correlation between the shitty chapeaus and the gorgeous women-folk? Something to think about.

++++++++++

There are a small group of my best friends on the planet who, unbeknownst by their present employers, are getting ready to walk off their jobs. All of these friends are fed up with their present employer, and it all has to do in some form or fashion with leadership.

People deserve to be led, not managed. You manage equipment, systems, situations. Human beings have to have leadership. You simply cannot manage people. Doesn’t work, never has, and never will. It’s sad because this group of friends have literally bled for the company that they work for, sacrificed themselves, put their families second to the needs of their employer on many occasions. Kids birthdays missed, quality time with the spouse set aside, vacations never taken.

I know the people that these friends work for, and would love to be a fly on the wall when they go in to hand in their resignations. Not for the ugliness involved, because there will be nothing ugly about it. These guys know how to do things in a classy way. No, the reason I would like to see it when it happens is to see that moment of awareness in their managers face when he realizes “I have well and truly fucked up, big time”.

++++++++++

That is all Ye know, and all Ye need to know, for now anyway.

Disconnected Thoughts

2011-01-28T11:51:00.001+10:00

Ever listen to a piece of music that was totally sad and a bit depressing, but one you couldn’t stop listening to because you loved it so much? That’s where I am right now with a song called Ashokan Farewell. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it was the overall theme music for Ken Burn’s great multipart documentary The Civil War that aired on PBS about 20 years ago.

Simple violin and guitar, playing what I consider a cross between a dirge and a serenade. It makes me sad every single time I hear it, but at the same time, I simply adore it. I actually loaded it into my phone, so that whenever the urge strikes me, I can listen to it.

= + = + =

Once in a while, you get one of Those Moments that kind of sticks in your memory, stands out from all of the other gibberish that we all have to deal with.

The wife and I are kind of a strange couple, in that we don’t actually do a lot of shit together. I’ll get home from work, and we’ll talk briefly, but end up with her in the bedroom watching Filipino TV and me in the living either watching TV or farting around with the computer. It’s not that we don’t love each other; it simply means that we are both into different stuff for entertainment.

Last night, we sat around the kitchen table and talked, for a good long time, about important things and things that are not important. It reminded me, yet again, how insanely beautiful and fascinating my wife is. It was one of those moments when a guy has to count his blessings and be thankful for what he has, rather than what he may want or thinks he deserves.

Why this woman married a knucklehead like me, I have no idea.

= + = + =

If you haven’t discovered it yet, there is a wonderful site on the web where you can obtain free music, if you are a cheap bastard like me. If you have ever been on YouTube and heard something that you wanted for your very own, there is a way to obtain it. While you are rocking out on YouTube, open another browser window and go to listentoyoutube.com. You then copy and paste the URL of the song that you want for your own self into that page, and it will strip the audio and convert it to an MP3. Pretty cool if you are looking for rare shit that people have posted, or just want to hear the audio of something that you saw, like an interview.

= + = + =

More later. Lots of deep stuff swimming through this noggin of mine that I need to capture in a format that normal people can understand.

The Last of My Gibberish for 2010

2010-12-31T09:25:00.002+10:00

"As I walk through this wicked world
Searchin for light in the darkness of insanity.
I ask myself: Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?
And each time I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny bout peace love & understanding?
What's so funny bout peace love & understanding?"
Elvis Costello

Well, kids, it’s New Years Eve Day here on the lovely island of Guam. As I write this, there are less than 16 hours left in this, The Year of Our Lord 2010.

Now I could, if I really wanted to, go off on some maudlin rant about how 2010 was a shitty year, and then list all of the shittyness in detail. I won’t do that, though. That would be Wrong, Petty, and more importantly, Boring. No one wants to read that kind of whiny emo bullshit, no matter who writes it.

Let’s just say that 2010 was not one of my better years, and leave it at that.

I have absolutely zero plans for celebrating the coming of 2011. My lovely bride is spending this Holiday Season with her family in the Philippines, and they are planning on having a normal Filipino New Year. Lots of food, fireworks, and a little Craziness thrown in for good measure.

I, on the other hand, will probably be spending the evening in our apartment having a long serious talk with my personal physician, Dr. Bombay Sapphire. I have neither the money nor the desire to head out Amongst Them in the bars and hotels, indulging in Bad Behavior and using the excuse that it’s the beginning of a New Year to get away with it.

For me, New Years Eve just marks the fact that I have survived yet another year on this earth, above ground as it were, and haven’t yet had to take "The Long Dirt Nap". Who knows what the New Year has in store for me, or for any of us for that matter?

My hopes for 2011 are pretty simple, actually. Win the Guam Sports Bingo, retire to the Philippines, and spend a few weeks back in the good old US of A seeing a bunch of family and friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. I would dearly love to make a trip to Texas to see my daughter and meet my son-in-law and grand daughter. Go back to Colorado and see my parents, spend a little back porch time with my dad. Swing by Missouri for a few days, then on to Oregon for a few days before heading back to the Philippines and retirement.

When I mention “retirement”, I mean living a quiet life “under the radar”. Live in a small house out in the provinces. Enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Fresh pan de sal delivered by bicycle to my house every morning. Hearing the laughter of my wife and her sisters. A lazy afternoon in a hammock under two mango trees, a gentle breeze to cool my fat ass. Firing up the BBQ and indulging in some pork the way my wife cooks it. Simple stuff, true, but the thought of those things appeals to me.

Aside from that, I don’t have Plan 1.

On behalf of my insanely beautiful and wonderful wife, who I miss terribly, I wish you all a very Happy and Prosperous New Year, a year filled with peace and love. May your homes be filled with laughter, a song in your heart.

Prosit Neujahr!

Manigong Bagong Taon sa Inyo!

Akemashite Omedeto Gozaimasu.

2010-12-29T12:33:00.002+10:00

Thoughts on the human condition from my point of view here in the cheap seats……..

I have been known, from time to time, to literally bite the hand that feeds me when it comes to talking trash about the people who sign my paycheck. With that said, though, I have to compliment those who manage my department. They held a department appreciation luncheon yesterday at one of the nicer hotels here on Guam, with just the people in my department in attendance. It was a chance to break away from the Bad Craziness and sit down together as a group and enjoy a fine meal together, all on the companies’ dime and the companies’ time. Although I am generally opposed to outings like this, I had a good time, ate some good food, and had a few laughs. Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday afternoon.

=+=

The Wife (aka The Gorgeous One) has extended her visit to the Philippines for a week, and is now due to arrive back on Guam on January 10. We talk every evening, just to let each other know that we’re still alive and still very much in love with each other. Short conversations that usually don’t last more than 5 minutes, but they mean a lot to me (and I think to her too).

Even though our apartment is relatively small, with her not here it seems a whole lot bigger and a whole lot emptier. It’s weird to say it, but I actually miss her occasional nagging when I screw up at home, like forgetting to take the trash out. Still, she’s getting to spend some time with her family and recharge, so I absolutely have no room to say anything. Hell, if we had the money, I’d be there too.

= + =

Much like the way I spent the Christmas holidays, I have absolutely zero plans for New Years Eve or Day. I may have a conversation with Dr. Bombay in the privacy of my own home that evening, but as to going out to a bar, that simply won’t be happening. It will be way to crowded and way too expensive, and without the wife being here, kind of pointless. New Year celebrations at my age are merely a celebration that you have managed to stay above ground for another year without doing significant harm to yourself or others, and not a reason to go spend tons of money with complete strangers getting shitfaced in a bar.

= + =

Being that I am an early riser, I have gotten into the habit of turning on the TV and flipping it to one of the CNN stations, since it seems that every other channel is rocking the infomercials at the hours I get up at. Because of that I have come to the conclusion that Headline News really contains no news at all. Stories that don’t matter a damn to anyone but the most superficial amongst us. The only reason to watch at all has to do with the eye candy who happen to be staffing the news desk. Richelle Carey is totally not hard on the eyes while dishing up the rubbish that passes for news on that station.

That is All Ye Know, and All Ye Need to Know, for now anyway.

They Didn't Tell and I Didn't Ask

2010-12-29T12:31:00.001+10:00

A lot of people who know my background have recently been asking me my opinion concerning the recent repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, which as we all know dealt with gays now being able to serve openly in the military. After all, I did spent 15 years wearing the green suit and another 11 as a Department of Defense civilian.

Even though the President has already signed the legislation, there is still work to be done within the multilayered bureaucracy that makes up the DoD before it will actually take affect. You would think that some of the planners in the Pentagon would have maybe come up with some of the background stuff that would need to be kicked into gear in the event that it actually happened, and I think someone probably did. Still, it will take some time before the new internal policies and procedures are in place before it will be truly safe for gays to openly admit their sexuality while wearing the uniform.

In my time in uniform, I knew more than a few people who were gay and serving. Some of them kept it totally on the down-low, and a person would be hard pressed to guess that the soldier in question was gay. Others I have known, to include a couple of noncommissioned officers, were damn near stating it point blank. My mind wanders back to a staff sergeant I knew on Okinawa who was so flamboyant that you just knew he was gay. He carried himself like a drag queen while wearing BDU’s, called nearly everyone who he was friendly with “Honey”, and practically had “I Like Cock” tattooed on his forehead. A walking stereotype, to be sure. He was also, I might add, a good NCO, a friend, and a superb technician.

Having said all of that, I never had any problems with gays in uniform, and don’t now. We all need someone to love, and all have our own personal attractions as to what we as individuals feel is beauty and what turns us on sexually. Who the hell am I to judge anyone on something as personal as who someone should love? There is an old axiom that says that “there are no atheists in foxholes”, and I think the same can be said about an individual sexuality. When the shit hits the fan, no one cares a damn who or what you happen to lick/suck/fuck when you’re in the privacy of your own bedroom (the exception being those who happen to dig children and furry creatures). By and large, most people just care that you’ll hold up your end and be someone that can be depended upon. Do your duty and take care of your end of the deal. Everything else is just details.

Much like when the military was integrated back in the 50’s, there will be some bumps in the road when this is all said and done. There will be more than a few problems that crop up and will have to be dealt with. For that matter, here we are in The Year of Our Lord 2010 and people are still dealing with racial issues, albeit not so much in the military. In the end, the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” will have much the same affect. A little bit of bullshit in the beginning, but in the end, not that big a deal.

I think in a decade or so, people will look back on DADT and wonder what all the fuss and bother was about.

An Update of Sorts

2010-12-22T14:52:00.002+10:00

“I have tried to live my life so that my family would love me and my friends respect me. The others can do whatever the hell they please.”
John Wayne

We were standing outside smoking the other day when one of my friends from Saipan called. Our company (Totally Bogus Communications**) has two offices; one here on Guam and the other on Saipan. He called to tell us about the Christmas party the company had the other night (and that the company paid for). What he didn’t realize is that we here on Guam didn’t and aren’t going to have a Christmas party. He also mentioned that our beloved CEO and various other Managers flew in the day before the event so they could pay a short visit to the staff there, before adjourning to the golf course and their mistresses. My friend also mentioned the fact that the prime rib that was on the menu really kicked ass.

This struck me as wrong, in that our Christmas party here on Guam was cancelled. It also struck me wrong in that our CEO and various other hangers on had no problem flying to Saipan and spending two nights in a very nice hotel at company expense, while at the same time our Finance people nickel and dime us to death. This is the same CEO who can’t be bothered to walk across the street to the department where I work to visit the people who make his network function.

Yeah, I’m feeling the Christmas spirit from those who I work for, if by the Christmas spirit you mean the spirit of Ebenezer Scrooge prior to the visit by the Ghosts.

+=+

I sent an email to all 3 of my bosses the other day asking, point blank, whether or not we were going to get Holiday Bonuses, expecting to get absolutely no answer. Surprisingly, one of my bosses replied to the email in my favor, telling our next boss that if we aren’t going to have a Christmas party, the least they could do is give us a small stipend, show a little love. Surprising me again, our COO replied that he didn’t know of any plans to give us bonuses, but he would ask the CEO if it were going to happen or not.

Some of my friends thought it was pretty bold of me to ask the question. In my head, it was a pretty easy thing to do. The worst they could tell me is no, which is what I expected anyway.

Late this morning, we actually received a bonus, of sorts. We all received a Christmas card that contained a $50 gift certificate to be spent at Pay-More-For-Less, which is our local grocery store chain here on Guam. Money would have been nicer, but as someone once told me, “Never kick a gift horse in the balls”. As soon as I got mine, I used my lunch hour to spend it, the logic being that the bastards might change their minds about it and make us give them back.

+=+

For those who are unaware, my beloved Wife flew back to the Philippines last Saturday. Since she works at an elementary school, and the school let out for Christmas vacation last Friday, we figured a few months back that it would be a Good Thing for her to fly to the PI for a few weeks, rather than sitting at home doing nothing. She’s also there to get an MRI on her neck to see if there is something more serious than a pinched nerve in her neck.

It’s another Christmas alone for me, but it’s really not that big a deal. Christmas hasn’t meant much to me since my daughter got into her teenage years. Add to that the fact that I’ve been a shift worker for most of my adult life, and getting Christmas off was a very rare thing when I did work shift. My plans for Christmas Day are to do as little as possible, watch some movies, eat a lot of junk food, and maybe have a long discussion with Dr. Bombay later that evening.

Normally, I always send out Christmas cards to everyone, but just didn’t feel up to it this year. As I’ve said before, the Christmas Spirit has eluded me this year for some strange reason. With that said, though, I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas and a joyous and prosperous New Year. 2010 has been an iffy year for me, and I’m hoping that 2011 is a lot better.

Happy Holidays, Ya’ll.

** Not the real name of the company I work for, but it fits nonetheless

Fictional and Real

2010-12-21T15:33:00.002+10:00

Maybe it’s only me, but it seems like there are times when some of the people in our lives start to resemble fictional characters. You look at someone or interact with that person, and a thought pops into your brain. “This person reminds me of (someone from a movie, book or TV show)”. It’s happened to me a couple of times recently, when my mind starts to wander and nothing is on TV worth watching.

Phoebe Buffay (from Friends) = Coworker
Beautiful, funny, but not very bright. She’s nice, but you wouldn’t want to discuss deep subjects with her, because you’ll lose her in about a nanosecond. Think a combination of Phoebe and Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter. Ditzy but loveable nonetheless.

Moon (from the great Chinese movie Hero) = Coworker
Initially upon meeting her, you might think she’s a bit timid. Underneath it all, though, is a warrior waiting to come out when necessary. Like Moon, she’s beautiful in her own way; not breathtakingly beautiful but a beauty that is subtle. Quite easy to like her.

Jabba the Hut (Star Wars) = Coworker
Doesn’t have the criminal mind like Jabba, but looks a lot like him. Slovenly appearance, grossly overweight, almost greasy. Not someone a normal person likes to spend a lot of time with.

Sig Hansen (from The Deadliest Catch) = Friend
OK, Sig isn’t a fictional character, but my friend reminds me a lot of him. Totally focused on work, with a sense of humor that comes out in unpredictable but insanely amusing ways. Has “been there, done that” all over the world.

Dolores Umbridge (from Harry Potter) = Company HR Director
She gives off a vibe that says “The person in charge of the company is never, ever wrong”, much like the fictional Ms. Umbridge did in the Harry Potter movies when referring to the Minister of Magic. Like Umbridge, she’s also a colossal pain in the ass, writes a LOT of policies that are generally ignored or thought to be idiotic, and carries herself as if she is far better than everyone around her. She and the Executive Management Team are Purebloods, and the rest of us are either Mudbloods or, even worse, Muggles. Too bad we don’t have a centaur herd to introduce her to like Harry and Hermione did. Referred to around my office as “She Who Must Not Be Named”.

Young Obi Wan Kenobi (from the Star Wars prequels) = One of My Friends
Wise beyond his years. Knows a lot of shit and not afraid to share knowledge. Has a mischievous side that comes out on occasion. Needless to say, I love the guy to death.

The Sith Lord (Star Wars Episode III) = Company Executive
Evil down to his very core. Bizarre sense of humor about things that aren’t funny. Tries to convince people of shit that is dumb or makes no sense. Hated by many but doesn’t really care. Has his own agenda, and religiously sticks to that agenda.

Chandler Bing (from Friends)/Harry Potter = Me
I can relate a lot to Chandler. We’re both fucked up in our own way, married to women who are way too beautiful and way too good for us. Both of us like goofy shit. Harry and I both know that we are “the other thing”. We both have a close group of friends that we interact with and don’t stray far from those friends.

These are just some of the people in my life who share a close resemblance to some of the characters who have popped up in popular culture. I’m sure that we all know people who remind us of other people. Some of these revelations are funny; others are somewhat disturbing.

This That and Quite Possibly the Other Thing

2010-12-09T08:22:00.003+10:00

“Hey goodbye all you punks, stay young and stay high, Hand me my checkbook as I crawl off to die, Like a woman in childbirth grown ugly in a flash, I’ve seen magic and pain now I’m recycling trash.”
The Who “They’re All In Love”

Notes, tidbits, and other garbage concerning work, life, and other varied gibberish.

Both the Gorgeous One and I are suffering the ill effects of aging recently. The wife is still bothered a lot by the pinched nerve in her neck and has been getting treatment with a chiropractor. I am suffering from what I call “Shit Just Hurts”. Knees, hips, and I’m having a weird problem with my left hand that is impacting my Quality of Life. Getting older sucks, but it beats hell out of the alternative.

= + =

As I reported in another blog that I have posted, our company has cancelled our annual Christmas get together. For me personally, it’s not a big deal because I never go to these things. Historically I look upon company gatherings in the same way I look at prostate cancer and penis surgery without anesthesia, meaning things I want nothing to do with. With that said, though, there are a lot of people in my company who actually look forward to these events. Get your eat on, have a few drinks, socialize with people in other departments, have a little fun.

The cancelling of the Christmas party has not stopped our Managers from scheduling their own little soiree at one of the local hotels (if you work for the company, you get one guess as to WHICH hotel). After working for the military for 26 years, I get that the leaders of an organization need to get together once in a while in a social setting away from the office. In the military, they call these things “Officers Call” or “Officers Dining Out”, and I agree that they are probably Good Things, even in a civilian setting. Where the leaders (OK in my company there are no leaders, only managers) get together and talk in a social setting about issues of the day. Maybe a few remarks about where we want to go in the future.

By cancelling the Christmas party, though, and going through with this little event, it sends an understated message to those people like myself, “in the trenches”, the ones with the dirt under their fingernails. That message is, “Screw you people. We, your Betters, are gonna have our fun. Oh, and by the way, don’t even DREAM about Christmas bonuses, because those won’t be happening this year, if ever.”

Even if that isn’t the intended message, it speaks volumes without actually saying a word.

= + =

In this day and age, a lot of company’s use email as a way to get information to their employees. I agree that it’s a wonderful tool for doing that, especially in organizations where weird hours and geography come into play. With that said, what do you call people who insist on doing “reply alls” to emails, even those that say “reply directly to me” in their content? The names I have for them are:

Retarded

Learning Disabled

Riders of the Short Bus

Egotistical Fornicators of Swine (because they feel that EVERYONE INVOLVED should know what their insignificant opinions are)

= + =

There are at least three people I know in my company who have received offer letters from other organizations in the past week. Sadly, most of them are really good at their jobs and are really good people. Two of them I love like brothers. While I am selfish when it comes to working with good people, I totally understand the fact that they are jumping. Hell, I wish I were in their shoes.

= + =

This apparently has been deemed The Week to Bleed for me. Three days in a row, something has happened at work that has caused me to lose blood. Monday it was my foot with a cut that basically ruined a pair of socks. Tuesday, the left index finger with a blister that popped and then started bleeding. Yesterday I accidently cut the tip of my right index finger, badly but not enough to require stitches, with the razor knife I carry on my belt to cut through cable insulation.

Yeah, it’s been one of Those Weeks.

Jobs Are Not Necessarily Professions

2010-12-02T16:54:00.002+10:00

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy”
– Groucho Marx

There are people who would argue that there is no difference between what would be considered a “job” and a “profession”. I would tend to disagree with this argument.

A profession is something that someone throws themselves into lock, stock, and barrel. What they do for a living in many ways defines who they are as a person. There is a certain level of excitement and enthusiasm involved with having a profession. You live and breathe what you do, can’t wait for the next day to begin so you can engage in activities directly related to that profession.

On the other hand, a job is something that a person does to put food in their bellies and a roof over their heads. A job is often something that is soul-crushing. While we may as individuals be proud of what we do , the work we do doesn’t define who we are as individuals. It’s something that we must do in order to take care of the ones we love, to feed ourselves, and something we just have to do in order to get through life in one piece. Many people who have jobs hate what they have to do in order to survive, and if they had a real choice, would probably be doing something else.

In my adult life, I have had both jobs and professions. Ironically, I’ve had both with the current company I work for, all within the space of about four years.

When I first started, and for the first year or so I was excited about doing what I was doing. I worked with great people, great managers and leaders, and believed what I was doing had an impact on peoples lives. People would see the company logo emblazoned across my chest and back, and I was proud to wear that logo. People would ask me, “Are you with (that company name)?”and I would always proudly reply that, yes I am.

Now, when someone asks the question, say, when I’m standing in line to buy a cup of coffee, I cringe. Because I know what’s coming - the complaints. Bad craziness from people who think that if I talk to the guy from that company, shit will get fixed. There I am, relatively innocent, getting abused by a stranger for reasons I have zero control over.

Nope, I no longer have the same feelings as before. Now it’s a job and nothing more. The way I have at my disposal to pay my rent, put food in my wife’s stomach, pay my alimony. A lack of leadership and basic Managerial Cluelessness have caused my faith to wane, hard. Try as I might to focus on the positive and forget about the negative, I’m afraid that it just isn’t working.

A lot of people I know are bailing out, leaving the sinking ship. Others are actively seeking other ways to pay for shit, and not all are by definition morally upright things. Still others have their resumes handy on their desktops and pounce on opportunities as they become available.

Kinda sad, really.

I'm Bringing It Back

2010-12-01T17:05:00.003+10:00

Obscene language has changed over the years. What were one considered as “taboo”, “naughty”, “foul” or “dirty” words are in many instances a part of the cultural landscape now. Their use has evolved; they are used so much now that we just take them for granted.

The word “fuck” comes to immediately to mind in my head when it comes to words or phrases that have lost some of their power. With the advent of rap music and other pop culture twists, the word has lost a lot of its power as a “bad word”. While it’s still not a word that can easily be used in, say an office environment or the Vatican, out in the real world it’s used so much as to have lost a lot of its punch.

That’s why I’m bringing the use of the word “cunt” back.

In the book Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, the word is described as “a nasty name for a nasty thing” or “a very despicable person”. (Love that word, despicable). Someone horrible, rotten to the core, bad, unredeemable, nasty, terrible, hideous, atrocious.

It has mostly been used throughout the years as an offensive term used to describe the vagina. Now I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve never used the word in that particular context. There are far better sounding words that can be used to describe the vagina, which truth be told is one of my favorite anatomical parts, and the one that gets most men in a whole lot of trouble.

Cunt used to be used in a lot of British comedy, such as Monty Python’s Flying Circus, and in many British sitcoms. While it was considered a bad thing to call someone, there was also a quaintness about it, along with a good bit of humor. Someone would call someone else “a silly cunt” and you would laugh about it.

These days, it’s considered by many to be worse than using the word fuck. Taboo. Forbidden. “The Word Not To Be Used” (taking a Harry Potter-Voldemort sort of spin against it). I think we the general public should exploit that badness, that awesome ugliness, and use it more. When speaking about a woman in a derogatory fashion, the word most often used is the word “bitch”, and it too has lost a lot of its punch and power over the years. Again, rap music had a hand in it through the use of phrases like “bitches and ho’s” but rap isn’t totally to blame. It’s a common word even on basic cable these days. Even sitcoms aired in prime time use the word.

“She’s just being bitchy”.
“She acted like a real bitch towards him.”

I am proposing that we all try to use the word cunt more in our daily speech, and not just when talking about a person who is evil or just plain wrong. No, I think we should use it to refer to anyone, male or female, who is stupid or evil or just an overall pain in the ass.

“That guy just cut me off in traffic. What a cunt that guy is.”
“Your boss is a real cunt.”
“John’s son just spit on me. He’s about a spoiled little cunt.”

See? There’s power in that little word. Power that tells the listener exactly how horrible the person being spoken about actually is. Very little ambiguity involved if you refer to someone in this way. Just the way the word sounds coming off of the tongue expresses distain. If said with enough menace behind it, there is even some evil that comes with it.

Language, like a lot of things, evolves over time. In the world of slang, I think it’s about time for cunt to make a comeback, so to speak. Use it in daily conversations, print it on t-shirts, in advertising.

“Yes, I Know I’m a Cunt”
“It’s Cuntilicious”
“Cunt-like behavior”
"Cuntageous"

Some Things Never Change

2010-11-24T13:32:00.003+10:00

Well, kidlings, it’s that most wonderful time of the year again. The Christmas spirit is already in the air, people are gearing up for the holiday season, making plans to see loved ones and overeat. Overspend and max out your credit cards buying shit that will be forgotten about two hours after the wrapping has been removed. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but for me I haven’t felt very Christmas-y since my daughter was living at home. It just doesn’t feel the same as when you have kids in your house as when you are by yourself.

It is also time for Christmas parties within the various workplaces, which is the subject of this little story.

I thought, after last year’s debacle with Mandatory Fun for our company Christmas party that our company would have learned. For a while, I thought that they did. All of us were informed well in advance that there would be a Christmas party at a nice hotel, and I was actually planning on attending said function.

My company had made reservations well in advance for the hotel and plonked down a huge deposit for the hall and the food. They had a committee of employees put together to plan it all out, and from what I heard from the sidelines, they actually had their collective shit together. Like I said, I was actually looking forward to attending this event, and if you know anything at all about me, that’s a rare thing. I generally HATE company gatherings, other than the one we do to raise money for cancer.

Alas, it is not to be. The employees were informed earlier this week that the Christmas party had been cancelled. Apparently, the cancellation took place for a couple of reasons, although none of them were made known to the general employee population. The information I got came from sources that were involved in the actual planning of the festivities.

The first was that it was scheduled for a Saturday night, and some of the Upper Management decided, at the last minute, that people might actually consume alcoholic adult beverages if an event were held on a Saturday night. Since that was a distinct possibility, it’s a good enough reason to cancel the event. Really? You mean, grown adult people who are above the Legal Drinking Age might decide that having a couple of belts with their coworkers would be a good way to have a little fun? Say it isn’t so! People might want to drink a couple of drinks, tell funny stories about things that happen at work, and actually have a good time? Perish the thought, we can’t have that.

The second reason that I heard directly from a member o f the committee was that there is a meeting that will be happening amongst the big-wigs during the week leading up to the party. It was felt by a member of Senior Management that after that week of meetings, that none of the managers involved in said meetings would be in the Holiday Spirit. So, because the managers would be down in the mouth, the employee Christmas party was also cancelled. Because, if the managers were in a foul mood, then the employees certainly don’t deserve a little party paid for by the company, to show the company’s appreciation for all of their hard work during the year. No no, can’t have that.

Now I know a couple of the people who sat on this little planning committee, and I know for a fact that they had nothing to do with the party being cancelled. No, it was one member of Senior Staff who made these decisions. Basically told the committee members, “Thanks for your great ideas, but we’re cancelling it anyway. Too bad, tough shit. Oh, and by the way, don’t even think about Christmas bonuses”

What does all of this say to the employees? Pretty simple actually. It says, right out loud in front of God and everyone, that the company simply doesn’t appreciate its employees. Doesn’t give a shit about them.

Another odd thing about all of this is that all of the Senior Managers have been silent about it. No emails saying why it was cancelled. No explanations. Nothing. “Hello down there to all you pissants and worker bees. Just to let you know, we were gonna have a Christmas party, but we cancelled it. All of the managers will be bummed out, and we’re afraid that some of you might have one too many and really tell us what you think. As if we really cared what you drones and peasants actually think about anything. Also, forget about Christmas bonuses. The word “bonus” is hereby banned from the corporate vocabulary unless you are a member of Senior Staff of course. Keep working hard and making money for the stockholders.”

If it says anything at all, it just shows how out of touch with reality and the work force the management team is where I work at. They pay lip service to actually caring about the employees, when in fact we the employees know that they don’t.

One of the funniest things about this whole situation has to do with the facility that we were going to have the party at. Apparently, the Senior Staff member who was behind the cancellation actually got pissed off when the hotel told said Senior Staff person that, because the company cancelled at such a late date, you don’t get your rather significant deposit back. Nope, not one cent. This I find very amusing, but then again, whenever this particular member of Senior Staff gets screwed over, I find it amusing. In fact, hilarious.

So, because our Senior Management hasn’t felt the need to do so, I am providing the official Christmas Message to all my fellow employees:

“Work Harder, You Bastards. Christmas is Cancelled. Fuck Off and Die, but Do So on Your Own Time”

The most wonderful time of the year, indeed. I feel warm all over.

Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

2010-11-24T06:51:00.004+10:00

I freely admit it; I’m a Harry Potter geek. This series of books has to rank up there as one of the best told stories in literature. Some would write it off as “kid’s literature”, but these are the same people who have never read the books. Not only is the story a riveting one, it’s also well told. J.K. Rowling just has a style that pulls you in and never lets go. The books are insanely good, and the movies that have come out of the books have been done really well up till now. At 47 years of age, I am unashamedly a fan of both.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 opened in theaters last Friday night, and I was fortunate enough to get two free tickets to attend. Since The Gorgeous One (my bride) isn’t into HP or the cinema in general, she let me to go and see it without her. That’s probably a good thing, since it probably wouldn’t have done her any good mentally to see her 47 year old husband go totally geek.

Going in to the movie, I already knew why they made two movies out of the last book in the series. The fact is that within Deathly Hallows, J. K. Rowling covered a lot of ground in the story of Harry and Co. I also knew that even with splitting the book into two movies, some scenes would be cut back drastically to only show the critical plot points.

The opening of the movie is quite somber, as the main characters get ready to start on the quest for the horcruxes. Harry says goodbye to the Dursleys, and reminisces about what life has been like in that house when he revisits the little space underneath the stairway where he used to sleep. The scene where Hermione wipes her parent’s memory of her existence kind of sets the stage for this darkest in the Harry Potter series, In the book she only explains it, but actually seeing it was really sad. Voldemort and his followers gathered around a large table is also quite menacing and just felt more menacing on the screen than it did in the book. It’s a dark opening because it’s a dark book, as war is just around the corner.

The filmmakers did a good job putting all of the pieces of this very complicated story together into something cohesive. There is a lot of ground to cover, and they could not have covered it any better, unless they were planning on making two 4 hour movies.

To be honest, while I understood why they did it, the shrinking of some of the events in the movie kind of made them lose some of the weight that they had in the book. For example, in the book, Harry, Ron and Hermione are stuck in Sirius’s house after the wedding for a long time trying to decide what they are going to do. In the movie, they made it seem like a couple of days at most. The same goes for their time jumping around from place to place in hiding. The scene where the main characters escape from the Malfoy house wasn’t nearly what I thought it was when reading it off the written page, and again seemed a lot briefer in the movie than it was in the book.

But these are minor complaints at best. Visually, the movie is really well put together, with more of the incredible special effects we have come to expect in the series. The fight to get Harry to the Weasley house; the search in the Ministry of Magic for the locket of Slytherin; all of them. The effects were so good that I actually jumped in my seat during the scene in Godrick’s Hollow where Harry is fighting Nagini. This is spite of the fact that I KNEW what was going to happen, having read the book. The colors and the scenes just seemed to pop out of the screen, as it they had been fine tuned.

Part 1 ends with the death of Dobby and the acquisition of the Elder Wand by Voldemort, which I thought was probably the best place to end the first part of the story. All in all, I was really happy with what I saw, and can’t wait to see Part 2. I want to see how they handle the battle scene at the end, and the epilogue especially. If you haven't read the books or seen any of the movies, don't waste your time going. You won't understand anything that happens because you don't have anything to base it on. If you haven’t seen the flick yet, take thyself to your local metroplex forthwith and plonk down your hard earned and be prepared to be entertained for a couple of hours. You won’t be disappointed.

Personal Rules and Idiot Updatage

2010-11-18T12:42:00.003+10:00

“When I'm sittin on a toilet, in a house that I dont know,

Looking all around me where the toilet paper goes,

Feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain,

Cause I gotta wipe my butt again,
With the shower curtain,

Its those little thangs, those little itty bitty thangs,

Its those little things like that, that piss me off”

Rodney Carrington – It’s Those Little Things that Piss Me Off

I’m trying to impose some new rules on myself at work. It’s not that I’ve done anything wrong my own self. No, these rules, if I follow them, will probably help me keep some of my sanity intact, and help keep my blood pressure down a little bit.

This is what I’m gonna try to do starting today:

+ Say as little as humanly possible to coworkers except for my closest friends. Keep it short, sweet, and to the point.

+ Severely limit all interaction with managers/supervisors/executive management weasels. Most of the people I work for have their own particular agendas that are evil, stupid and just plain Wrong, and it’s getting really hard to not get in their faces.

+ Avoid corporate headquarters (also known as “The Death Star” or “The House that Fellatio Built”). I used to love going over there and casually flirting with some of the women that work over there and making a few people laugh along the way. I do have some friends that work in that building, people I really like as friends and coworkers, but sadly, there is just too much other bullshit to deal with when I go over there. That and the fact that every time I leave that building, I feel the sudden urge to get a shower and maybe a tetanus shot.

+ Spend more time at outlying communications facilities that I am responsible for and less time at my office. By doing that, there is less chance that I will lose my temper when I observe idiotic behavior, and it will also allow me to avoid certain people better.

If I’m able to do all of the above or even most of them, I think the chances that I will continue to go home pissed off will greatly diminish.

=+=+=

The two butt-lickers that work in my office are at it again. One of them is clapped up with the Death Flu, and rather than stay his morbidly obese ass home and recover, he comes to work and spreads his filthy disease amongst everyone. It’s a known fact that people who work in close quarters spread diseases amongst themselves, which is a fact that Dickless has not learned yet. The guy doesn’t even have the common decency to cover his mouth when he coughs, and he coughs a LOT. The other one just pisses me off by walking in the room. He and I don’t talk to each other at all unless absolutely necessary, even for the sake of basic human politeness. I don’t think he’s figured it out yet that everyone who works with him feels that he’s utterly useless and is only keeping his job because he is someone in managements bitch. He’s an idiot who has his own delusions of grandeur.

=+=+=

Both of the women in my life are having health issues, and both of them have me worried. The Awesome Daughter just had a CT scan done to try to find out what the hell is wrong with her ear, which has been causing her a lot of grief lately. The Gorgeous One (a.k.a. The Wife) is still dealing with a pinched nerve issue in her neck that is driving her crazy. To top that off, I’m having a few health issues of my own that I will be going to go see a doctor about. Numbness in ring and pinkie fingers on my left hand that for no apparent reason. Rashes that come and go along with itching that only popping Zyrtec helps with. I’ll make an appointment to see my curmudgeon of a doctor next week and see if he can find out what the hell is wrong with me.

=+=+=

The movie I have been waiting all year for is finally coming out tomorrow, and I’m real excited about it. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 hits the theaters, and I really want to go see it. The wife probably won’t want to go because she’s not into HP, but I’m gonna go. My company is giving away 10 sets of tickets in a raffle, and maybe I can even go for free.

=+=+=

That is All Ye Know and All Ye Need to Know, for now anyway.

Jammage

2010-11-16T17:54:00.001+10:00

As anyone who has known me well realizes, music is one of my passions. It’s my hiding place, where I can go and escape the weirdness and reality of the real world and focus on nothing. Forget all about all of my troubles, frustrations, stupid shit. Let the tunes take my psyche somewhere good, somewhere pure. No bills, no crazy people, no idiots. Put the headphones on or sit in the car and crank up the power, let the jammage wash over me, get some cleanliness on my soul. If I’m alone or in a car, I can’t help but sing along with my horribly off tune voice that makes me happy regardless.

I find it interesting to know what friends are listening to because it kind of lets you know where they are and what’s making them feel good. Here are some of the things I have be wrapping my brain around lately.

The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald – Gordon Lightfoot
They just celebrated the anniversary of the sinking of the Edmond Fitzgerald not too long ago, which reminded me of this great song. Stark and somber, perfect voice that are singing descriptive words, with a great guitar underlying all of it. Gordon Lightfoot tells the story in such a way that you’re just immediately drawn in, wanting to know what happened. It’s sad, but at the same time it honors the 29 men who died.

Wolf Creek Pass – C.W. McCall
An old song from the 70’s that I hadn’t heard in a while until recently. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it’s the story of two guys driving a truck loaded with chickens over the pass and the Bad Craziness that happens. A hilarious song that makes me laugh and smile even today. I love a lot of C.W.’s work, but this is my favorite, with “Crispy Critters” coming in a close second.

Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner – Warren Zevon
Another genius who died way too young, Zevon gave us so many great jams. A mercenary who gets murdered by his “friend”, and comes back from the grave to get his revenge.

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me – Elton John
I don’t know what drove me to this song recently, but something did and did so in a big bad way. A favorite for singing in the car at the top of your lungs and not giving a shit what the guy in the next lane thinks. Beautiful lyrics, and probably my favorite Elton John song.

Jewish Princess – Frank Zappa
Love me some Frank Zappa, for the simple reason that he makes me think and laugh at the same time. Frank was a master at wordplay and does so masterfully. The line about “she squeaks when she comes” is just too funny!

Walk On Medley – Boston
Layered power chords, basically one song broken down into four separate parts. Orchestrated electrical goodness that demands to be played loud. Sometimes a brother just has to rock out.

Goodbye Earl – Dixie Chicks
The greatest song about premeditated murder/revenge ever written, bar none. Funny as hell with a great bit of music interweaving in the story. I love the Chicks, and this is one of my favorites. The video, featuring Dennis Franz as Earl, is really good. “We’ll pack a lunch, and stuff you in the trunk, Earl”.

These are just some of the many things I have been injecting into my head, and they help me maintain what is left of my sanity.

That Morbid Monday Feeling Strikes Again

2010-11-15T11:04:00.002+10:00

“But there's a warnin' sign on the road ahead
There's a lot of people sayin' we'd be better off dead
Don't feel like Satan, but I am to them
So I try to forget it, any way I can.”
Neil Young – Rockin’ In The Free World

Well, kidlings, another weekend has passed by, and I’m actually happy that it is up and gone. I’m dealing with some weirdness at home, some “marital strife” that we are going through. I won’t go into too many details, but let’s just say that we haven’t been getting along very well. Some of it is of my own doing, and some of it is not. Let's just say that there hasn't been a whole hell of a lot of laughter at my house lately, and leave it at that.

=+=

Enough of the maudlin shit. I’m trying to put together an audition CD for one of the local radio stations in the hope that I can nail down some employment as what they refer to as an “On Air Personality”. When I was in high school, I always thought that being a Disk Jockey would be the coolest job in the world to have. Getting paid to play music and talk shit seems like it would be a whole lot of fun, and it’s something I would love to try. Don’t know how it will go, but if you don’t try then you’ll never know. At the same time, I’m gonna send in some writing samples from some of the local magazine work I’ve done, so if the DJ thing isn’t their particular cup of tea, then maybe I could do some part time writing.

It’s all about trying something new, and at the same time, finding ways to generate some additional cash money for me own self. This has all of the appearances of being another Bleak Christmas, and I’m doing what I can to at least pick up enough extra cash to get my loved ones some decent Christmas presents, especially my granddaughter.

Fingers crossed (and maybe dicks too).

=+=

Starting to believe that Guam Sports Bingo (our version of the lottery) is fixed. I play a couple of times a week, and for the past 6 months or so, haven’t won anything. I have won small prizes twice, one for $52 and another for $35, but lately it just seems like I’m throwing money down a hole. I keep telling myself “don’t do it” but in the end I end up at the grocery store buying another ticket. I’ll then log on to their web site the night after the draw, and find that most of the time I don’t even come close to winning anything.

I just broke down and bought another ticket, because the way my finances are, I need me a miracle and soon. I’m not greedy; just an extra $5,000 would help me out a lot right now. The jackpot is now at $12 Million, but even a small part of that would help out a ton.

I believe that miracles happen, and right now I could use one, financially speaking.

=+=

My obsessive ways have reared their ugly heads again. First it was playing Full Tilt Poker online (play money; I’m too poor to play real money), and playing for hours on end. Then it was downloading music off of YouTube. Now it’s doing jigsaw puzzles online. I started doing the puzzles the other night, and really enjoyed the hell out of it. Something very soothing about it, immersing yourself in putting a puzzle together and not thinking about the chaos that surrounds you.

= + =

Hope that all of you who read this blog (all 4 of you) have a great week!!

Journalism is Dead (Or At Least Wounded)

2010-11-10T16:41:00.001+10:00

Many of my favorite writers have a somewhat skewed view when it comes to journalism. A lot of them feel that journalism is something that is below their stature as writers, but something that one must do in order to pay the bills in between book gigs. The great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson hated the gigs, but since the money was good, succumbed to it (hilariously I might add).

There aren’t a lot of journalists that I would say I am a fan of, either on TV or online, but there are a few. Sarah Kwak writes about hockey for the online version of CNN/Sports Illustrated, and she’s awesome. This young lady knows her shit when it comes to the NHL, and her writing style makes her quite easy and enjoyable to read. Ms. Kwak gives you the facts about whatever she’s writing about, and sometimes very subtly injects her sense of humor into her work as well. Great sports writer, and probably THE best person writing about hockey anywhere.

Then there are the bad sports writers. The ones who come across in their writing as if they are all knowing and all being. Peter King of Sports Illustrated/NBC Sports falls into this category. I used to love reading his work, but over the last couple of years, I have found him to be irritating and pompous; an arrogant piece of shit. He clearly has no journalistic credibility when it comes to writing about his hero Brett Farve, because over the years he has kissed Farve’s ass to the point of no return. He lost me completely when he made a smart assed remark about The Who playing at halftime in the last Super Bowl, and for that reason alone he should just shut the fuck up.

On the non-sports side, the number of reporters/journalists that I can tolerate is also a small list. I like Anderson Cooper of CNN, because he comes across as a clear professional all the time. Some of my friends have a problem with Anderson because he’s openly gay. To be honest, his sexual orientation never entered into the picture as far as I’m concerned. It’s not like he’s going on the air and saying stuff like, “Today President Obama had a townhall meeting in southern Iowa to talk about drug law reform. Oh, by the way, I like cock.” Even if he did, so what? The fact of the matter is that he’s a pretty damn good reporter who doesn’t try to inject himself into the story.

Kelly O’Donnell from NBC is a really good location reporter, and probably the only reason to watch NBC News in general or the Today show in particular. Gets her facts lined up, does her research, and again, doesn’t try to inject her own opinion into things. Straight up professional and the fact that she’s probably one of the few white women who actually makes me drool also makes me a fan.

Other than that, I can’t think of any reporter/journalist that really trips my trigger. Maybe it’s because I grew up watching Walter Cronkite on TV, who was THE MAN when it came to reporting. Even as a small child, I could appreciate his Art for what it was. When he came on, it was as if you had a favorite uncle stopping by to relay the news of the day to you.

Most of the reporters these days, and 99% of the anchors on various shows are just bodies and nothing else. I’ll watch Robin Meade on CNN Headline news once in a while if I’m bored, but merely from the eye candy perspective and not from any real sense that I’m going to be informed about the news of the day. All of the hosts on ESPN are idiots, and most of the time I watch it with the sound turned off.

It all makes me wonder when someone in the media is going to step up, get some game. Unfortunately, I think the days of Uncle Walter and Edward R. Murrow are dead and gone. I get better news from Jon Stewart and the Daily Show, and also get to laugh a lot in the process.

Coworker Issues, The Silent Treatment, and Other Gibberish

2010-11-10T12:57:00.003+10:00

Some of my friends have the wrong impression about how I address people at work, so for their general benefit, let me explain my somewhat backwards philosophy. You see, it has to do with the fact that I address some people as “Mr. Smith” or “Ms. Jones”, and some people by their first names. In my weird way of thinking, addressing someone by Mr. or Ms. is a sign of disrespect. It’s acknowledging their presence and very little else. It also means, 9 times out of 10, that I really don’t trust that person, not even a little bit.

Addressing someone by their first name speaks of familiarity and trust; people you can depend on, friends, coworkers you want to go fight the forces of darkness and evil with. The people that you know deep in your soul have your back when things get shitty. Sad to say, but in my particular company, there are no individuals in management positions that meet this criteria.

Since the company I work for is Japanese owned, some people have gotten into the habit of addressing coworkers by their first name with –san added at the end of it. Those who have tried to do this with me rarely do it twice because of the reaction that it gets them. It would be different if the company itself was actually located in Japan; then the –san would be more than acceptable. Since the company is in fact on Guam, the –san thing bothers me, a lot. The last person who did this got a big blast of German thrown his way, which confused him a great deal and amused me to no end. I don’t mind it so much when Japanese people do it, but when others do, I have to remind them in my own brutal way that the title is unacceptable to me.

=+=

For some strange reason, the word “tallywacker” popped up in my head the other day. For those of you who have never heard the word, “tallywacker” is a slang word for the penis. It’s one that’s not used very much anymore (the word, not the actual penis), and for some reason it struck me as amusing. The word “scallywag” also popped up in my frontal lobes. It’s an old word and just sounds cooler than calling someone an asshole. “That guy, he’s a damn scallywag”.

+=+

There are people who believe that giving an individual “the silent treatment” is punishing them. If the wife does it, I know that she is well and truly pissed off at me. This has happened a couple of times in the last month or so, and it really isn’t fun to deal with.. When it comes from someone that you love, the silent treatment sucks.

If some of my coworkers that I don’t like do it, I think to myself “Thank Christ this asshole has finally shut the hell up.” In fact, there are two of them (the brown-nosers I have mentioned in earlier blogs) where I would be more than overjoyed if they never spoke to me again. The words that come out of their mouths are usually stupid, and of course there is the scent of Executive Penis on their breath to deal with.

=+=

The wife and I are both dealing with issues relating to aging, even though we are both in our 40’s. As you get older, shit just starts to hurt. Knees sound like someone stepping on a bag of Rice Krispies when you get out of bed. Aches and pains in places that you didn’t even know you had.

The most noticeable thing to me have been my farts. When I turned 40, they started getting loud but not smelly. Just a whole lot of noise but really no content. Now, as I approach my 48th year, there has been a change. I don’t know if it’s overwork or poor diet or what, but now I’m emitting ass gas that literally stops all conversation in a room. Smells so horribly Wrong that I stink out my own self.

=+=

Speaking of fecal related matters, how gross is it when someone gets shit on the seat of the toilet? What are they doing that would cause this?

And is it too much to ask that someone have the common decency to flush after they have “dropped some kids off at the pool”? I ran into this the other day where I work. What really caught my attention as I was noticing this was that there was no toilet paper accompanying said turdage. Taking a dump & not wiping your ass is just beyond gross and nasty.

+=+

I hope that everyone enjoys their Veterans Day off tomorrow. While you are engaged in relaxing activities, I ask that everyone take a moment to think about those in uniform and the sacrifices they make and have made to our country. Like the song says, “All Gave Some, Some Gave All”.

Snackage

2010-10-29T17:17:00.003+10:00

We all have them. Those things that we like to stuff into our faces, either to fill an obvious void (hunger), a reward for something that we may have done, or just the simple fact that we want to indulge in something tasty. It’s called snacking, or as I sometimes refer to it, snackage.

The Gorgeous One and I were talking about snackage the other night, and it got me to thinking about the garbage I like to stuff into my pie hole on a regular basis. Sort of a self analysis of what it is that I like to munch on, instead of balanced nutritious things.

Pop Tarts
Rarely if ever do these things actually get in the general vicinity of a toaster in my house. The wife actually tried one for the first time the other day and wasn’t impressed. I like ‘em straight out of the box, in quantity.

Salted-In-The-Shell Peanuts
I sometimes argue that, “hey, they’re nuts and therefore are nutritious”. The wife argues, “but they’re very salty”. I buy them in 3 pound bags, and rarely does a bag last a week. For some reason, they just taste better right out of the shell.

Watermelon Seeds
This is hands down the wife’s favorite thing to snack on, or what I refer to as “your heroin” when I buy her a new bag. We buy them in 1 pound bags, and if there are some in the house, she’s probably eating them.

Cap’n Crunch Cereal
Cold cereal in general has been a favorite for my entire life. Once in a while I’ll have a bowl with milk, but most of the time, I’m eating it right out of the box. Cap’n Crunch (all three varieties) make for great “sitting on your ass in front of the television” snacking. Horribly sweet, no nutritional value whatsoever, and very tasty. A person could probably get diabetes from eating a box with the Crunch Berries in it because this particular brand takes sweetness to an entirely obscene level.

Cheese
Another snack that the wife and I have discussed, with me again arguing that it’s a dairy product and I’m thus getting my daily intake of calcium. She believes that it's one of the reasons I'm getting fat. I like to buy the large blocks of it and cut huge chunks off. Forget crackers; they’re not necessary. I lean towards sharp cheddar and Colby for munching, but Edam and Gouda also work quite well.

Little Debbie Fudge Brownies
The first day my wife actually spent on Guam, she was introduced to this particular treat, because I had two boxes of ‘em in the refrigerator. Now we can’t keep them in the house. I once ran into a sale at our local grocery on these particular plastic wrapped pieces of awesomeness, and bought 5 boxes. The wife chastised me slightly before we basically destroyed one box in the space of fifteen minutes. Chocolaty goodness.

Sky Flakes
A cracker made in the Philippines. Similar to saltines, but a lot crispier and taste better than any saltine you have ever eaten. Here on Guam, they sell them in big plastic tubs, and they’re really great just by themselves.

C2 Green Tea
OK, technically it’s a drink and not a snack. The wife and I both drink a lot of it, as we have been trying to cut back on the soft drinks. We buy it in 500 mL bottles and keep it in the fridge, ice cold. Very light, totally refreshing, and not terribly overpoweringly sweet.

On second thought, maybe this self examination thing wasn’t such a good idea. Damn, I eat a lot of junk!!

Music, Lotterys and Porky Goodness

2010-10-27T07:54:00.002+10:00

“Masquerading as a man with a reason, My charade is the event of the season, And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know.”
– Kansas “Carry On Wayward Son”

Like a lot of people, I would someday like to be “J.K. Rowling Rich”. Unlike a lot of people, it’s not because I want to roll around in a ton of cash, buy a lot of shit for myself, live in the lap of luxury, wipe my ass with $50 bills. No, I want the money so I can help out those I love and spoil the three significant women in my life (daughter, wife, grand daughter) utterly rotten. So my wife doesn’t have to look through the bargain bin at the grocery store for one of her favorite snacks (Goldilocks cakes). To be able to buy things for her that I know she loves; simple things that bring a smile to her face. I want my beautiful and smart as hell grand daughter to be able to attend the college of her choice, cost be damned. My daughter behind the wheel of the car of her choice, and not having to sweat the cost of gas or insurance. To be able to not worry about making the paycheck stretch until the next payday, indulge myself when the urge to buy some DVD’s or books strikes me.

Hence the reason I play the lottery. You may say it’s a long shot, but then again, stranger things have happened. There was a guy here on Guam who had never played the lottery but bought a ticket just because his cousin was buying one and decided to take a shot, and ended up winning $500K. It’s a long-shot, sure, but you can’t win if you don’t play, so play I must. Saturday nights jackpot is $12 Million Large Dollars, so I may double up my purchase.

+++++

It’s pretty cool when music can surprise you. A song or an artist you haven’t heard in a long time suddenly pops up and brings a smile to your face. That’s kind of where I’m at right now, listening to a lot of Boston and Kansas. Massive slabs of music that you can wrap yourself up in, feed the soul, make you forget about some of the shitty aspects of life, even for a few moments. If you have never heard Boston’s “Walk On Medley” off their fourth album, by all means buy/download it. That and some Kansas “Song for America”.

+++++

Barbequed pork is just another way that God tells us He loves us, severely. I had the leftovers from Saturday nights outing up in Yigo for lunch, and it’s even better (if that’s even possible) than it was when it was hot off the grill. It really doesn’t get much better than pig meat cooked over flame outside. Between that and the awesome chicken wings I inhaled Saturday night, the Gorgeous One and I were both suffering the effects of meat sickness. That feeling when you know that you have eaten way way way too much food.

+++++

White guilt “refers to the concept of individual or collective guilt often said to be felt by some white people for the racist treatment of people of color by whites both historically and presently.” That’s the definition of the term as found on Wikipedia. I have news for some of the people on this island who may think I suffer from this; I don’t. My ancestors never persecuted anyone, and as far as I know never reacted in racist ways towards anyone. I say that so that the people who continually ask me for money to buy gas (or crack) when I walk into a grocery store will stop doing it. While I’m not on public assistance, I am not rich simply because I happen to be white. The concept that white people might actually not have money just falling out of their pockets is apparently a foreign one to a lot of people.

+++++

The wife has been suffering greatly from a pinched nerve in her neck/shoulder, and when she suffers, I suffer. Not from any phantom pains or anything like that. My sweet, wonderful wife, when she’s sick, sometimes turns into an evil person, and this evil is naturally directed towards me. Since I know the source of it all, I try my best to just ignore the snappy attitude and try to be the supportive husband, doing whatever I can to try to make her feel better. So far, she’s been to a chiropractor, two massage therapists, and a couple of doctor visits, and none of them have really worked. She’s on a ton of drugs, including Valium for pain, and we’re hoping that the damn nerve starts to heal soon. It’s driving her crazy, and me along with it.

More later. Must Work Now.

It Never Hurts to Dream

2010-10-20T15:51:00.001+10:00

The following is a fantasy I have had on more than one occasion…….

As I normally do, I check the Sports Bingo results the morning after the draw. Within seconds, I realize that the wife and I are now rich, money beyond our wildest fantasies (and I have some major fantasies). I rush out to the place we purchased the ticket, and within a few minutes it’s confirmed. I’m now the $6 Million Dollar Man, minus the bionic powers of Steve Austin.

It’s arranged that we will pick up the check in two days time, so we start to plan out some things. Of course, we tell not one soul that we’ve won. No friends, no family, no one. We open an account with one of the Philippine banks that has an office on Guam, and make some airplane reservations. It’s agreed that the wife will leave a couple of days ahead of me, and I’ll stay behind on Guam and make a few arrangements. We celebrate our good fortune by going out to a fine dinner, then coming home and making love all evening.

The day comes where we will actually get the money, and I call in sick to work. We insist that no photos be taken of us getting the check as we both want this to be as under the radar as possible. The money gets deposited in the Philippine bank account, minus $25,000 that we will need in cash immediately. The next day, I call in sick again and the wife boards a flight to Manila, with $10K in her pocket for immediate spending needs when she arrives. . I get what little we actually want to ship to the Philippines picked up and on its way, after which I move into a motel room for the night. I drop by the realty management office to tell them that we no longer need our apartment, and I pay them 1 months rent in advance for the trouble, which should cover the cost of cleaning the apartment. That evening, the wife calls me to tell me that she’s safely at her family’s house, and everything is going according to plan.

The next day, with everything laid out, I go to work as usual. Since my flight is at 8 that evening, I have time to kill, so while doing my work, I pick up a few things to take on the plane with me and some stuff I want to give to a couple of friends. I prepare a bill of sale for my car (for $1) and get it notarized which I will leave on one of my friend’s desks. I know he’ll either sell it or give it to his wife. With the bill of sale, I put a note telling him that there is a box stashed somewhere with stuff I want him to give to various people I work with. There are also notes for my three best friends about future plans and how to contact me in the next few weeks. These are people I absolutely trust and love, and want to do business with them in the future. Since my friend works weird hours, I’m pretty sure he won’t see either the note or the bill of sale until the next day I also pull all of the computer files I want/need off of my desktop computer and on to a thumb drive.

5 PM rolls around, and I stroll over to the corporate HQ. Since the CEO of the company is on the golf course, I head over to the Chief Operating Officers office. I stroll in, throw my work keys and ID on his desk, tell him simply, “I quit”, then walk out of the office. No goodbyes, no farewells, just slip off into the good night. Stop by the motel, change clothes and grab my bags, then it’s off to the airport. Four hours later, I’m in Manila. Two hours after that, I’m at the wife’s house in the country.

The next few weeks are spent making plans for the future. College educations are paid for in advance, and construction projects are put into motion. I make some flight arrangements for an extensive trip to the US to see family and friends. Fly to Texas and meet my son-in-law and granddaughter for the first time, and spend some quality time with my daughter seeing the sights in San Antonio. Set the granddaughter up with a trust fund while I am there, and see my daughter behind the wheel of a new car with some money deposited into her bank account. Stop by the homestead in Colorado for some back porch time with my Dad and to pay their mortgage. A quick trip to Missouri to see my aunt and pay her mortgage off. Bop up to Seattle to drop off a check to my ex-wife so that I won’t have the threat of spousal support hanging over me anymore, as well as dropping in on an old friend. Lastly but not leastly a stop for two days in Oregon to see my friends Jenna and Lindsay. My total time in America is about three weeks.

Back to the Philippines I fly, and the wife and I settle in to our new life. Contact a couple of friends in Guam about a business venture I would like to get rolling that I want them to be involved with, as a follow-up to the notes I left them when I departed. They would be the primary brains behind the venture, while I would supply the initial capital for it and the overall manager. It will also give me enough to do without getting bored, but at the same time not actually feeling like work. Supervise the construction projects that the wife and I have planned, and spend a decent amount of time wrapped up in a hammock underneath a mango tree with the wife, drinking cold beers, snuggling and doing absolutely nothing.

This is just a fantasy, but a pretty good one.

Negative Waves and Bad Karma

2010-10-20T12:01:00.003+10:00

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” – Steven Wright

Lots of negative karma floating around where I work, which is why I feel the need to get a couple of things off my chest, as it were.

+++++

There are two individuals in my department at work whose major talent seems to be sucking up to one of the executives in our company, who happens to be in our chain of command, as it were. They both deny it, but then in the same breath will shamelessly lick his ass at the drop of a hat. Both of them used to work for the executive in question when he ran another company, and apparently have a lot of experience sucking this guys balls.

Now I know that in this economy, people have to do whatever is necessary to keep a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. With that said, though, I would rather pull minimum wage as a greeter at Kmart before having to resort to blowing an executive to get ahead. I don’t have a whole lot of pride or dignity, but I do have to look at the man in the mirror in the face every morning.

I’ve always been a firm believer in the concept of working hard and letting the work speak for itself. I’ve also believed that those who have to suck dick to get ahead are the lowest of the low (unless, of course, the person in questions happens to be a prostitute, where the sucking of dick is basically part of the job description). Worse than used car salesmen and lawyers (the ass kissers, not the prostitutes). Sadly, the two individuals of whom I speak don’t feel the same way. Both of them are disgusting and I avoid even casual conversation with them. Why waste air and time on people who are utterly useless?

Kinda sad, and more than a little disgusting to watch the shameless ass-kissing/ball licking. Thinking about buying these two individuals some Tic-Tacs and some kneepads and giving them to them, just to let them know that we all know what they’re doing. It might be me, but most of us don’t like having to talk to someone whose breath reeks of penis.

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Speaking of said executive, I had a small run-in with him this morning. It was a minor thing, but it just reinforced the fact that he is a weasel and a chickenshit son-of-a-bitch. It reminded me yet again, as if I needed another reminder, that my current place of employment is simply a paycheck and nothing more. Three years ago, I actually looked forward to coming to work, couldn’t wait to get there. Now, I do what I have to do, no more and no less. I avoid all of the so-called “leaders and managers”, do my thing, and try to keep my mouth shut.

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There are certain things and certain songs that should never be rerecorded or even attempted. This thought crossed my mind as I was standing in line at McDonalds and heard a remake of “Achy Breaky Heart” in Chamorro. It was horrible in English, and even worse in Chamorro. If someone ever decides to release a compilation CD of “Songs to Commit Suicide To”, the Chamorro version of “Achy Breaky” would be on it. Horrible, horrible.

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The planning for the company Christmas party is already underway. This is highly unusual where I work because they normally wait until the middle of November to start it. By then, all of the “good” places have usually been booked, and the folks who do the planning in our company are left to find something decent.

In spite of the title of this blog, I’m against mandatory fun (meaning social events that a person is pretty much required to attend), and I usually avoid company gatherings like syphilis. If it’s done right this time, I may reconsider. The Gorgeous One has never really met that many of the people I work with, and since we don’t go out much, it might be a good opportunity to throw some fancy clothes on, have a nice dinner, and maybe get a little drunk with some of the cool people I work with. With that said, I also have the feeling that whoever is planning the event will probably fuck it up in some way. Decide to make it a themed event that has nothing to do with Christmas, in which case I’ll once again avoid said party.

Another coffee and a smoke? Why yes, that sounds good.

Dealing With Her When That Evil Time Comes

2010-10-15T13:31:00.002+10:00

Even though it’s a natural fact that I am not the smartest guy on the planet, a fella tends to learn a few lessons along the way. Knowledge that a guy picks up through life experiences, usually the hard way, and usually involving some form of pain.

It’s come to my attention that some of you guys out there still haven’t learned how to deal with your significant female other when that special time of the month rolls around. You know, that time of the month when your totally sweet and wonderful lady becomes a complete and utter bitch. An evil monster of a person, hormones raging, claws bared against the world. You know, when she’s “on the rag”, “riding the cotton pony”, “having the painters in”.

Well, let it not be said that Uncle Troy cannot provide some helpful information every now and then. Life and women have taught me a few lessons when it comes to dealing with the female of the species during this special time of the month, and I thought that now would be an excellent time to pass some of that hard-learned wisdom.

YOU’RE WRONG
No matter what you do or say, you’re wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Something as innocent as saying, “Hi honey” could very well end in disastrous consequences. Exhale in a way she doesn’t like, and it’s as if you got caught having sex with her sister on the White House lawn. Forget to put your dirty socks in the laundry, and it will be like you killed her beloved pet with her car right before you totaled said car as you were cruising looking for transsexual prostitutes to smoke crack with. You’re wrong. No matter what it is or what you have or have not done or said, you’re wrong. Just accept the fact and be done with it. Most of the time, this is easier said than done. Even the most patient of guys will come close to the point of snapping, but of all times, this is when self restraint is key.

SHUT THE HELL UP
Most of us men get in trouble during this special time of the month by saying something stupid, no matter how innocently it’s said. Brevity, in this case, can save a guy some pain. Don’t ask a lot of questions, and if asked about anything, keep the answer straight and to the point. An example of “keeping it short and simple” is something like this. I was watching an old James Cagney movie on TCM, when the wife, suffering from pain and feeling bitchy, asked me if what I was watching was an old movie. I could have said, “It’s called White Heat, an old gangster movie from the 30’s”. My answer instead was “Yes”. Keep it simple. Short, sweet, and to the point.

AVOIDANCE IF POSSIBLE
One of the easiest ways to stay out of trouble is to not be there. If you have a job where a lot of travel is involved, try to arrange some of that travel so that it happens when she is in the middle of her period. This is especially easy if your significant other has a regular cycle with predictable start and end dates. If that’s not possible, give your lady some space, even (and especially) in the confines of your house. Back when my ex-wife and daughter used to have their periods on the same days, I would come home from work and pretty much hide in my computer room/office every night. Bringing home work has value in that not only are you being productive, it’s a valid excuse for giving her some distance. Staying out of the line of fire simplifies things.

SUCKING UP
Along with avoidance comes lavishing. Chocolate is pretty much universally accepted as a way to get on her good side during these trying days. Know what kind she likes, and buy lots of it. Knowing what she likes specifically will eliminate the bitching that will happen if you buy the wrong type. My bride loves her some Cadbury with fruit and nuts, and I do my best to keep a ready supply available in the freezer. Smiling also helps, even through gritted teeth. If she’s not a chocolate kinda girl (and I’ve never met a woman who didn’t like chocolate), stock up on whatever her favorite snack/comfort food is. Have lots of it available at all times. Depending on what it is, cases of it if possible.

While none of these suggestions are in and of themselves foolproof, I have found that doing them can save me a lot of heartache and pain when dealing with a loved one overcome during this special time of the month.

Ladies, (the two or three who actually read my gibberish), did I leave out anything?

The Annoying Kind

2010-10-07T13:41:00.000+10:00

There is a guy that works for my company that I have tried really hard to ignore, but his continual presence in my workspace is making it very hard to do so. Let me describe him for you, and see if you have someone like this at your job site.

The guy in question works across the street at our corporate headquarters, which is also known as The Death Star. I’m not exactly sure what his role in everything is, but I know that it has something to do with Product Development. Because of his function, he on occasion has to work with one of my coworkers on various projects, which brings him over to my office.

When the guy comes over to my building, he is never at a loss for finding fault with something in the building I work in. Every time you turn around, the guy is complaining or crying about something. “I don’t see how you guys work over here. It’s too cold.” “Oh my God, that stairwell is really bad, very dangerous.” (Aside from being a little narrow, it’s not dangerous at all). “Gracious, this coffee is so strong! How do you guys drink this stuff?” (It was afternoon coffee, not the typical jumper cables to the heart morning coffee. Afternoon coffee is brewed so that it’s like making love in a canoe – fucking close to water).

On and on, this guy finds things wrong with the place that I and the folks in my department call home. The Hilton it ain’t; AT&T it ain’t, but me and my fellow drones find it comfortable, and have gone to some effort to make it as relaxed as possible while still being functional. This weasel comes over a couple of times a week, and every single time he opens his mouth he finds stuff to cry about.

Normally, when I see homeboy in the building and I happen to be chained to my desk, I immediately reach for my headphones and let the rock block him out. My own version of “bullshit bandpass filters” so to speak, so that I don’t have to hear his incessant whining. Yesterday, I was butt-deep in some documents that were sent to me from Singapore to review, and needed to focus to catch the subtleties of what I was reading. Meaning that I couldn’t go to the headphones, and I needed to concentrate. Since the wife and I were both already in horrible moods after dealing with another dose of bullshit from the Government of Guam earlier in the afternoon, the whiners timing could not have been worse.

About 10 minutes after Sphincter Boy arrived, the whining started. Rather than make a fuss, I grabbed the documents I was dealing with and bolted for quieter environs. It was either that or revert to Grouchy Middle Age Man Mode and rip into Piece of Shit Boy. Even though I had found a quieter place, by then it was too late, as the guy’s horrible pissing and moaning had thrown me off my game completely.

Since this happened late in the work day, the foul mood at work also translated into shit getting bad when I got home. The drive home was done in a torrential rain, with visibility down to about 50 meters and nearly black dark at 6 PM. The rain meant that the normal idiot Guam drivers now went to Ultra-Idiot Mode, as if the concept of operating an automobile in a hard rain was totally foreign to those commuting home. Got home grouchy, and since The Gorgeous One was in a pissy mood already, it made for a very uncomfortable evening at home.

I’m afraid the events of the last 24 hours have caused me to deal with the whining with the most evil side of my nature the next time it happens. Nope, not gonna even try to ignore the guys’ horrible crybaby attitude. The time has come to rip off his head and shit down his neck, in a matter of speaking. If I hear one negative comment out of this guy, he’ll get told to shut his pie-hole then invited to exit the building forthwith. I’ve already ripped this guy a new one about six months ago, and apparently it’s time for me to administer another dose of reality on this asshole.

Does anyone else have to deal with a horrible piece of shit like the one I mentioned above? Someone who comes into your office and feels it necessary to dump all over the environment in which you call home for the majority of your workday?

Letting Your Geek Flag Fly

2010-10-05T12:27:00.001+10:00

Some people tend to use the word “geek” in a negative context. Like it’s some sort of insult to be referred to as a geek. The dictionary defines the word as meaning “a person who is preoccupied with or very knowledgeable about computing” or “a boring and unattractive social misfit”.

I for one have no problem with the word in either definition. While I don’t fit the strict confines of the first definition, I have been accused of being a geek for some of my other preoccupations. As for the second definition, I’ve pretty much felt that I am outside of what many in society would consider “normal”, which I don’t have a problem with at all. Better to be unique and what I describe as “wonderfully weird” than just one more sheep.

With all of that said, I do believe that there are some newer definitions of geek that fall outside of being obsessed with computers.

Star Wars Geek
There is a big stereotype concerning this particular type of geekness; that the people who love Star Wars are truly losers. OK, I’m guilty as hell about this one. I have been known to quote lines from the original three movies, most often to people I want to offend or when it amuses me. Everyone who knows me knows that I’ll drop some Master Yoda on them in a heartbeat.

Deadliest Catch Geek
A newer obsession for many, including me. People like to talk about their favorite boat or their favorite captain, obsessing over crew members and other trivia. Even the voiceovers by Mike Rowe also come into play. “200 miles west of Dutch Harbor, sits the Assholian.” I’m not as obsessed about it as some of my friends are, but I do like to peep out the show when I can.

Who Geek
Those who know and love me know how utterly obsessed about The Who that I am. Simply put, they are the greatest rock band ever to walk the planet as far as I’m concerned. I actually celebrate Pete Townshend’s birthday every year, and “Won’t Get Fooled Again” is the ringtone of choice on my phone to delineate friend from idiots. Basically, if someone is obsessed about any band, that could be considered as geek-like behavior, but in my case it’s The Who.

American Idol Geek
People go bat-shit crazy over this TV series, something I have never really understood. I have friends who can tell you who has won and who came in second every year that the show has been on the air, some even going as far to know who released what album from the Idol alumni. While I am totally not into it at any level, I can understand the attractiveness of it.

Glee Geek
My daughter, and countless thousands of other people, have lost their collective minds over this television show. There are Glee Gatherings, where like-minded people come together and watch this program. While I have never really gotten into it, I can appreciate the show for what it is.

Software Geek
A variant on the traditional definition, describing those who are obsessed with software, especially free or cheap software. Some of my friends actually collect programs like we used to collect baseball cards as kids. I’ve heard the phrase “I’ve got a program for that” so many times, I start to wonder if they have a program that will give them a beer and a blowjob as well. (If said program exists, I’ll be wanting a copy of it).

Porn Geek
Don’t really know if this falls into the category of geekiness, rather than just categorized as “obsessively horny” or “compulsive masturbator”. Collectors of porn to a grand scale, filling up hard drives and DVD collections, even going as far as cataloging their collection and rating each and every DVD/download. Some are specific in their tastes, while some really aren’t that picky. I know a guy in Korea who has probably the largest collection of lesbian porn that I have ever seen, literally hundreds of DVD’s and many gigabytes of downloaded material. Kinda creepy in its own way, but then again, everyone has to have a hobby.

Lord of the Rings Geek
A variant of the Star Wars geek, except that these folks are obsessed with the movies and not so much the books, although many “Rings” geeks are obsessed with both. As to my personal views on the subject, the character Randall in the movie “Clerks II” pretty much summed it up nicely and hilariously.

These are just some of the examples of geekiness that are out there. I’m sure that there are countless others, but these are some of the types of geekness that I run into on a pretty regular basis. If you happen to fall into one of these categories, or there is something else that you happen to obsess about, I say let your geek flag fly. Wear it proudly, and never be ashamed of what you are.

It’s a little known fact that us geeks will someday take over the world, and those who are considered “normal” are just gonna have to deal with it.

Hump Day Randomizations

2010-09-29T15:52:00.001+10:00

Notes, ponderances, and just general bullshit from my somewhat petulant mind……..

They announced the 2011 inductees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame recently. Once again the HOF proves that it truly isn’t a HOF by selecting Bon Jovi and Neil Diamond, while once again forgetting about Rush, Kansas, and several other worthy nominees I could think of. While music, like all art, is subjective, to once again forget about one of the greatest rock bands ever to walk the planet and induct lightweight hair-metal idiots like Bon Jovi just proves that the HOF is no longer relevant and no longer about the rock. Becoming a member has no real meaning whatsoever.

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I had what could charitably be called an “anger management episode” a few days ago. That’s a nice way of saying I exploded, completely losing control of my temper, requiring me to walk circles around the building I work in while chain-smoking Marlboro Reds one right after another for about half an hour. I haven’t been that mad in years, which is something considering all of the shit I went through with my divorce a few years back. I mean I was smoking pissed off. That’s what happens when you play email tag with an idiot who happens to be a micromanager and one of your bosses. It was a good thing he was off island; otherwise I would probably be in jail right now or at least looking for another job, while he would either be in the hospital or the morgue. Yup yup, I was that mad.

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You know that you work too damn hard and are getting older when you and your wife would both rather sleep than get romantic (meaning sex). My poor lovely bride comes home from work so tired that staying awake past 9 PM is nearly impossible, just physically exhausted. I get home and I’m usually dragging ass so badly that all I want to do is plop in front of the TV or lay down beside the bride and read myself to sleep. While we are both very passionate people when it comes to romance and know how to make each other feel really good, sometimes sleep wins easily over sex. Either that, or we’re both getting old.

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Buying another lottery ticket for tomorrow night, just in case. Haven’t played in a while, but think I’ll invest the $8 and see what happens. Ya can’t win if you don’t play, and winning the lottery is about the only chance I have of becoming Oprah Rich anytime soon. I’m not greedy; $2 million would be enough so that I would never have to work again and live in comfort in the Philippines for the rest of my life. I would also be able to take care of the people I love and go visit some people I haven’t seen in a while (my daughter) and people I’ve never met (my grand-daughter and son-in-law).

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One advantage to the wife working where she works is all the leftovers she gets to bring home. Since they are not allowed to store leftovers to reserve to the kidlings at her school, we get a lot of the leftovers. The wife calls the stuff “hospital food” because it’s pretty bland, but you’d be amazed what you can do with a few spices, some butter, and a little imagination. Last night it was mac & cheese, which tasted pretty good after dumping enough salt and pepper on it. The little milks are also great, and saves us a ton of money. Milk is $7 a gallon here, and I have no problem rocking the little 8 ounce cartons she brings home with her.

That is all ye know and all ye need to know, at least for now.

2010-09-24T16:39:00.002+10:00

So, as is my custom, I stopped by the ATM closest to my house this morning before heading to work. Today is payday for us, and my normal routine is to stop by the ATM around 6:30 AM and grab some cash, since my paycheck gets posted into my account around 6 AM. This has pretty much been the routine since my arrival here on Guam.

This morning was a little different. I get into the ATM, find out my balance, and am getting ready to pull some cash, when shit goes weird. Suddenly, the machine locks up, and tells me that it’s going to sleep. Huh? I wait a few moments, and the machine reboots, with my card still inside it. I start pushing buttons, but alas my card has been eaten. Another guy comes up and is able to complete his transaction with no problems after the machine has completed the reboot.

I get the bank’s toll-free number on line, explain the situation to them. They tell me that the fastest and easiest way to resolve the situation is for them to send me a new ATM card, which means that it will take 7-10 days before I get a new card. A minor inconvenience, but also not a great way to start a Friday. You would think that this would put me in a foul mood to start the day, but it really didn’t. It meant that I would have to hit the bank later and grab cash, which isn’t exactly a bad thing.

You see, dear readers, the bank that is closest to my workplace has an added benefit, especially if you are male. Nearly all of the staff of this particular bank are women, the majority of which are quite pretty. Since I used to have to go to the actual bank a couple of times a month to send out my spousal support payments, the women there have gotten to know me pretty well, so much so that they will call me by name. It’s kind of a play on the old Cheers theme “a place where everyone knows your name” but in a nice way.

Two of these woman in particular are really nice to me. One of them, Kelly, is in her low 30’s and has pretty much either been pregnant or is recovering from a pregnancy in the entire four years I have been going to the place. She’s one of those women who seem to get pregnant whenever she’s within 30 feet of a naked penis. A very pretty woman, and also quite nice. Really friendly and an absolute pro at her job.

The other lady is what would be considered a “BBW” or Big Beautiful Woman (Amanda). She’s rather large, but in all the right places, with an insanely beautiful face. Every time I see her, my mind remembers the old Jeff Foxworthy joke about what guys sometimes think about when they watch bull-riding on TV: I could ride her but I’d probably end up getting hurt. Amanda’s probably a handful, but in an incredibly awesome way. If both she and I were single, I’d ask her out in a nanosecond.

I went in to the bank this morning, took care of business, telling them about my ATM adventure and chatting for a few moments before hitting the road to do some stuff for my employer. Amanda told me that the machine next to their bank also had been doing the same thing, and she had thought that it was only their location that had the problem.

Now, you might be thinking that it’s bad to flirt with these women, but it’s totally all in fun. All parties involved are married, especially me. I’ve said it before, but I think my wife is the most beautiful woman on the planet, and I would just as soon cut my own genitalia off as cheat on her. Which is, ironically, what would happen if my wife found out I did cheat on her.

With all of that said, while I am married, I’m still a man and not dead. Cheat, no. Look, hell yes.

Like I said, sometimes a minor inconvenience can have a bright spot.

When Weird Takes a Turn for the Better

2010-09-24T07:43:00.002+10:00

Sometimes something totally unanticipated and completely stupid can happen that changes your whole outlook about a day. Usually it’s something bad, someone says something horribly stupid or an event pops up out of the blue to throw some bad karma at your ass. Then there are times (and it’s not very often), a good thing will happen, totally out of left field, that makes you change perspective completely, if only for a couple of hours.

This is exactly what happened to me yesterday.

I had just picked up The Wife from her job serving school lunches to the Youth of Guam. Now normally, the drive home is an opportunity for The Gorgeous One to vent about the horrible shit she had to deal with while at work, and I usually just let her rip. I am if nothing else an attentive listener, and since I love to hear her talk, it’s all good for me. Better for her to get it all out of her system than stay inside and fester, which usually results in a scuffle between her and I later in the evening.

There she sat, blabbing away with me hanging on every word, when she happened to make a comment about how the food that they serve is “hospital food that has no taste”. For some strange reason, this struck me as being insanely funny, and I started laughing out loud. Suddenly, the funk I had been living in for the entire week lifted. Gone. Vanished. When I started laughing, she started laughing, and a bad day suddenly turned into a completely different beast.

It was also another reminder (if I needed one) as to why I fell in love with this woman in the first place. There are times when being married really sucks ass, and there are other times when really good shit happens that totally outweigh the minor annoyances. This was one of those moments.

The rest of the day couldn’t have been better. Suddenly, my mood had shifted 180 degrees, and I was happy. Bounced back to work smiling, even when shit got weird again. Drive to the far reaches of the island to check out something minor that maybe a handful of people really care about? No sweat, I’m all over it. Clean up a mess that some inconsiderate asshole left at a cell site? Why certainly, I have no problem at all doing that. Deal with rush-hour traffic and the hordes of people driving HUA (Head Up Ass)? Sounds like fun to me, let’s throw some tunes on and rock out.

(BTW, to those of you who were out and about around 6:15 PM last night and happened to hear a white guy singing along, rather badly, with Bruce Springsteen to some “Thunder Road”, I apologize. I was “in the moment” as it were.)

It continued when the workday ended and I went back home. The Wife and I joked a little more after my arrival. The wife explaining her dinner to me (soft rice with chicken, a.k.a. Filipino comfort food, while I made hash browns and Spam sandwiches, just chitchatting and enjoying each others company. As we both sat in front of the TV’s (me in the living getting my nerd on with Alton Brown on Food Network, The Wife rocking some Endless Love on GMA in the bedroom), I thought that the day was a good one, warts and all.

Funny how life works sometimes.

Rage in the Machine

2010-09-22T11:24:00.003+10:00

This week is not starting out well. In fact, the month of September has found me pissed off pretty much all the time. Anger seems to be my normal state, which is pretty unusual for me. Normally, I’m a pretty laid back guy, more or less. I do get upset every now and then, but nothing like this. Can’t remember the last time I got pissed off and stayed pissed off. Usually there are lulls in the anger when I’m having a bad week or month. Little things that pop up to lighten the mood, make me laugh out loud, make me not think about the things that are causing me such frustration. Days will go by when I can’t stop from smiling and feeling lighthearted. People laugh at me when I walk through the hallways at work, singing Who songs off-key with a bounce in my step.

Lately, though, the small bursts of levity that interject themselves have been few and far between. A part of it has to do with one of my bosses, who is driving me absolutely insane and keeps fueling the fire with his micro-management and utter stupidity. Getting calls at 9 PM on a Saturday night and then having to explain to him very basic concepts. Reminding him over and over again about things that were told to him months ago that are now suddenly the most important crisis on the planet.

We have a problem that was created due to poor planning and incredible stupidity by a guy who has since been fired, and who I have more or less taken over for. Every Tuesday morning, I am forced to sit in a meeting, and this problem gets mentioned during these meetings. The managers within my department know about it, and have known about it for some time, and never really acted all that concerned about it. Until now, that it, when suddenly it’s a huge issue that requires all and asundry to drop what they were doing to focus on the problem.

Dropping a dime on him and his ilk with the CEO of the company didn’t help things. In fact, it didn’t get shit accomplished. He was in my departments building the other day, and when he saw me, he made mention of the problem. My first words to him were, “This problem has been going on for 3 years now. I don’t understand why it is now a crisis.” What I soon learned is that my bosses failed to let him know about this problem, as he pretty much had no idea that it was going on.

Now that the problem at hand is now at the Major Crisis Level, my second level boss has decided to revert back to his micro-managing ways, and is basically nitpicking everything to do with the crisis. Top all of this off with the fact that I have to explain the exact nature of the problem by going back to the basic theory behind all of it, explaining shit to him like you would a ten year old, and you can see some of my unqualified frustration. Not only do I have to explain all of this, I have to do so OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Like the motherfucker has a learning disability or something.

Most of the time, I can escape all of this when I get home with the wife, and most of the time she’s able to lift my spirits without really trying very hard. Alas, this has not been the case, as she is also a source of frustration and irritation. It’s a given that wives tend to nitpick a fella. Normally, this doesn’t bother me that much. I just ignore it and go on from there. But her nitpicking has reached a bad level, topped by the fact that she’s on her period. NOTHING I do is right or pleases her. I’ve even heard comments about the way I breathe, for Christ’s sake. Sometimes it’s all I can do to keep from saying, “You don’t like living with me? Can’t deal with all of my issues, both real and imagined? Fine. Pack your shit and get out. I’ll put you on a plane in the next 24 hours, and you can go do whatever you want to do without having to deal with me and all the things you don’t like about me.” I love the woman to death, think she’s the most beautiful creature on the planet, but there are times when she drives me right to the fucking edge.

So, the next time you see me walking down the street and I look like I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder, it’s because I do. Right now, I am one pissed off white boy.

Hygiene for the Dumbfounded

2010-09-22T06:41:00.003+10:00

Some notes on a topic that I think we can all relate to. Well, most of us anyway. Some of our fellow members of society apparently don’t have a clue.

Because of my profession, I get to spend a lot of time on elevators, going to the top floors of buildings to work on cell sites. The other day, I was riding up to the top floor of one of the buildings in Hagatna, when a moderately attractive woman boarded the elevator. Being an admirer of the female form, my eyes were naturally drawn to her. A moment later, one of my other senses was also aroused. I couldn’t help but notice that this woman, well, there’s no other way to say this, stunk. In the close confines of an elevator, it was apparent that this somewhat pretty young lady had not spent any time with soap and water in recent days. The smell wasn’t bad enough to gag a maggot, but it was still pretty dire.

Now I can understand that sometimes, we all smell bad. I am by nature a profuse sweater, and take steps to work around this issue, deodorant and a change of shirts always being handy in the event I sweat through my shirt. My question is this: do people who aren’t really good at personal hygiene not know that they’re grossing out the rest of us? And, how do you handle a situation like that, etiquette-wise? “Pardon me, but did you wash your ass today? Your body odor is blasting us over here.”

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Then there is the other side of this particular coin. The wife and I were in the grocery store the other day picking up a few things, when she dispatched me over to the dairy aisle to pick up some eggs. When I rounded the corner, I was nearly knocked to my damn knees by a wall of perfume. It wasn’t that the scent of the perfume was particularly bad. It was obviously some high-end stuff. There was just a LOT of it. The smell in question happened to be coming from a lady who was pushing 70 and wearing more cosmetic products than your average 15 year old girl who is just starting to learn how to use makeup. Either this woman had almost no sense of smell or just didn’t care, but if the smell of her perfume was a sound, it would have been like standing next to a 747 at full takeoff power. I like perfume, and I like it when my wife wears perfume. My wife, however, knows the difference between “just enough” and “too much”. She wears just enough that you notice it, but not enough to cover her natural scent (which I find better than any perfume). Some woman either don’t know the difference between “just enough”, “too much” and “can smell you 10 miles away”, or just don’t give a shit.

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There are actually people in this world in developed countries who, after taking a shit and wiping their butts, don’t wash their hands. This is also beyond disgusting to me. If you’ve been dropping off some kids at the pool, at least have the common fucking courtesy to wash your hands after you get done. Same same for those times you feel the need to masturbate at places other than the privacy of your own home.

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Most of us, I think, know about good personal hygiene and practice it on a regular basis. It’s pretty obvious, just in the few distinctive examples I laid out above, that there are more than a few who have no idea.

As comedian Red Fox once said, “Ya gots ta wash your ass.”

2010-09-12T10:10:00.002+10:00

I know what you're probably thinking. "Here he goes again, pissed off about something and off on another tear". You would, in fact, be correct sir.

How hard is it for potential employers to tell you that, while they appreciate your application and interest in actually working for their company, they don't want to hire you? This is something that has come to mind both in the past and recently for the wife and I. You apply for a job, get interviewed, the person interviewing you expresses interest, then..........nothing. If you follow up the interview a few weeks later with an email, it gets ignored. "Sorry, I don't have the time to reply to your email to tell you that we hired someone else for the position."

It would be both courteous and nice if a company who interviews you lets a guy know in a REASONABLE amount of time whether you are still be considered for the position, or if they have gone another direction. I have had companies I have applied with in the past email or call me to tell me, "Hey, we appreciate your interest, but we've hired someone else for the position". When this has happened to me, I say thank you, and move on. Shit happens.

In our recent history, my wife has applied for some jobs, gone in to get interviewed, only to hear nothing back. Or, weeks or months will go by before the HR people at a company will call or email. In the meantime, since the first company didn't contact you, you went out and found another job with another company.

Maybe it's just me, but I think that employers and human resources people who don't at least notify someone that they didn't get selected for a position that they applied for are rude and unprofessional. I don't believe that treating people with respect and a little dignity is such a hard thing to do. Here on Guam, not being notified when you don't get selected for either a follow up interview or an actual job seems to be the rule and not the exception. Like we're supposed to just GUESS when we don't get the follow up phone call.

Enough of the rant. Time for some food and quality time with The Bride.

Fifteen Albums

2010-09-10T08:42:00.001+10:00

This particular note/idea has been making its rounds around the Internet in various forms and fashions, and I thought I’d give it a shot.

The rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen albums that you've heard that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Leave a comment on the blog, positive, negative or otherwise. If you don’t feel like commenting directly on the blog, leave me a comment when I post the link to this on Facebook.

Who’s Next – The Who
Simply put, the greatest rock album ever recorded. “Baba O’Riley” is amazing and “Won’t Get Fooled Again” is the best eight minutes in the history of recorded sound, let alone recorded music.

Johnny Cash – At Folsom Prison
The Man in Black at his finest.

Led Zeppelin II – Led Zeppelin
My favorite Zep album of all Zep albums.

Just One Night – Eric Clapton
Recorded live in Tokyo with a band that can really jam. Even my mom likes this album.

Permanent Waves – Rush
Hard to pick one Rush album over another, because everything they did from the early 70’s to mid 80’s was fantastic.

Wanted: The Outlaws – Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Jesse Colter, Tom-Paul Glaser
Defined my freshman year of high school. Outlaw country by the people who invented it.

Speechless – Steven Curtis Chapman
One of the greatest Contemporary Christian artists, who can severely rock when he gets a mind to.

Live Bullet – Bob Seger
Another live album, but ranks in the Top 5 live albums of all time.

Greatest Hits – James Taylor
I know, greatest hits album, blah, blah, blah. My go-to when I’m stressing out because the music is just beautiful.

Greetings from Ashbury Park, NJ – Bruce Springsteen
It’s “The Boss” – nuff said.

Occupation: Foole – George Carlin
Still makes me laugh.

The Grand Illusion - Styx
Prog rock, nerd rock, call it what you will. I call it great.

Song for America – Kansas
Because I love me some Kansas, so very much.

Songs From The Big Chair – Tears for Fears
I gave it some heavy rotation in the 80’s and even now it still sounds pretty damn good.

Escape – Journey
One of the most underrated rock bands ever.

There’s the list. It is by no means my “favorite albums of all time” list, but some of the selections would make that list.

Flexing Their Muscles

2010-09-03T07:39:00.000+10:00

As some things change at a rapid rate, others definitely don’t.

Once again religious groups are flexing their muscles when it comes to politics. This is especially true here on Guam, where a large section of the population is Catholic. Through the centuries, the Catholic Church has wielded a lot of political clout, and here in the Year of Our Lord 2010, it’s still doing so.

The Archdiocese of Agana has told members of the Catholic community here not to support any candidates who are in support of same sex unions, calling the unions “an intrinsically evil act”. In the past, the archdiocese has also called homosexuality a “culture of self-absorption and death”. It also issued a statement in the past saying that homosexual behavior empowers violent Islamic fundamentalist groups, who “clearly understand” the damage these acts inflict on culture, therefore undermining American war efforts in the Middle East.

So basically they’re saying that gay people are helping out Islamic terrorists. This to me is more than a bit of a stretch. In fact, it’s pretty much fear mongering, especially among those gullible few people who actually believe horseshit like that.

Now, I know that the topic of same-sex unions and same-sex marriages is a touchy subject for a lot of people. There isn’t a whole lot of middle ground on the issue, and every time one of the talking heads on TV brings it a bunch of people to discuss it, it usually gets heated quickly. The issue is spending a lot of time in courts of law lately, and there hasn’t been an election in recent memory where the issue wasn’t raised.

I my own self believe that those who are gay should have the right to get married if they want to, or at the very least, legal unions. I don’t see where two gay people getting married will have any impact on my life, my marriage, or anything else that directly affects me. I do have a few gay and lesbian friends, and why shouldn’t they have the same rights (and especially the benefits) that I as a heterosexual have? The right to have that bond, that commitment between two people that love each other?

In a recent article in the Pacific Daily News, a member of the Guam Legislature pointed out that the Catholic Church could make better use of its time and clout by cleaning its own house, referring to homosexuality and pedophilia within the Catholic Church. I agree with this, because, ironically, it is one of those things that Christ actually taught when he was here on earth (about fixing yourself before you try to fix others).

Now before we go any further, let me state something right up front. I am in no way anti-Catholic. My wife is Catholic, and I attend Mass with her on a regular basis, even though I’m not Catholic. There are some pretty cool things within the Catholic Church if you are willing to look past the dogma and the bullshit that pretty much every religious group is trying to sell or shove up our collective asses.

With that said, I think it’s wrong that the Catholic Church is trying to flex its muscles as it applies to who we should vote for. Politics, like religion, are a very individual thing. People should examine the candidates and decide who they think best represents their interests. The recent posturing by the Catholic Church will directly influence those who believe that the Church is infallible, never makes mistakes, and that the Pope is God’s right-hand man. Their statements will undoubtedly affect those who are unwilling to use their own brains and decide for themselves who to vote for.

Like I said, the more things change, the more they stay the same. It's gone on for centuries and it will continue to go on.

Friends Versus Acquaintances

2010-08-30T07:03:00.000+10:00

We all have people in our lives who fall into both of these categories. The friends are those that we are particularly close to, who know a lot of shit about us as individuals. We know the names of each others’ wives and children, know a lot about where each other has been and what they have done in their lives. These are also people that we trust, knowing that we could tell them anything. People we trust and who trust us, whose opinions actually mean something to us as individuals. We care what they think, and know that our individual opinions are important to them as well. People who could call you at 2 AM in need of something, and you would do whatever was necessary without a second thought.

(And before the question is asked, I’ll answer it. Yes, you can have true friendships with people you meet at online social networking sites like Myspace and Facebook. I have several who fall into this category, and I value their friendship greatly. I trade Christmas cards with them, have spoken to them on the phone, and value their opinions as if they were physically here and we have daily interaction.)

Then there are acquaintances. These are people that we know somewhat, through work or hobbies, church or other social groups. Maybe they’re friends of friends. You’re not particularly close to an acquaintance, in that you probably don’t know a whole lot of details about them. You also know that, while you have to deal with these people at some level, you don’t consider them as friends. Maybe you don’t trust them completely and aren’t willing to share details from your life with them. In fact, some acquaintances turn out to be people that you really don’t like or can barely stand to be around. Usually, we don’t really give a rats ass what they think about anything relatively important. We know enough about them to do whatever is necessary, and don’t really dwell on them all that much.

It gets weird, though, when an acquaintance starts believing that you are their friend. They believe that they have bonded with you on some level that you don’t particularly share, and start treating you differently. Wanting to spend more time with you than you feel comfortable with. Telling you shit that you could care less about. Believing that there is more to the relationship between you and them than you feel actually exists.

This has happened to me recently, and it bothers me a little bit.

On one side of the coin, I kind of feel sorry for the guy in question. This person is not easily likeable at any level, has horrible personal hygiene issues, and believes that his opinion is valued by everyone he happens to cross his path. The reality of it is that people just barely tolerate him, and only communicate with him because it’s absolutely necessary to get things accomplished at work. In other words, he’s a pompous asshole.

Part of me wants to pity the fool. To show a little compassion for someone other than myself. Do some self sacrifice, take one for the team, and be nice to the guy. Be a pal. Reap a little good karma.

The other side of the coin is that inner voice that tells me, “Tell the guy to fuck off. It might be mean, but you have to cruelly stomp on his delusions of friendship before the shit goes too far.”

I’m currently trying the third option, which is avoid the guy like syphilis and hope he can take a hint. So far, this strategy isn’t working very well, but we’re just starting the process and I’m trying to be patient about it.

My friends know me and know that my loyalty to them is beyond question. If you are my friend, you know it without having to be told. While I have a lot of friends, I have very few close friends, and it’s been that way my entire life. Those that do consider me a friend and vice versa, know that there is nothing short of a felony that I wouldn’t do for them, and I feel the same from them without having to be told or have it spelled out.

Has anyone ever had one of these “acquaintance with delusions of friendship” situations, and if so, what did you do about it?

Shit My Dad Says

2010-08-30T07:01:00.000+10:00

There is a new book that has hit the shelves recently called Sh*t My Dad Says. It’s a story of a guy who goes through a divorce and ends up moving back in with his father, and he captures some of the wisdom his dad lays down on him in a pretty amusing way. If you get the chance, give it a read. It’s a pretty funny book.

It did get me thinking about some of the things my Dad laid on me over the years. Some of the things my own Dad says or has said that still hold a place in storage in my brain, that I’ll occasionally go back to once in a while.

I Can’t Stop You from Doing It But I’ll Sure as Hell Break You of the Habit
Whenever anyone would do something stupid or get ready to do something stupid, you would hear this. It’s both funny and somewhat menacing at the same time. Kind of like saying “Go ahead, asshole. Do it and see what happens”, but in a funny kind of way. Still had the menace attached to it, and it made you give a second thought to what you were doing, but still pretty funny to hear.

Ya Gotta Be Tough to Live in the West
Something bad happens to you or someone you know. It could be bad as in sprained your ankle, or as in when life hands you a shitty deal and you have to go through it.

(Name of Company) Wanted Me to Have This
My Dad is the master at taking stuff that nobody wants and turning it into something useful. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. That and the time honored habit of stealing from your workplace, something I think we all do or have done every once in a while. Dad is by no means a thief, but he has been able to take stuff that no one really wants and use it to his own advantage in his own home, or to give to someone else who has need. He once took a shitload of old railroad ties and made awesome garden boxes with it. I use this phrase my own self on those occasions when I find something I know no one has any interest in and decide to take home, where I can put it to good use.

If You Go Hungry in My House, It’s Your Own Fault
Even when he was unemployed and struggling, Dad was always able to put food on the table. While there were some rough times when I was growing up, I never went hungry. (That would come later on at my own hand, unfortunately). Growing up, there was always food on the table, even if it were something simple like eggs and toast for dinner. He made shit work, and if you were hungry, you had no one to blame but yourself.

These aren’t all of the phrases my dad is known to use, but they are the best ones; the ones that have hung with me over the years, and in many ways have adopted for my own use. There is wisdom there, in both small and large ways, and also a slice of his personality that remains a part of me.

Monday Morning at The Guam Desk

2010-08-30T06:59:00.000+10:00

“It’s a town full of losers, I’m pulling out of here to win.”
Bruce Springsteen

And now, kidlings, now that I am fully energized with coffee and cigarettes, ready to face the challenges of the new workday, it’s time once again for an update from The Guam Desk.

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I love me some Facebook, but think it’s time to talk about something that has been bothering me for a long time. Those of you who are into the gaming that is a part of FB, cool. Good for you, glad you found something you enjoy doing. With that said, though, I have to tell all of you gamers that I REALLY DON’T CARE about what you happen to be doing in Farmville or Mafia Wars or any other time-waster that you get involved with, and I would appreciate it if you would just enjoy your gaming in private and not clutter up the ether with your posts. I could give a shit less that you have sodomized your barnyard animals in Farmland or Farmville or whatever. It also goes on to prove that there are people in the world who have a lot more free time on their hands than I do.

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Yesterday was our annual Company Picnic, being held down at Jeff’s Pirates Cove down at the southern end of the island. The Gorgeous One and I did not attend, because in spite of the title of this blog, I’m really not into Mandatory Fun. I’m also not fond of these gatherings because there is something about seeing wholesale ass-kissing up close and personal that really bothers me a lot. In my company, there are only about 30 people I can actually stand being around, so it was better not to be there and ruin their frivolity.

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Those of you who don’t have a lot of experience hanging out with Filipinos, let me school you on something for a moment. When Filipinos have a party, even a small gathering of friends or family to celebrate some occasion, there is always a lot of food involved. I mean, A LOT. For the second Saturday in a row, the wife and I spent the evening at her aunt’s house in Yigo, where we ate so much food that I’m surprised we were able to walk away. There was seafood, mussels, fruit salad (made with fresh tropical fruit and coconut) and of course, my personal Kryptonite, BBQ Pig Meat fresh off the fire. It was a good night, filled with a lot of laughter and interesting conversation, and fortunately the rain held off.

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A note to those of you who are currently running for public office here on Guam: ENOUGH ALREADY. You folks have ruined the scenery of the island by putting up your signs everywhere that there is a wide enough spot in the dirt to put one. TV is almost unwatchable because of all the commercials telling us how you will make life better for all of us. We all know that the government here is the second-most corrupt government in the Asia Pacific region (second only to the Philippines), and we all know that each and every one of you who is running for public office is already bought and paid for. Give us citizens a rest, for crying out loud.

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This blog has been brought to you by Marlboro and Maxwell House, both feeding the addictions and habits of people for decades.

Thursday Evening Notes from The Guam Desk

2010-08-26T17:30:00.000+10:00

And now it’s time once again for some utterances and amusements from what we lovingly like to refer to as “The Guam Desk”, otherwise known as this thing I call my life.

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I’m trying to live by the mantra “Work Hard and Keep Your Mouth Shut” at work, but it keeps getting harder and harder every day. I have a meeting that I am supposed to go to every Tuesday morning that I put in the same category as anal surgery without anesthesia; something to avoid if I can possibly get away with it. Go to these meetings, tell the managers (since we have no leaders) what the deal is, and then get asked the same exact questions the next week. Managers being reactive instead of proactive. I had a bit of a mini-explosion on one of my managers yesterday, because I was at the point where I believed that screaming at the bastard would be the only way to get my point across, since nothing else was working. Naturally, what I told him went in one ear and out the other.

“I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”

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You would think, given the fact that Guam is a pretty small island, that it would be nearly impossible to get lost. You see the island on a map and think, “There’s no way anyone could get lost on Guam. It’s too small a place. Plus, this guy has lived there for 4 years already, probably knows every nook and cranny of the island.”

I got lost yesterday.

One of my bosses tasked me to take a look at one of our old sites to see if it would be possible for me to install some microwave equipment there and get the particular cell site off of leased connectivity. Since I had never been to the site in question, I asked a couple of my friends how to get to the place. They told me, “Oh, it’s easy. Look for this street name nearby this elementary school, and you’ll see the site on the left hand side of the road.” Sounded reasonable to me, so off I went

The problem was that someone stole the street sign I happened to be looking for. I ended up on a back road that I didn’t even know existed, in a place where they have only seen white people like me on television. What many of us refer to as “banjo country”, as in “you can hear the banjo’s playing the theme song from “Deliverance” when you’re back that far in the jungle.” I eventually made my way back to an area that I knew, but it was just a little weird for a few short minutes. I had also never seen a boat up on cinder blocks before, like you would see an old car in many white trashy neighborhoods, but I saw one yesterday. In fact I saw several.

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This weekend is our annual Employee Picnic, which, once again, I will not be attending. Sundays are generally days that the wife and I do a whole lot of nothing. That and the fact that I have to be nice to people I don’t really like while I’m at work; I’ll be damned if I’m going to do it on my off time if I don’t have to.

Some would call this being antisocial, but I beg to disagree. Another example of where my job and the people I do it with do not define who I am. It’s cool to hang out with some of the cool people at work in a pleasant setting, but it’s the other assholes that I would have to deal with that I can’t stand that put a damper on it.

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That is All Ye Know, and All Ye Need to Know, at least for now.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
“The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did.”
Otto, Animal House

The Current Playlist

2010-08-26T13:22:00.000+10:00

My current playlist of stuff that makes me happy or want to sing in the car.

“Carolina in my Mind” – James Taylor
OK, some of the lyrics make absolutely no sense at all. There are others that are insanely good. “And it seems like it goes on like this forever, you must forgive me if I’ve up and gone to Carolina in my mind” – genius. I’ve always loved James Taylor, but as I get older I’m starting to appreciate him even more.

“Thunder Road” – Bruce Springsteen
I’ve listened to this song many times in the past, but recently it’s taken on new meaning. For some reason (I was probably behind the wheel and bored), I really started paying attention to the lyrics a bit more, and realized that Bruce Springsteen is probably the greatest musical genius America has created in the last 40 years. That probably explains why I listened to this song 38 times the other day.

“Stars Tonight” – Lady Antebellum
It is impossible to not feel good after hearing this song. Such positive energy, driven by some very kick ass music. The guy in the next lane over probably thought I was insane while singing along and pumping my fist listening to this jam. This is a band I am going to keep a serious eye on, because they have the potential to become absolute monsters in the country-pop arena.

“If You Want Blood (You Got It)” – AC/DC
When they’re shoveling dirt over my grave, I’ll still love AC/DC, even though I’m not a huge fan of metal. A great song to get aggressive with.

“Who Are You” – The Who
No playlist of mine would be lacking a Who cut. I’m digging on this at the moment because Roger Daltreys’ singing of Pete’s lyrics are just brutal, filled with anger and attitude. Sounds like THE most pissed off white boy on the planet, ready to kick the shit out of anyone or anything that gets in his way. The Who are still the gold standard as far as rock music is concerned, at least in my brain.

“Shower the People” – James Taylor
I know, another track from “Mr. Mellow” his own self. I just dig the way the track is put together, and the sentiment behind the lyrics, about never letting those who we love know that we love them. Something that we should all think about.

There are others, but these are the songs that have captured my imagination lately.

Story Songs

2010-08-26T13:20:00.000+10:00

It’s no huge secret that one of the things that keeps me going on a daily basis is music. There are certain things I could live without, but music isn’t one of them. Like a lot of people, a good song at the appropriate time can change the way you feel about the shit that happens in our lives. You could be having an absolutely horrible day, and then hear something you haven’t heard in a while that just completely changes the focus of though.

Of all the genres of music, one of my favorites is what I refer to as “the story song”. While all music tells a story in it’s own way, the story song actually spells out something, has linearity, and most of the time a definite beginning and end. With that said, here are some of my favorites.

One for My Baby (And One More For the Road) – Frank Sinatra
This is one of those boozy kinds of torch songs that just sucks you in. A guy is talking to a bartender, telling him his woes, accompanied by some understated but great music. He apologizes to the bartender, but then goes on to tell his tale. No vocal explosions, nothing that feels out of place. Probably one of the most perfect songs about a love that has gone wrong and the regrets felt because of it. Forget “My Way”; this is Sinatra at his absolute best.

A Boy Named Sue – Johnny Cash
Cash sang so many songs that told stories that it’s hard to pick out a favorite. Sue is hilarious, but it’s also kind of poignant as well. When Sue finally meets his dad, he wants to kick his ass, and Cash describes the fight in detail. At the end of the encounter, however, he “comes away with a different point of view”. Brilliantly sung and still makes me laugh every time I hear it.

The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald – Gordon Lightfoot
One of the greatest songs about death ever written. Fantastic lyrics, which are helped by Lightfoot’s unusual (but not unpleasant) vocal sound. “Wreck” has a murky, ominous quality about it. While some would argue that the guitar work within the song is overdone or out of place, I think it actually frames everything out quite well.

The River – Bruce Springsteen
Somewhat depressing, but I absolutely love this song. “The Boss” tells a story about how the events in our lives change the focus of our lives, and sometimes not in the way we want the change to occur. “Is a dream alive that won’t come true, or is it something worse?” is one of the coolest lyrics ever written.

Strong Persuader – The Robert Cray Band
A story of adultery, told from the perspective of the guy who instigated it and caused the break up of a couple. Robert Cray is an amazing guitarist, and the solo in this cut is just incredible. It’s not only the story that’s written really well, but just the overall groove of the song, kind of makes you want to bounce a bit. Not many people know about Robert Cray, and if you have never heard him, he’s worth giving a serious listen to.

There are others that I’ve probably forgotten about, but the songs listed above are definitely on my short list.

The Simple Pleasures

2010-08-23T07:43:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, it seems that life its own self is just a little too complicated. Email, smart phones, schedules, priorities, social networking sites. Don’t eat that, it causes cancer. Eat this, it makes your eyesight better and your sexual prowess goes to a higher level.

There are times, I think, when we need to focus our attention on the simple pleasures. Those things that are uncomplicated, easy, painless. They generally don’t require a lot of thought, allowing a person to just put the brain in neutral and drift a little bit outside of the overwhelming flow that modern life in this year of Our Lord 2010 sucks us into.

Reading a Book
Not a Kindle, not an e-book, not a PDF file, and not an audio book in MP3. A genuine bound book made of paper. A book, even a paperback, has weight, bulk. You know you have something real, something tangible, in your hands. The simple act of picking up a bound book, finding a comfortable place to kick back, turn some pages, and escape into another world. Letting the words of the author paint a picture in your mind. I’m a big fan of reading, and have been since I was in my early 20’s. The nice thing about books is you can read one, put it down for a couple of years, then go back and reread it again, and most of the time the words will refresh themselves in your brain.

Junk Food
There is comfort in things that are familiar and not necessarily good for us. Sometimes they bring back a memory of times past. Other times, they’re just a simple indulgence, something almost but not quite naughty. My wife and I are big fans of Little Debbie Fudge Brownies, which are our go-to junk at the moment.

Taking a Shit/Defecation (also known as “Dropping a Deuce”)
Big fan of this particular natural act. One of the things I used to LOVE doing was to sit on the toilet, drop some social commentary, read the newspaper and smoke. Since my wife banned smoking in our apartment, I cannot do this anymore. Still, for a few moments you’re by yourself, contemplating thoughts deep or trivial. That and the fact that it feels really good to “drop some kids off at the pool.”

Music in the Car
A great song comes on the radio, and suddenly you feel the need to sing along. Even if the noise coming out of your face is horrible to most people and small animals, you enjoy it. Jamming down the road, you can feel your heart getting lighter, like all of your troubles have disappeared, if only for a few brief moments. This morning as I passed by Hagatna Bay, me and Bruce Springsteen were deeply involved in “Thunder Road”.

The Laughter of Loved Ones
All three women in my life (my insanely cool daughter, my wife, and my grand daughter) all have really incredible laughs. When they laugh, it’s like music to me, especially if I am the cause of the laughter. My daughter’s laughter is like the best drug ever made.

These are all simple things that really don’t mean a hell of a lot in the overall scheme of life, but I think it’s the simple things that give each of us a place to go to when the world is going insane and/or shitting all over us. We should enjoy these things for what they are and take stock in them every now and then.

Thursday Notes from The Guam Desk

2010-08-12T19:36:00.000+10:00

Some notes on this rainy Thursday evening from here at the Guam Desk.

Early this morning, I was at one of the sites I work at taking care of some wiring and maintenance. It’s an apartment building, and our site happens to be on the 11th floor of this building. As I was riding the elevator back downstairs, a Korean woman got on with a yellow Lab puppy that was maybe 6 months old. The dog was on a leash, but it was acting up a bit, anxious to get outside and take its morning constitutional (meaning dump). The woman kept telling the dog “Sit, sit” in Korean, but the dog wasn’t having any of it. I asked the woman, in Korean, if her dog understood Korean. She told me, “He’s bilingual”. For some reason, this struck me as being pretty funny.

++++++++++

I would like to personally thank the Government of Guam, or whoever is responsible for the roadways here on this lovely island, for all the work that is currently underway to do whatever the hell it is that they are doing on the roads. I just wish that you bastards would have thought a little about scheduling. There are currently at least 5 different major projects going on that affect 4 of the major roads here, and each of these projects has turned travel on Guam into one big pain in the ass. The nightmare’s in Barrigada and Sinajana have been particularly annoying to me of late, as I have been doing a lot of work in these areas.

++++++++++

Speaking of GovGuam, the wife and I had a chance to spend some time with the good folks out at the Guam Public Health and Human Services building recently. Now I’ve been around government buildings pretty much my entire adult life, but I can honestly say I’ve never been at a place where you can actually feel the hopelessness as you can at this building. The place just reeks of doom and despair, for some strange reason.

++++++++++

I don’t know about anyone else, but I for one will be glad when election season is finally over. You can’t drive 100 feet on this isle without being inundated with all of the posters and road signs. It has gotten to the point where it’s more or less a blight on the landscape, especially the Calvo-Tenorio signs. The damn things are everywhere.

++++++++++

Generally, I like rainstorms, and I’m particularly fond of thunderstorms. We’ve had some doozies lately, though. I was driving around the southern end of the island the other day, and it rained so hard so fast that I literally had to pull over to the side of the road and wait it out.

++++++++++

That’s pretty much it from here on Guam, where the muumuus are large, the men good looking, and the children are all above average.

The Lottery Pipedream - Revisited

2010-08-12T19:17:00.000+10:00

I think we all have these little “what if I won the lottery” scenarios running through our brains at one time or another. Our minds toy with the possibility of winning millions of dollars, and what we would do with the lucre once we laid our hot little hands on them. This is my personal pipedream.

I find out that we won, say, $6 million. I tell not one living soul other than my bride about our windfall. As soon as the money is in our hands (so to speak) we start making plans to leave Guam. I quietly turn in my resignation at work, telling them that I have found other employment. The wife quits her job, phoning in her resignation.

Within 48 hours, all of the stuff we want to keep is on its way to the Philippines, the apartment is given back over to the building manager (with two month’s rent paid for their trouble), and the car is given to one of my friends to do with as he sees fit. We fly into Manila, spend the night in a very nice hotel, then head out into the provinces not very far from my in-laws. We tell the in-laws that I have taken early retirement from work, and have come to settle down in the place we both plan on staying for the rest of our lives.

The wife and I start the process of finding a modest but comfortable place to build our retirement home. I will have very little input in this process other than location. Knowing my bride as well as I do, I know that whatever decisions she makes about the house will be fine with me. Close enough so that family and friends can easily come visit; far enough away so that they are not in our faces all the time. We like our privacy as well. My only requirement would be for an individual office, a “mans room” where I could hang out in when I need some alone time.

Since she’s not up on long plane flights, I then depart for a couple of weeks, headed for the US mainland. First stop, Texas, where I spend a week with my daughter, her husband, and The Princess (aka, The Granddaughter). Arrangements are made to purchase a home for them along with a couple of new cars, and a trust fund is set up for The Princess so that she can attend the college of her choice once she is of age. After Texas, various other relatives are visited; mortgages are paid off, debts are settled.

The ex-wife is contacted, and a deal is made concerning spousal support. She gets 10 years in advance, cash, and that ends that, financially speaking. She then has enough cash to do whatever she wants to do with the rest of her life.

A quick stop in Portland to see some friends, and then it’s back to the PI. By this time, the Bride has the construction of the house well underway, and we go about looking for something to occupy our time. Starting a restaurant has always been something I have wanted to do, so we start looking around for a good location for that. We also consider starting up our own Jeepney service and other business ventures, just to give us something to do so that we don’t get bored. These businesses would also supply employment for some of the in-laws.

More college educations are paid for, but nothing too crazy or overly flashy. The wife and I quietly fade into our existence, spending time with family and developing some businesses. I take occasional trips to the US to visit with family, maybe a couple of times a year. I also finally get time to concentrate on finishing the book that I know resides inside me.

The key to all of this is to not be flashy with the new wealth. Just live modestly but comfortably, taking care of those we care about. Maybe do some charitable work, but again, not so that we are in the spotlight.

Granted, this is just a fantasy or a dream, but I figure it’s a nice dream to have.

2010-07-26T16:16:00.000+10:00

Time once again for a large heaping dose of my personal gibberish, sponsored by Marlboro and Maxwell House Coffee.

+ = +

My vote for “Biggest Asshole in Media” has once again swung. For a long time, I believed that Sarah Palin was one of the most irritating people to ever draw breath. No more, kidlings. Now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Glenn Beck has now replaced Sarah Palin as far as levels of assholish behavior are concerned. At least with Palin, I could always go to my sexist side and think, “Well, she’s a retarded bitch, but I would still have sex with her if I had a chance.” With Beck, there are no options, no “He’s an asshole but he does have this one redeeming quality, so I’ll let him slide.” I would personally love to see Beck get his ass kicked on national television. Now that’s reality TV at its finest.

= + =

Recently on my Facebook page, I posted links to two videos of two bands doing the same exact song. The first was a video of U2 doing a cover of “Won’t Get Fooled Again”, which I followed with a video of The Who doing the exact same song. There are very few, if any, bands that can surpass the original when it comes to great rock compositions, and this comparison is a case in point. Other than The Edge, who is a great and sorely underrated guitarist, the U2 cover blew chunks. I personally thought that Bono should have had the shit kicked out of him for the travesty he made of the song. The rest of the band seemed to be phoning it in as well. The bottom line is this for bands who wish to cover rock and roll classics; make an effort when doing so or don’t even attempt it.

+ = +

This is from the “What Goes Around, Comes Around” Department. For years, I used to punk on people who were addicted to their smart cellular phones. Used to make smart-assed remarks about them, give them a lot of shit when I would see them hunkered down around their phone doing things. I even made comments like “I would only want one of those things if it gave me hot coffee and a blowjob”.

I’ve now had a Blackberry Bold for the better part of a month at the insistence of my boss, and can now understand the attraction. Not only can I check email while sitting on the toilet, it has a ton of other features that I really like. The video camera is first rate for what I would use a video camera for, and I especially like the little voice recorder where I can record notes for later use. It also has a lot of other things that I really love, like the games. For all of you who I used to give shit to for their smart phones, I’m sorry. I’m now one of you. As far as the “hot coffee and blowjob” scenario is concerned, I think that will be in the next generation Iphone.

= + =

And now a look at what I like to call “Completely Retarded Behavior”.
I work for a company that has roughly 250 employees. Every once in a while, if someone gets promoted or there is a policy that The Powers That Are want to put out, an email gets sent out to every employee telling them about it. I have no problem with that because it’s a great way to get information out in a hurry.
What I DO have a problem with are those people who feel that they must share their opinions, however absurd, with everyone in the company. They’ll do a Reply All to the email and spout their bullshit or congratulate whoever got promoted. To me, this just seems like ass-kissing the management, letting them know that they are In The Know.
It would be better if, once they found out someone got promoted, to send that person an email letting the person who got promoted how they feel, instead of the ENTIRE COMPANY. Or, do what I did and find the person and tell them face to face what I thought. It’s a sad thing when people with obviously room temperature IQ’s have access to computer equipment.

+ = +

There should be a rule that, if your waist measurements are larger than your height, you should not be able to purchase fast food, period.

As Dr. Hunter S. Thompson said, “That is all Ye Know and all Ye Need to Know”.

Monday Notes from The Guam Desk

2010-07-26T16:12:00.000+10:00

Been a while since I’ve posted an update from the Guam Desk, so I thought it was once again time to update all on this wonderful thing we like to call “My Life”.

+++ As is usually the case, there are times when the simplest of plans get seriously screwed up and turn into something that you really don’t expect. This is what happened on Saturday afternoon. The Gorgeous One and I had planned on dropping by her aunt’s house to drop off a couple of things, then head back home. The plan was to stay no longer than 30 minutes or so, hit the grocery store and go home. As soon as we arrived, this plan was immediately thrown out the window, as the aunt wanted to cook spaghetti for everyone, and drafted The Bride to make the sauce. Four hours later, we finally left for the house. She could tell that I was getting just a wee bit bored, because while she and her relatives were talking, I basically had nothing to do. Fortunately, the Blackberry has some pretty cool games on it, so I spent the time doing that.

+++ The Gorgeous One and I spent most of Sunday afternoon playing on the computer at home, with me trying to teach her a few things. My wife, who is one of the smartest people I have ever met, has next to no experience with PC’s, so I am trying to bring her up to speed a little bit. We built her Facebook account, and I think the next step in the whole process is teaching her how to do basic word processing.

+++ Speaking of educating the wife, we had another opportunity last night. I am one of the few Protestants that my wife has ever known, so she has almost zero knowledge about Protestants in general. Part of this is my own fault, in that I rarely partake of Communion during church services. Since we have known each other, I have never done Communion at a Catholic Mass. Last night, I felt the need to take Communion. Afterwards, The Gorgeous One asked me if I was baptized Catholic, knowing that I wasn’t. I had to explain that Protestants also do Communion, just not as often as Catholics do, which is at every single Mass. I explained to her that every Protestant church I have ever attended does Communion on average about once a month. One of these days I’m gonna take her to the Lutheran church down the street and have her sit through a non-Catholic service just so she understands it a little better.

+++ I had a pretty good talk with a new friend the other night, and it seems that there may be some new opportunities coming my way in the near future. I’m not going to hold my breath in anticipation, but when I left our little conversation, I felt really good about what the future has in store. More on that later if shit actually happens.

+++ The Bride and I also had to deal with a part of the Government of Guam today, and if anyone ever gets the opportunity to do that, don’t. The place we had to go to was called the Bureau of Vital Statistics and Public Health, and I have to say that it’s a pretty bleak place. Not a lot of happiness in that particular building, especially amongst the employees. She needed a health certificate for her new employer, and we got the usual bullshit runaround when dealing with GovGuam, with a large dose of filing fees thrown on as well.

+++ Another tourist drowned near the reef recently, very close to the place where the wife used to work. What the hell a 69 year old woman was doing out near the reef at 11 PM is beyond me. We usually lose a couple of tourists a year to drowning, because they end up doing something stupid like ignoring the bad currents out near the reef. That or they think they are far, far better swimmers than is actually the case.

That is all ye know & all ye need to know for now from here at the Guam Desk, where the women are strong, the men good looking, and the children are all above average.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
“The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint to keep from meddling with them while they do it.”
Theodore Roosevelt

Liberation Day, Meat Sickness and Random Shizz

2010-07-20T16:13:00.000+10:00

Brief notes on topics that are on my mind……

Body Odor
Got on an elevator the other day with a woman who was clearly having BO issues. We were the only ones in the elevator, & even though I was on the other side of the car, I could clearly smell her nasty ass. Granted, she was dressed fairly well, but that didn’t hide the fact that she reeked. It’s even worse when it’s woman, because my experience with most women is that they don’t have the same problem with BO as men. This woman was clearly having some hygiene issues.

Do people who suffer from excess body odor know that they suffer this affliction? Have some of them not heard about these products known as soap or deodorant, perfume? As the late comedian Red Fox once said, “Ya gots to wash your ass.”

Then there is the other end of the spectrum. The wife and I were in the grocery store the other day, and there was an older lady pushing a cart around who you could also see the fumes coming off of. This foul odor, however, was caused by the fact that it smelled like she had poured a liter of very cheap perfume all over herself. The kind of perfume that young girls sometimes wear when they hit a certain age and discover makeup and other womanly products. You could sense her presence an isle away, almost feel the smell coming off of her. Horrible, horrible. I love the smell of perfume on a woman, but there is such a thing as too much. When The Gorgeous One wears perfume, there is just a hint of it, and it drives me insane, but in a good way. Makes me want to touch her a lot, hold her in my arms and just take in all of the sensations, the good smell, the soft skin, the entire wonderful package.

Liberation Day
Tomorrow is Liberation Day here on Guam. For those of you who are not familiar with it, it’s a holiday where we celebrate the liberation of Guam from the Japanese during World War II. This year marks the 66th anniversary of the liberation of the island. LD is the biggest holiday on Guam, without any doubt. There is a huge parade through Hagatna, the carnival is in full swing at Chamorro Village, and there will be fireworks. People generally camp out on the parade route starting tonight, and there is a lot of BBQ and beer involved. It’s generally a really good time, even if all you do is just walk around and people watch. Since The Gorgeous One and I live less than 50 meters from the parade route, we’ll probably do what we did last year, which was go watch a little of the parade, then head home and hang out. I just came back from Hagatna, and the insanity has already started.

Burnt Meat
Speaking of BBQ, the wife and I had the opportunity to spend Saturday evening at her aunt’s house in Yigo (northern end of the island), where they were celebrating a birthday. Two of the people involved are professional cooks, and there was a lot of awesome BBQ ribs, both pork and beef, involved, as well as a ton of other food. I ate so much that it didn’t take long before I was suffering the ill affects of Meat Sickness. That feeling where you have eaten so much and don’t feel like doing anything that remotely involves movement. So full that your pants don’t fit well, and you hope that by taking a shit it will relieve some of the pressure. Consequently, we ended up taking some leftovers home, and they were almost as good the next day fresh from the microwave.

Employment
It turns out that The Gorgeous One has found some employment, at least part time, and has to go to a meeting next week. The notification came a couple of hours ago, and my mahal seems happy about it. She will be working with her cousin and the job itself is nothing that she can’t handle. I’m happy for her, because she is slowing going insane at home with nothing to do. She’s like me in that neither one of us tolerates boredom very well.

Have a Happy Liberation Day everyone!

Friday Observations - Live from Hagatna

2010-06-25T15:29:00.000+10:00

The Mad Man on Guam welcomes you to the blog, sponsored by Marlboro and Starbucks French Roast Coffee. Both sponsors remind you that if you’re gonna have vices, make ‘em good ones.

-+-

The rainy season has started here in the Marianas with a vengeance. For the past couple of months, it’s been really dry, a lot drier than normal. You know it’s dry when the grass crunches underfoot. These last two days it’s as if Mother Nature decided to get caught up in a hurry.

I got a really large dose of rain early Thursday morning, just not in a good way. At 3:30 AM, my phone rings and I’m told that one of our sites has basically fallen off the air. Since I had driven the work truck home that evening, I threw on some clothes and away I went. Naturally, the failed site in question was one that was outside, in an area that is not exactly lit very well. Even though the equipment I was dealing with was low voltage, it’s not a lot of fun to work on electrical gear when you are soaked through to your very soul. My day didn’t get any better, and after 14 hours I was well and truly spent.

-+-

The Gorgeous One will arrive back on Guam next Thursday morning after being off island for 5 months. I have submitted for my last two vacation days of the year (until September) and will spend a nice four day weekend with her. In preparation for her arrival, Sunday is officially designated as “Clean Everything Day”. The apartment; the car; everything. By no means am I dirty by nature, but compared to her standards, I’m a bit of a slob. The kitchen is OK, but the bedroom and the car definitely need some work. I’m also going to try to harvest some of the coconuts that are in the trees near our apartment, so she can have some fresh off the tree juice when she gets here.

-+-

Our weekly Tuesday lottery here on Guam is now up to $30 Million Large Dollars. I’m playing this week, for the simple reason that you can’t win if you don’t play. If I was to hit it, I wouldn’t even bother driving to work to resign. I’d do it by email, and invite all of my closest friends to one big-assed party before I left the island for good.

-+-

I’m expecting some really good news in the next week or so. I can’t divulge what it is exactly, but if it works out, my mental well being will definitely be improved. If you email me or contact me on Facebook, I will let you know what it is.

-+-

Would someone please remind the members of the press that if they keep paying attention to the bullshit coming out of Sarah Palin’s mouth, then she will keep yammering and basking in her own self importance.
While I do find her to be pleasant on the eyes in a middle aged sort of way, she loses me when she opens her mouth.

-+-

I’m still plugging away on the book. I have had a couple of people here read a few chapters, and from the laughter I heard, it appears that I’m right on target. Anyone wanting to read some of the gibberish, feel free to contact me by email at troyinhagatna@gmail.com or on Facebook, and I’ll be happy to email you some of the PDF’ed chapters. And if you were a friend of mine during the period 1982-1987, you’re probably in it.

That’s it for now. Remember the sponsors, so chain smoke and drink a lot of coffee.

The World O Sports

2010-06-17T15:45:00.000+10:00

And now, boys & girls, time to take a look at the wacky world of sports from my somewhat skewed perspective. This blog is brought to you by the friendly folks at Starbucks and Marlboro, who remind you that if you’re gonna be addicted to something, make it something good (just not good for you, per se).

Albert Haynesworth/Washington Redskins
This is an individual who plays professional football for a living and signed a $100 Million Dollar contract not very long ago. Now Haynesworth has decided that he doesn't want to participate in any of the activities leading up to the start of football training camp because he doesn't like the direction that the team is going in.

Many of his teammates are calling him selfish. I am calling him an asshole. Last time I checked, football was a team sport, not one based on individual achievement. If he doesn't like the direction the team is going in, let him give up some of those fat Millions that the team gave him and let him move on. If he's not willing to give up the cash, he should show up for the work and shut his bitch-hole. A lot of us who work our asses off in regular jobs don't like the direction that our companies are going in, but we show up for work and give it our all. If we really can't stand it at work, we find another job. Albert Haynesworth is just another prick of a professional athlete who seems to think the world revolves around him, and doesn't realize, understand, or care what the rest of us go through on a daily basis.

Lebron James/Cleveland Cavaliers
Another asshole. The media, especially ESPN, is obsessed with whether or not this guy will re-sign with Cleveland, or go elsewhere. The Cavalier organization makes it sound like the world will stop revolving if he doesn't, and have embarrassed themselves publically to get him back.

If I were the general manager of the team, this whole issue would take exactly one phone call. "Hey Lebron, it's me. You planning on re-signing or not? I need an answer by the end of the week. If I get no answer, then we'll just assume that you and your monstrous ego won't be back for next year, and we'll move on without your ass. Have a nice day".

Note to ESPN: Most of us really don't give a shit about this story, so please give it a rest.

Peter King/Sports Illustrated
I actually used to read his Monday Morning Quarterback posts every Monday, but no more. Another case where the journalist feels that he is bigger than what he's covering. He also made a smart-assed comment about the Who playing the halftime show at the Super Bowl, which, as a devout Who fan, really pissed me off. He’s a hack and nothing more.

The US Open
I’m waiting to see if Mickelsen or Tiger lay the smackdown on Pebble Beach, or if someone else steps up. I really would like to see it come down to Tiger and Phil, because when they’re both playing at their best, no one in golf can touch them.

A side note concerning Tiger. I really don’t give a shit about what’s happening in his personal life. In fact, I’m surprised something like what happened didn’t happen earlier on in his career. I still like to watch him play golf. His personal life is no ones business but his own. That’s pretty much how I feel about any athlete, up to a point.

Brett Favre/Minnesota Vikings
We might as well get ready for another media circus, whether he will retire or not. Another case of “I don’t give a shit” on my part.

Somethings Coming, Something Good

2010-06-15T19:13:00.000+10:00

For the life of me, I simply cannot figure it out.

It feels like I am on the cusp of something great. A feeling, deep down inside, that’s telling me that something incredibly awesome, wonderful, life changing, is about to happen in my life. I don’t know WHY I feel this way, but I can’t deny that the feeling is there. Call it a premonition, or call it just a gut instinct, but I just know it’s about to happen, soon.

This feeling has had a rather positive effect on my life in the past couple of days. The things that used to piss me off suddenly don’t really matter all that much anymore. I did something stupid this morning at work, and instead of beating myself up, calling myself an idiot, I actually laughed, smiled, joked with myself about it. This is totally out of character for me, since I am and always have been my own worst critic. Our normal Tuesday morning meetings, which I usually complain about a lot and dread worse than ass surgery without the benefit of anesthetic, was actually fun. I left the meeting smiling, energized to attack the tasks that I had to deal with today. Left work looking forward to going back there in the morning.

Something unbelievable will happen soon. I just have to wait and see what it is.

++

I made myself another one of my mix CD’s this morning, and loaded it into the stereo in my work truck. Since it was a band that I haven’t listened to lately (Journey), it came as a pleasant diversion as I was driving to one of our distant cell sites. Steve Perry and I were rocking out, I was driving well above the speed limit on a great piece of highway, and felt like I owned the world with $26 in my pocket. Funny what music can to do you sometimes when you least expect it. (BTW, the song Lights also works when the bay in question happens to be Hagatna Bay).

+ +

Pork steak cooked in the oven with some instant mashed taters is a great meal. The same leftover pork is even better the next day for dinner. I am beyond full right now from Day 2 of the porky goodness. I’m thinking fish sandwiches for dinner tomorrow night.

+ +

Is it just that the prices here on Guam are high, or did cereal suddenly become a luxury item? I was in the grocery store tonight picking up some milk and happened to walk down the cereal aisle. Seems to me that $5+ is a lot of money for a box of cereal. Then again, I’m kinda on the cheap side. I’m just happy that I don’t have little ones at home who are deep into cereal, because it could get real expensive real quick. (For those of you who are unaware, Frosted Mini-Wheats make a great snack when you’re sitting around watching TV. A little dry, but Diet Pepsi or a flagron of iced tea takes care of that rather well.)

+ +

For anyone who is interested, I’m still writing as a hobby, and have been jamming some pages on my book in the last couple of days. I sat down last night in the hope of just trying to capture some old memories about a certain event that happened nearly 25 years ago. Before I knew it, six pages and two hours had passed, and I was really into it. Anyone wanting to read some of this opus I am working on can email me at troyinhagatna@gmail.com and I will happily email you some pages. Constructive criticism is always greatly appreciated. I have no illusions about becoming the next J.K. Rowling, and I’m mostly writing for my own enjoyment.

+ +

That’s about it from “my city by the bay” here in Hagatna. Later this week I’ll take another stab at pop culture, a little about the status of rock radio for the middle aged, and other topics that strike my fancy or other bodily regions.

Always remember the immortal words of that great rock poet, Mr. Frank Zappa:
“You are what you is”.

Monday Gibberish, Thoughts, and Observations

2010-06-14T15:59:00.000+10:00

“It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln

Notes, tidbits of information, and just some of my normal mindless bullshit, for all to enjoy.

++ It has been unbelievably hot lately, even by Guam standards. I haven’t been much on the going out and doing anything on the weekends, other than taking care of the laundry and buying food. Best to stay indoors in the air conditioning, watching TV and reading and playing cards on line. All over the island, the grass is crunchy and brown, and I’m actually looking forward to the rainy season. I want to hear the sounds and feel the perceptible change as a large thunderstorm hits the island, Unlike some folks, I love thunderstorms, and really feel the need for one.

++ I won $43 from Saturday nights Sports Bingo draw. It isn’t much, but its $43 that I didn’t have two days ago, so it’s all good. Tuesday nights’ pot is $18 Million Large American Dollars, and my ticket is already hanging on the freezer door at home. Instead of letting the machine pick the numbers, I have gone ahead and picked my own. These numbers are based on my daughters’ birthday, my wife’s birthday, and a few other factors. We’ll see what happens, but something deep inside is telling me that something truly amazing is going to happen soon.

++ This morning I had what could be characterized as a GREAT meeting, if such things are possible. I won’t go into details, because there are still a few things hanging in the air and I don’t want to screw things up by getting too hopeful. Suffice to say, I left that meeting fairly confident and happy.

++ It feels like a new chapter in my life is getting ready to happen, a chapter filled with good things coming my way. Don’t know why I feel this way, but it’s definitely there, and it’s exciting. The phrase “rife with possibility” comes immediately to mind. For the first time in a very long time, I’m smiling a lot more, and my attitude is positive, hopeful. Like a light deep within me has been turned on and is burning brightly. It is a rare feeling and one that I am relishing.

++ In a little more than two weeks, The Gorgeous One (my beautiful bride) will be returning to Guam, after spending the last 5 months in the Philippines. It has been a rough period for her due to all of the drama she has had to deal with there, and I’m happy that she and I will once again be together. I’ve missed her a lot.

++ My congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks for winning the Stanley Cup. I only got to watch Game 6 because of the time difference, but enjoyed it immensely. Good hockey is always fun to watch.

+ + Last week, I emailed 3 chapters of the book I am attempting to write to my daughter and a friend of mine in Atlanta who happens to be an editor by trade, in the hope that I could get some feedback on the gibberish I have written. One of the chapters was a rather deep look at religion, and the other two were based on some of the mischief I got into while living in Korea in the early 80’s. No feedback yet, but I continue to write, which is the primary reason I haven’t been posting much to this blog recently. If anyone else would like to get copies of some of this stuff emailed to them, feel free to email me and I’ll happily send it to you.

Something to Think About
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

Monday Evening at The Guam Desk

2010-06-07T19:36:00.000+10:00

Time once again for another update from The Guam Desk……

Work has literally been kicking my ass for the past two weeks. It seems that as soon as I think I’m getting ahead, something comes up and I am once again pissing against the tide. I worked most of Saturday, only to get called out Saturday afternoon after being at home for a grand total of 30 minutes. Between the actual work that my bosses want me to finish, plus the general health of the network I am in charge of, plus some of the special projects that I want to get done, it seems like it’s never ending.

A little more than 3 weeks until The Gorgeous One comes home, and I cannot wait to see her. Between now and then, I have to engage in some serious apartment cleaning, because if she saw it the way it is now, she will most definitely kill me. She will also be able to go coconut crazy once she arrives here, as the trees in our side yard are full of coconuts. Add that to the neighbor’s mango trees, which he freely lets us take as many as we want, and she will be in fruit heaven.

I haven’t been on line much lately on the social networking, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been busy in my limited free time. I’m continuing to work on my book, and for once the stuff is just flowing out of me. Aside from the true life no-shit stories, I’m also working on some stuff about serious subjects, like religion, homosexuality and other topics. I’m also considering working on a screenplay for a sitcom that is rattling around in my head, just for the general hell of it. If anyone is interested in reading some of the drivel, let me know and I’ll email you some chapters. Outside opinions are always welcome.

Had a lovely dinner the other night at my friend Jerry’s house. Along with Jerry and his lovely wife Gina, our friend Craig and his family stopped by, and my old boss and good friend Nancy showed up as well. One of those evenings where you sit around with good friends, drinking a few cold beers, and enjoying a cool night sitting around in lawn chairs and bullshitting.

It has been exceptionally dry here on Guam for the past couple of months. I think we need a couple of days of soaking rain to kind of level things off a bit.

I have another blog about leadership that I am reluctant to post. The reason for my reluctance is the fact that some people that I work with actually read this blog, and certain people would be grossly offended by what I have to say. That, and there are some rat bastards who would love to make cheese points with the bosses. If any of you are my friends on Myspace, you can look for it there. Better to be safe than unemployed.

For now, that’s it from this lovely island in the Northern Marianas, out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, where the women are strong, the men good looking, and the children are all above average.

Wednesday Notes from The Guam Desk

2010-05-26T19:00:00.000+10:00

“I’m a little tired out but I’m feeling OK, but I got a little lost along the way, and I’m just around the corner from the light of day, just around the corner to the light of day” – Bruce Springsteen

Notes, happenings, and commentary from here at what we affectionately refer to as The Guam Desk.

-+- Incredibly wonderful phone call from The Awesome Daughter this morning. She and her coworkers are currently roaming around Texas on what the Air Force calls a field problem. The Wonder Kid seemed totally upbeat and happy, and I got to hear her laugh a bit, which is always a good thing (if you heard her laugh, you would totally understand). We talked about showers in field conditions, MRE’s (aka Meals Refused by Ethiopians) and other field related things. She also advised me that she would be going on temporary duty to the wilds of Indiana in July, which I believe she’s kind of looking forward to. For the first time ever, she asked about my beloved bride and how she is doing. I’m taking this as that she is being more receptive to my marriage, and think it’s a good sign.

-+- The Gorgeous One is still in the Philippines, still coming back at the end of June. She has had to once again be the peacemaker between one of her brothers and his wife, which ended up in her taking the sister in law to the doctor to get her eye looked at (which we paid for). This brother in question apparently had words with his wife after drinking way too much, and gave her a shiner for her troubles. I found this unusual, because the brother in question is generally pretty mild mannered. I still and always will believe however that there is no excuse for hitting a woman, ever. She’s also been dealing with various drama scenarios with my mother in law lately. It can be said that my bride has patience and wisdom far beyond her years, much more than I do. I will not be happy until she is back here on Guam with me.

-+- I had to take one of the new Japanese managers assigned to my department up to one of the remote sites today, to let her see some things first hand. It was a nice little reason to get out of the office, and I think she understands a few things a little bit better now.

What I find odd is how some of my male coworkers think she’s the hottest thing in the world, in particular one of my Palauan coworkers. Maybe I’m just middle aged and happily married, but I for one don’t see the attraction. The woman is “not hard on the eyes”, as the saying goes, but then again, she is not in possession of overly massive beauty either. Certainly not to the levels that some of my male coworkers feel she is. She’s nice, and I think I can work with her; beyond that, nothing else. Sorry, boys, I just don’t see the attraction.

-+- Friday evening I will once again be participating in the annual American Cancer Society Relay for Life, held at the G.W. High School track. This is a massive event that gets well supported by everyone here on Guam. If it is anything like previous years, we can expect to see around 20,000 people or more out there, lots of BBQ action going on, and people pitching in for a very worthy cause. I will be participating along with several of my coworkers, as the company will have a tent there. It’s a lot of fun, and I look forward to it every year.

-+- Just got home after stopping by the grocery store and buying my Guam Sports Bingo (nee lottery) ticket for the Thursday night draw. I’m not greedy: a million dollars would solve all of my financial problems and I could retire and live well.

-+- Instead of dinner, I’m enjoying a couple of glasses of orange juice instead. Been thinking about it for a couple of hours now, and the first glass went down really well. Ice cold and delicious. Think I’m have me another one, which will make my wife very happy indeed.

That’s about it from here at The Guam Desk, out here in the heart of the Pacific Ocean, where the women are strong, the men good looking, and the children are all above average.

Pop Culture (Such As It Is)

2010-05-26T18:53:00.000+10:00

And now it’s once again time to take a look at pop culture from my somewhat weird perspective. Social commentary, as it were, concerning life as we know it here in the Year of Our Lord 2010.

++I took the time the other night to watch an episode of “Glee”, since my daughter and every other female I know under the age of 50 is in love with that show. Now I see why it’s so popular with the women folk, and I must admit, I even enjoyed it slightly.

++Of all the horribly bad commercials on TV, I think that the ones for hotelplanner.com are the worst of the lot. Every time I see those two guys, in their rejected-from-Kmart sweats, I feel the urge to beat the shit out of them, slowly. The best commercial on TV, by far, is the GEICO commercial with Charlie Daniels in it.

++On the subject of commercials, there is one that cracks me up but gets missed by those who are unaware of the connection. There is a commercial for Keystone Light, where an old lady is standing underneath a tree. When asked what is wrong by Keith Stone, the old lady tells him that her kiki is stuck in a tree. Kiki happens to be a very beautiful girl. What is unknown to most people with no Filipino connections is that the word “kiki” is also Tagalog (language of the Philippines) slang for the vagina. When I hear the old lady say that her kiki is stuck in the tree, it makes me laugh. Either she has done something that defies the laws of physics and anatomy, or she’s a lesbian who has hooked up with a woman at least 30 years her junior. Another example of my screwed up sense of humor, maybe.

++The masses here are getting spun up in election mode again, and with it the bullshit that we all have to deal with. Normally I try to ignore all the fuss, but sometimes it’s not possible. The ones I hate the most are the trucks that drive through my neighborhood, blaring their gibberish, with pictures of “Whatever Asshole We Think Should Win” mounted in the back of the truck. A couple of times, I literally had my BB gun in my hand, hoping that a couple of potshots would hurry them on their merry way. I do not want to hear that shit in my apartment, period.

++If you haven’t had a chance to scope it out, check out “America: The Story of Us” on the History Channel. Even if you aren’t a history buff, this is a really well put together series about American history. It has some great special effects, and is extremely well written. This is one of the few things that I think I will actually spend money and buy the entire series on DVD when it comes out. It’s on the same level as Ken Burns “The Civil War” series. Historically correct, addicting as hell, and fun to watch.

++I have been doing a lot of downloading off of YouTube recently, after a friend showed me how to do it. I’ve been on a big Heart and Warren Zevon bender recently, downloading a ton of music videos. If there is anyone out there that wants to learn how to do it, email me or Google it. Pretty simple and a lot of fun.

++Went to the movies on Saturday to check out the new Robin Hood flick. Russell Crowe is really good in it, and so is Cate Blanchett. You would think that, since it was directed by Ridley Scott (who also directed Crowe in The Gladiator) that it would be sort of The Gladiator Part 2 but set in England, but it really isn’t. A very well done action flick that doesn’t overdo it. I especially liked Cate Blanchett as Maid Marian, and the supporting cast is also quite good. A different spin on the legend of Robin Hood than what I expected.

++SLANG PHRASE OF THE WEEK: “Dropping a Deuce”
As in, “I really wish this stupid meeting would end so I can go drop a deuce.”

Notes from The Weird Side of Town

2010-05-11T19:07:00.001+10:00

I realize that I haven’t written anything in a while about this wonderfully strange thing I like to call “My Life”, so I thought it time to do so.

++ My awesome daughter took the test to become a Staff Sergeant in the US Air Force last week. I know she was stressing about it, and even if she doesn’t make it this time, I’m incredibly proud of her. Every time someone tells her that she can’t do something, she proves them wrong. The kid is simply amazing. A great airman, a doting and devoted mother to my perfect granddaughter, and, most importantly, just a cool human being. She amazes me at every turn, and I consider it an honor that she’s my kid.

++ The Gorgeous One (AKA, my mahal, my asawa, the woman who married me in spite of my faults) and I got some good news last week. We received word from her doctor in Manila that the insurance company had in fact decided that they would pay for my beloved’s medical treatment, and we would pay the deductible. This means that we will pay a total of $140 instead of the nearly $700 that we would have had to pay if they decided not to cover it. I had no idea how we were going to pay for it if they didn’t cover it, so this is a bit of relief to both of us.

++ Financially, I’m kind of strapped right now. Between the rent and the money I had to send to my insanely beautiful wife, I have a total of $35 to live off of for the next two weeks. You would think that I would be stressing about this, but in reality, I’m not. The electricity works, my internet and cable TV work, and there’s plenty of food in the apartment. I’ve been in far worse situations, and I’m not terribly worried about it. Payday is only 10 days away, and that check will cover everything that hasn’t been paid. Life could be a hell of a lot worse.

++ Last week was my week to give training to everyone in my company. Three classes per day for three days, with the classes lasting about 30 minutes. Some people would think this to be a pain in the ass, but I tried to make it enjoyable for everyone, including me. A boring subject (in this case, security) can sometimes be fun if put into a different light, and that’s what I tried to do. Keep things low key, hit all the important points, but keep it from being dull. Throw some jokes around, interact with the people attending, keep it moving but make it fun. From the comments I received from my coworkers (including from the CEO of the company), I think I was able to accomplish that. It has been a while since I did any public speaking or teaching, and for me, it brought back a lot of memories. I enjoyed it immensely.

++ I have tried not to focus on the negative aspects of my job lately, but it gets hard sometimes. While most of the people I work with are cool, there are more than the fair share of assholes and swine that I have to deal with. Mostly, I’ve been just doing what needs to be done, keeping my mouth shut around anyone in “management” (since there are very few leaders in the company I work in, I won’t use that term), and keep my head down. Try to spend as much time as possible at field sites. Tuesdays are usually my “Weekday from Hell”, as I have to sit in a meeting with people I really don’t like. Today was a little different, in that I was able to say my piece and get the hell out relatively quickly. A good thing, since the meeting went on for 5 additional hours after I left, and, as usual, I’m sure nothing got accomplished. To paraphrase Robert E. Lee, “I would rather face a thousand deaths”.

So that’s about it from here. Between working on my book, playing on Facebook, and watching TV, I’m just relaxing and killing time waiting for 8 PM to roll around so I can call the wife and find out what’s happening in the Philippines.

That’s all from Guam, here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, where the women are strong, the men good looking, and the children are all above average.

When The Body Rebels

2010-04-26T19:06:00.000+10:00

“And the highways getting longer and the saddle’s getting cold, I’m much too young to feel this damn old. All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole, I’m much too young to feel this damn old.”
Garth Brooks

46 years of age is, by no one’s stretch of the imagination, considered old. With that said though, it’s pretty obvious that my body is in rebellion right now.

Actually, it started about a week ago, when I was getting out of the truck at work. All of a sudden, my lower back started to ache, right above the belt line, to a point where I was walking around like I was in my 80’s. Damn but it did hurt. All of last week, whenever I had to do anything strenuous, the back would give me fits.

By the time Sunday rolled around, I thought I was getting better. The left side of my back didn’t hurt anymore, and the pain on the right side was manageable. Still not at 100%, but better nonetheless. Since one part of me was getting better, my body had a meeting and conspired against me.

Back: We’re not all the way good yet, but better.

Stomach: Really? Think it’s time I acted a fool then. Let me send the boy running for the toilet a couple of times, let him get some exercise.

Asshole: Let me get in on the fun too. Every time he shits, I’ll make him hurt so bad he’ll want to scream like a little girl. (And he did that)

Right Knee: Oh, I need me some of that action. Time to kick in some ache.

After they had their little meeting, the torture began. First, at 3:30 AM, my stomach sent an urgent message to my brain that it had need of the bathroom, right the hell now. As I was sitting on the throne where all men are equal, I noticed that my knee was hurting as well. Not a throbby or sharp kind of hurt, just a dull ache.

Going back to bed didn’t help much, and getting up was not a reason to celebrate either. The entire day has revolved around extra trips to the bathroom and doing so with back and knee pain. With all of this going on, I was understandably less than motivated about doing any serious work today. I got a few things accomplished, but nothing that required a lot of physical effort.

Now I’m home and fresh from the shower, and there has been some improvement. The knee isn’t so bad, but the back is still letting me know it cares, and I foresee the stomach having a Krakatoa-like reaction later on this evening.

I guess it’s my bodies way of telling me that I’m no longer in my 20’s or 30’s, and shouldn’t continue to act like I am. Start taking better care of things, maybe eat a little better and jack up the vitamin intake. Probably need to schedule an appointment with my beloved curmudgeon doctor again as well.

Random Noise from the Guam Desk

2010-04-19T19:23:00.001+10:00

Random noise for a Monday evening……..

-Because I was a little bored and knew no one would be around, I worked all day Saturday. It was a Good Thing, because I ended up getting a lot accomplished. I always have one or two nit-noid little projects that I can never seem to find time for, and got most of them accomplished. I made up for the extra work on Saturday by doing absolutely nothing on Sunday, not even bothering to get out of my pajamas.

-For some reason, my lower back is just killing me today. It was fine until right when I got to work, then it decided to lock up on me. Any type of bending hurts like hell, from picking stuff up off of the kitchen table to wiping my ass. Wish I had a bathtub at home to soak my bones in. Part of getting older, I guess.

-At the direction of The Gorgeous One, I have been trading emails with her doctor in Manila to get the full story on her health. Unfortunately, the news is not good. Now none of the issues are life threatening, but they do have some impact on her quality of life and a couple of other things. I forwarded the emails to Her Wifeliness and am going to have her read them herself, because explaining it all would take entirely too much time. She’s going to be disappointed, but there really isn’t a hell of a lot we can actually do about it. I sent her some money on Friday so that she could extend her airplane ticket, but at this point in the proceedings don’t know if staying there is an option, since we are pretty much out of options with the doctors.

-No update on the brother-in-law situation and his kidnapping. There is still no word from the people who took him a month ago. The wife’s family had a press conference last week, but I have yet to find anything on the web that mentions it. I’m trying to remain as upbeat as possible for my wife’s sake, and I pray for him a couple of times a day, but the reality of the situation is that he’s probably dead. This event has put some Pure Fear in the hearts of the family, and I worry about my wife constantly.

-My daughter has apparently gotten into the habit of letting my wonderful grand daughter play with her cell phone, because every now and then I’ll get a phone call that the Caller ID will say is my daughter, but I will hear a little 15 month old voice in the background spouting gibberish. It’s the cutest thing you have ever heard, but may not be so cute when my daughter gets her phone bill. On my part, I only let her rattle on for a few minutes before hanging up.

-I don’t care what anyone says, there is nothing better in the world of sports than playoff hockey. The hits are harder, the game seems faster, and you get to see hockey at its purest. My beloved Colorado Avalanche are up 2-1 in their series with the San Jose Sharks, and the Godless Communist Detroit Red Wings are behind in their series with Phoenix. As for the Eastern Conference, I’m pulling for New Jersey, simply because I like Martin Broduer, who is the best goalie in hockey since Patrick Roy retired.

More later maybe. Must have Motrin for the back and a hot cup of tea sounds like a good thing to have right now.

Annoying Things

2010-04-19T19:19:00.001+10:00

A short listing of the things that are currently annoying the hell out of me…..

PEOPLE WHO HIT “REPLY ALL” ON ALL EMAILS
If you want to voice your opinion on something that you are working on in a collaborative effort, it’s great. I’ve done it a few times when it relates to projects I happen to be involved with. Unfortunately, where I work, people do it in an irritating fashion. A few of the swine that work in the Corporate HQ have a habit of sending out emails to everyone in the company over trivial bullshit, and invariably there will be at least 3 people who will “reply all” to let everyone in the company know that they are in fact irreversibly stupid. I don’t know who they are trying to impress, but it’s not working on me.

What would be cool is to see someone do a “reply all” when they have completely snapped, gone bat-shit crazy and just wanted to vent. THAT would be entertaining.

TURTLE RACERS
For those of you unfamiliar with the term, this is when you have two cars driving the same speed, usually lower than the posted speed limit, and one is trying to pass the other because they happen to be going 1 MPH faster than the car getting passed. This is highly annoying to those of us who regularly ignore the posted speed limit, like me. If you aren’t willing to do the speed limit, fine. Keep your happy ass in the right lane, and let the Big Dog run.

“IT IS WHAT IT IS”
This particular phrase has gained some popularity where I work, to the point that everyone is now using it way too often. In fact, it’s a rare thing to have a conversation about a work related issue when this phrase doesn’t get used. I find it annoying and it just shows that some of my coworkers have zero imagination.

PARANOID BEHAVIOR
There are some people in our corporate HQ who act strangely paranoid all the time, particularly when it comes to saying anything derogatory about the company or the executive management team in general. They act as if someone is actually monitoring what they say and will later use it against them. These same people probably shouldn’t come over to where I work, where we speak our minds and use colorful language to do so. These same people would probably be offended if they heard one of the executives referred to as an “ass-monkey”, which is one of the tamer names used in the building where I work.

CRAZY PEOPLE
I’ve always had a problem with people who live right on the edge of insanity. I don’t mean those of us who are crazy in a good way; I’m referring to those who are out of their minds all the way around. The people who obsess about the painting of a parking lot. Those who yell random gibberish at strangers on the street for no apparent reason. Where I live, most of these folks happen to gather at the grocery stores, which is odd in its’ own right.

PEOPLE WHO STARE AT THE MENU IN FAST FOOD PLACES
I’m one of those guys who pretty much knows what I want to eat when I walk into a place, so it’s irritating to be behind someone who stands in line for 10 minutes and still can’t decide what they want to eat. It’s fast food, not trying to decide whether or not to invade the Asian land mass. Pick something and move on.

MEETINGS FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING A MEETING
There are enough utterly pointless moments in life without having to endure meetings that accomplish nothing, other than to say “we had a meeting and discussed it”, whatever “it” happens to be. We do this on a regular basis where I work at, once a week at least, and it’s a day that I can pretty much write off as far as getting anything accomplished.

Music on My Mind

2010-04-19T19:13:00.001+10:00

NOTE: If you have been reading my gibberish for a long time, like since the mid 2000's, you may have seen this before. If not, enjoy.

Music. Its something that’s a very personal thing to most of us. For some of us it defines us, shapes our feelings, becomes far more than just something that helps to get us through the day or background for our lives.

There are people who write for magazines that make a very good living as music critics. They listen to it, analyze it, form their opinions and then tell their readers whether or not something is good, mediocre, or whether it is shit.

There’s more to music than that, though, whether something is good or bad. Those two criteria are pretty basic but don’t cover the whole thing. Music, like any other artistic endeavor, is about feelings, location, a moment in time or a place, a whole spectrum of intangibles that are impossible to explain and damn hard to understand.

A song can mean different things at different times in different locations. A prime example of this has occurred in my own life. My musical tastes have always been in the classic rock-country-southern rock areas, with a taste of punk, jazz, and classical thrown into the mix for good measure. I try to be open minded about all kinds of music, but there are types and artists that I usually avoid like the plague because in my mind they aren’t worth wasting my time on.

Celine Dion was a prime example. I never really liked her music, thought it to be lame, mindless housewife music. Thought she did music that had nothing to do with me. This all changed one day a few years ago in the strangest of places at the strangest of times. I was in the Philippines, taking a ride with my sweetheart, her sister, and two friends of the family. It was 95 degrees outside, and we had just finished some shopping. The night before, my sweetheart, this woman that I love more than my own life and I had spent the night talking and making love. It was one of those nights when two people really feel like one person. Anyway, we were riding along, heading to a restaurant for some seafood. She had her head on my shoulder, our arms entwined, the air conditioner in the car was blasting, the sun was shining. As we are riding, our friend puts Celine in the CD player, and plays Beauty and the Beast, her duet with Peabo Bryson.

In the space of 30 seconds, unexplainable total clarity. This wasn’t lame, and it wasn’t some crap pop song. All of a sudden, this one song actually meant something to me, became important. I know it may sound cheesy and lame to someone reading this, but at that moment in time, a new meaning was discovered. Hearing those voices singing while having this incredibly beautiful woman who loves me more than I deserve close by my side made this song and this artist important in my life. Five years have passed since this happened, and I still love this song because it reminds me of that slice of time. I joke with my wife that she’s the beauty and I’m the beast, but the song had the same effect on her as well.

It’s about moments like this one and millions of others that help to transcend music in our lives. Its OK to read critics in music publications and online. Some of these critics are really good and letting you know what’s there, kind of an overview of what the particular artist is trying to say. What is not OK is to base your selection of music based solely on what these critics have to say.

If there is a particular artist you are fond of and the critics pan their latest work, chances are there may be something there that will appeal to you in some way anyway.

Thursday from the Guam Desk

2010-04-08T18:25:00.000+10:00

My beautiful grand daughter, who I am convinced will someday rule the world.

Getting caught up on this thing we call life………

--My daughter called me this afternoon, clearly distraught. My son-in-law was hospitalized last night, and the doctors are having a hard time figuring out what exactly is wrong with him. He’s been having some serious health problems now for about a year, and it’s starting to wear on my daughter. His name is Russell, and if you pray, I would ask that you pray for him. While you’re at it, pray for my daughter as well.

--The news from the wife in the Philippines is that they have received confirmation from “unnamed sources” that her brother is still alive. It has been 17 days since a van appeared in front of his house and 4 armed men took him away. To be honest, I had my doubts and still do, but the wife says it’s true. She’s still stressing and our conversations are still brief, as if I’m being a burden to her. I’m still trying to be the supportive and loving husband, and not taking it personally. We’ve gone from talking twice a day to once in the evening, and I miss her, a lot.

--Did you ever walk into the grocery store in a big hurry, grab a few things and head home, only to find upon your arrival at the house that you bought the wrong shit? This happened to me recently. I made the mistake of buying nonfat milk instead of real milk. Maybe it’s a taste thing, but nonfat milk is nasty, even on cereal or in coffee. I want my milk to have the fat, because the fat is what makes it taste good. On the subject of milk, does anyone think that paying nearly $9 for a gallon of milk is expensive? To me it almost seems obscene to pay that much for milk, but that’s what we pay here on Guam. Oh, you can get the Foremost milk that is made here, but it’s so horribly bad that its undrinkable.

--Recently, I applied for another position in my company, and the COO pulled me to the side last night before I left work to talk about it. It’s about a 99% possibility that I won’t get the position, for reasons political and otherwise. It is my belief that the Home Office already has someone picked for the job, and just won’t do me the courtesy to tell me to my face. I have no problems with rejection, but I do have a huge problem with evasiveness and being treated with zero respect, especially when I put in 60 hour work-weeks and did well on my last performance appraisal. I don’t like being treated like a child, especially by my employer. A lot more would get done if certain people in our company would man up, but I’m not going to hold my breath and wait for that to happen.

-- If you haven’t seen it yet, go rent the movie 2012. One of the best movies I’ve watched in a long time, with some incredible special effects. John Cusak is also quite good in it, along with Oliver Platt, whose character is a first rate asshole. Pretty decent way to spend nearly 3 hours, and I think I’ll end up buying it. If you are a cheap bastard like me, you might want to consider buying “previously viewed” (meaning used) movies at Blockbuster or your local video store. I’ve never had one that didn’t play, and the prices are usually pretty decent.

--The Government of Guam recently enacted a new tax on cigarettes, and it will now cost you $6.75 per pack to smoke. Even more incentive to quit, as if I needed it. If they really wanted to make money, they need to tax light shitty beer. They’d make a killing on this island.

That’s all for Thursday from the Guam Desk. I have a book that I need to finish and some TV that requires my attention as well. Always remember the fine teachings of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: "When the Going Gets Weird, the Weird Turn Pro".

Issues of the Day, Part 1

2010-04-06T19:39:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, I get in trouble for voicing my opinion. There are times when discretion is the best course of action, and I generally keep my mouth shut on those occasions. There are also times and places where I feel I can say what I think and not worry too much about what anyone else thinks. A lot of people make the mistake of asking me what I think about something, and kind of wish they hadn’t asked the question once I have spoken up.

It’s time I said my peace about some of the issues of the day, and since this is my blog, it’s a perfect format to do so.

Politics
It’s no secret that I hold politicians at the same level of esteem as crack whores, lawyers, and used car salesmen. It is my opinion that, aside from the military, there is no such thing as selfless service in government anymore. It’s all about what can I do for me, how can I pad my bank account, stay in office, hold on to some power. We are a long way from what the Founding Fathers had in mind when this country was formed as far as government is concerned. I have more respect for a street whore than I do a member of Congress, especially the Senate. We won’t even go into my opinion of the Government of Guam.

Health Care
A lot of hubbub recently about the health care bill that went through Congress. To be honest, I don’t have an opinion about it, simply because I haven’t had a chance to actually read it. There are also a lot of people on both sides of the issue that have also not had a chance to read it either, yet feel it is there duty to either support it or bash it, sometimes going apeshit crazy in the process. The way I look at it, if you don’t know all the facts about it, it’s best just to shut the hell up about it until you can get educated on the issue. Read the actual law, study up on it. Then, feel free to either support it or not.

I do think that it’s a real shame that so many Americans don’t have insurance, can’t afford insurance, and in a lot of instances, can’t afford proper medical care for their families. The greatest nation in the world, yet we have a lot of people suffering. A lot of people in the insurance industry that I could lump in the same pile as crack whores, lawyers and politicians as well. This is aside from the recent problems my wife and I have had with our insurance company, the bastards.

Sarah Palin
Please, woman, give it up already. Your 15 minutes were over a long time ago. While you are a very attractive woman who I would happily have sex with in a New York minute, you lose me as soon as you open your mouth and start your yabbering. Go back to Alaska, write your books, do your television, enjoy your grandkids, and shut your pie hole.

Hunger
There is absolutely no excuse for the fact that many in America go to bed hungry every night. Not in a country that produces an abundance of food the way America does, where farmers are paid not to grow crops. Sadly, a lot of those who are hungry are children, little ones. It pisses me off that the politicians, when approached about the issue, will give lip service to it and then do nothing about it. People lose their minds about disasters in other countries, yet there are people in the towns where they live who will not eat today, or may not eat enough. I’m not saying we shouldn’t care about what happens in other places, like Haiti, but we need to focus more of our energy and resources on taking care of our own as well.

More later this week, including some really controversial shit that will more than likely piss off a lot of people and amuse others.

Mondays Don't Always Suck

2010-04-05T20:00:00.000+10:00

Notes on the Human Condition and other gibberish from my home here in Hagatna……….

-A 13 hour workday can be an ass kicker sometimes, while on others it can be a very satisfying experience. Today was one of the latter. Because of my insomnia, I was wide-ass awake at 3:30 this morning, so I decided to just give up and go to work early. From the time I arrived at work until 12 hours later, it was nonstop. So much so that I finally got to sit down and eat lunch at 3 in the afternoon. I finally arrived home at 7 PM this fine evening, satisfied that the company that provides me with a paycheck got their moneys’ worth today. I’m tired, but in a good way.

-Tuesdays where I work generally suck, because Tuesdays are Meeting Day. We have what is known as a Network Leaders Meeting, where a small group of us get together with the bosses and talk about what is going on and what we are doing. These are mostly frustrating exercises in futility, as we generally go for 4 hours or more and get nothing accomplished. Usually the conversation gets sent off in some weird direction, and any attempt to get back on track is met with confused looks from the bosses. I will be downing the coffee tomorrow morning and throughout the meeting like it is my One True Friend.

-My friend Craig and I are taking turns being the Designated Asshole a couple of times a week. We don’t plan this, but for some reason it just happens. Someone in management will do or ask something so horribly Wrong and Stupid that one of us is forced to resort to dickheadish behavior, right on the verge of Rudeness. It’s nearly always necessary, and sometimes it can be a lot of fun, if done right.

-This afternoon I had an encounter with what can only be considered a retarded member of the canine family. I’m driving down the main highway here on Guam, doing about 60, when I notice a dog crossing the road up ahead. I slow down, thinking that the animal will cross the road and I’ll be on my way. This dog decides that lying down in between two lanes of a very busy highway is a fine idea, and does so. I stop my truck about 10 feet away from said animal, and gently honk the horn, trying to urge him along to Somewhere Else. This causes the dog to get up and sit down right in front of my truck and stare at me for a good 30 seconds, bewildered as to what could be making such a horrible noise. I’m at the point where I’m getting ready to get out of the truck and encourage the dog along with a crowbar, when, for reasons unknown, the dog tears ass back across the road from whence he came.

-I got invited to go hear one of my friends play in his band this weekend at a bar, and I finally got off my ass and went to see them. He has been inviting me to check out his band for 3 years now, and something always comes up and I can’t go. In spite of the fact that I promised my lovely bride that I would be on my best behavior while we are apart, I went and checked them out. The band was really good, playing the kind of music I like to listen to. My friend plays bass, and they were jamming to some classic rock with the odd country song thrown in for good measure. The bar was nice, but not the kind of place I would normally hang out in, and the drinks were pricey even by Guam standards ($5 for domestic beer). That and the fact that there was a Navy ship in port and the bar was crawling with sailors kind of threw off the atmosphere of the place. I stayed until about halfway through their second set and my third beer and went home.

-Usually, when my company gives us a long weekend, I will at one point end up back in the office. Normally it is sheer boredom at home that drives me to it. This weekend was different. Other than going out for the odd domestic chore like laundry, I stayed in the apartment, watching TV and sleeping a lot. Friday afternoon I was in Deep Nap Mode, waking up to find out that it was dark outside already. A little food, a shower, and back to bed, falling asleep with the television on. Not a bad way to spend a weekend with the wife not being on island. If I can’t have the pleasure of her company, I can catch up on my laziness.

More later, possibly. Need food and a cold drank.

Claptrap at It's FInest

2010-03-31T20:38:00.000+10:00

“Well I never seem to do it like anybody else, maybe someday, someday I’m gonna settle down. If you ever want to find me I can still be found, taking the long way, taking the long way around.” – Dixie Chicks

Notes, trivia, tidbits, and claptrap from yours truly, diligently manning the Guam Desk……….

-Two of my friends recently got hired by one of our competitors in the telecommunications bidness here. One was my awesome ex-supervisor, who got hired into a position that will take full advantage of both her experience and knowledge of how my company operates, and I’m really happy for her. In fact, it was Topic of Discussion #1 in my office today, and the entire shop feels the same way I do. The other person simply got a better offer and quit. In both cases, it’s my company that loses, and our competitor gains a ton. I’m happy for both of these wonderful women, and a little sad for our company.

There’s a lot of uncertainty going around where I work. In our company, the HR department sends out an email to all hands whenever someone leaves the company, if they get canned or quit, regardless. It seems that these emails are coming at a fairly regular rate, and that’s disturbing in a company our size. At last count, 22 people have either been fired or quit in the first 90 days of 2010 (yes, I’m tracking it). It causes some uncertainty and fear within the workforce, especially when there is no feedback from management about all of it. In fact, we rarely hear from our leadership, other than a certain troll who feels that they are above all of us working stiffs. Just feels weird at work, and not the fun place I’ve grown accustomed to spending the majority of my life at. It used to be I would wake up and could not wait to get to work, see what new challenges were waiting for me. Now, it’s more like “fuck, I have to go to that place again today and deal with these assholes.” You can see the fear in people’s eyes, and that’s never a good thing. Screw it – they can’t fire all of us.

I have applied for another position within our company that is vacant. Do I think I have a chance at getting it? I’m qualified, but what I think will happen is that they will farm out the work that this person used to do to other people in that section and try not to fill the position for as long as possible. I’ve already made up my mind that, if I hear nothing in the next 30 days either positive or negative, I will be making an appointment to see the CEO of the company and have a little chat. He’s a reasonable man more or less, and I think he will listen to what I have to say and not take it negatively. Hope springs eternal in the heart of a middle aged techie like me.

-It has been 9 days since my brother-in-law was taken away at gunpoint, and still no word on his whereabouts or whether he is alive or dead. The in-laws remain hopeful, and I’m trying to think positive thoughts as well, karma being what it is. The Gorgeous One actually apologized to me the other night on the phone. She has been carrying the weight of her family these last 9 days, and the stress has been pretty bad for her. Consequently, she has treated me a little badly since it happened; short tempered, impatient, and sometimes a little mean. I understand this, and she really didn’t need to apologize to me. I know that she still loves me, but she’s going through a world of shit right now, and that can make even the most wonderful people a little ill-tempered. She’s handling it a whole lot better than a lot of people I know would handle it, and it’s just another reason that I love her so much. To say that I miss her terribly would be a gross understatement.

-Because Guam is one of the most Catholic places on earth, our company is giving us Good Friday off as a paid holiday. I have absolutely no plans and no idea what I’m going to do with three days off, but I’ll probably end up spending some of it at work. Better to be productive than at home in an empty apartment bored out of my mind.

-Still plugging away on my book. So far, it’s a combination of an autobiography and “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” from a soldierly perspective. It’s actually been fun thinking about some of the shit that happened, but a little hard at times to put it all in the correct chronological order. My memory sucks sometimes. I mean, I remember the events, but don’t remember what order they happened in. The years 1985-1986 were fun to think about and put down on paper, and there were others that had equal impact. I don’t believe there is a chance in hell that it will get published, but I will be distributing it to friends and family, just to hear what they think. “Holy shit” will probably be a common reaction.

-I’ve lived here for 3 years now, and all this time I didn’t know that there was a Planned Parenthood related clinic near where I work. It now explains all of the anti-abortion protesters a little better. While their numbers aren’t huge, usually just 1 or 2 people, they make an appearance at least once a week with their little signs. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, as long as they’re not assholish about it.

-Buy one get one free is something I can really get behind, especially when steak is involved. My local grocery had that on shoulder steaks, and I had to give in. Pound the hell out of ‘em, fry ‘em up and tuck in. Mighty tasty.

That’s it from here in the Marianas Islands, where the women are strong, the men good looking, and the children are all above average.

Sometimes It Gets Darker

2010-03-25T16:36:00.000+10:00

Just when you think that things are weird enough as it is, something happens to turn weird into a completely different thing.

My wife is still in the Philippines, trying to get her surgery scheduled. Since our insurance isn’t going to cover any of it, we have been going around scraping to see where we are going to find the money. I applied for a loan with one of the local banks, and we are still awaiting word on whether or not that loan is going to be approved. My wife has also been looking around to see if she can find some money there as well.

Because of this, the wife has been stressing out pretty badly, and this stress has configured itself into our relationship. It used to be that we would have nice, pleasant phone conversations. Lately, she has been curt and almost unkind to me. I understand that she’s stressing, from the surgery issue, and other things, and I’m trying to be patient and understanding and do everything possible to relieve some of that stress.

The events of Monday night changed our focus completely and took things to a completely darker, evil level.

Around 8:30 Monday evening, a van pulled up in front of my brother-in-laws house, which is right next door to my mother-in-laws place. Four heavily armed men jumped out of the van, located my brother-in-law, put him in the van, and rolled away. While they were grabbing him up, some of their party pointed guns at various family members and told them to stay back.

As the van rolled away, my sister-in-law was able to get the license plate number of the van. They immediately reported what happened to the local police, the city government, and basically anyone who would listen. In the first 24 hours that he was gone, the family did everything possible, to include making posters and hanging them everywhere. Basically no one in the family slept for 24 hours, desperate to find out anything. My mother-in-law, who always viewed this son in particular as her favorite, nearly lost it completely, and had to be comforted throughout the night to remain calm.

It turns out that the van he was taken away in was stolen from a province in the northern part of Luzon. Other than that, there has been no news from any government agency. Discreet inquiries have also been made with those associated with the local criminal element, and they too have no knowledge of what happened to him.

On Wednesday, my wife and her sister contacted the local TV and newspapers as well as ABS-CBN, one of the largest TV networks in the Philippines, telling the story, hoping that they would get the word out about what happened.

It has been 72 hours since he was taken away, and so far, nothing. No word from the people who took him, and no word from the police on anything they have found out. As much as I hope he’s OK, at this point I’m afraid that he’s probably dead. It’s not like a kidnapping, where a monetary demand is made for the return of someone. My brother-in-law is poor, as is most of the family, so there really is no money to be had. It’s pretty much common knowledge there that I am what could be considered a lower middle class white guy, so I don’t have any money either.

What I am thinking is that he did something that pissed someone off so badly that they took him. A debt that no one else in the family knows about or maybe he slept with someone’s wife and the guy found out. Either way, it’s unusual even for central Luzon that something like this would happen. Usually, if you screwed someone over with a debt or sleeping with the wrong person, they just shoot you in the street or do a drive-by at your home. No, this is something totally different and more ominous.

Needless to say, my wife’s stress level is completely off the charts. I have been trying to be supportive and encouraging, but she’s definitely feeling the strain, and our conversations are usually very brief. She doesn’t have time to deal with me, and I’m trying hard to stay out of her way.

I hope that whoever took my brother-in-law brings him back in one piece, or even back a little beat up. It would be a far better thing than for him to just disappear off the earth. He has two daughters that definitely need their father back.

Sometimes when you think that shit is really bad, it gets worse.

Notes From The Guam Desk

2010-03-22T18:51:00.000+10:00

Thoughts and observations on the human condition as seen from The Guam Desk…………..

-We all have those days at work that we really don’t feel like doing anything productive. We’re still going to draw a paycheck, but we’re going to do as little as possible if we can get away with it. There are also those days when you go to work and really feel productive, feel like you want to accomplish something, make a difference, actually earn your money. Today was one of the latter for me.

Even though I worked most of Sunday, I went to work this morning with the mindset that I wanted to get shit done. It turns out that I did get a lot accomplished today, and by the time I drove home, I felt really good about myself. I can look at that face in the mirror knowing that I put forth my best effort in everything I tried to do. Progress was made, projects got completed, problems got solved. I feel almost justified, and if my bosses don’t appreciate the effort, then that’s their problem.

-I walked into a conversation the other day where one of my male coworkers was talking about his “inner female voice”. This got me thinking that maybe I my own self have an inner female voice. The problem is that I can’t really hear her because she’s a nymphomaniac lesbian.

-There are two truths to anyone who lives on Guam and drives a Lexus SUV on a regular basis. Truth #1 is that they have some serious coin to purchase and then fill with gas one of these beasts. Truth #2 is that every single person who operates said vehicle will invariably drive it like a retard on downers. If you happen to be driving on this fair island and get stuck behind one, a word of advice: change lanes immediately. In fact, you may want to consider taking an alternate route to save yourself some frustration.

-Every once in a while, I start to gain more faith in humanity as a whole. Someone will do something that is unexpected in a good way, and I’ll start to think that maybe my cynicism might not be justifiable. Just as soon as this happens, however, someone will come along and ruthlessly crush said faith.

-A lot of people get sucked into this thing called “March Madness”, also known as the NCAA Basketball Tournament. A lot of them are sucked in because they have made more than a few wagers on this tournament. I personally don’t enjoy watching basketball at any level, so I pretty much ignore ESPN unless it’s hockey related, which is rare.

-Homemade spaghetti can be a wonderful thing. I made a big pot of it last night, and even took some with me to work today for lunch. It’s invariably better the second day than it is when you first make it. My problem is that I always make too much, and I’m sure that by the time Thursday rolls around and I’m still looking at a big bowlful of the stuff, I will be sick of it.

For now, in the words of the late Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, that is all ye know and all ye need to know.

Gibberish and Brain Farts

2010-03-18T20:18:00.000+10:00

Another day in this beautiful place we call Guam, “Where America’s Day Begins”.

-One of the hot, important, pressing issues facing our beloved Legislature this week was the name of the island. Some folks have proposed that the island be renamed back to its old Chamorro name, which I believe is Guhan or Guahan. I don’t know what it is and to be honest I could give a shit. I just find it funny that the Leg has time to debate this trivial nonsense, like there aren’t more pressing issues that they could be discussing. There are real problems here, from infrastructure issues to the proposed military buildup, but they have to waste time on this. Yeah, we have a great government here on Guam. Like someone once said, the politicians should be required to wear the same kind of uniforms that NASCAR drivers wear; that way you could tell who bought and paid for them.

-As I was standing in the rain working at one of our cell sites this morning, one of my friends called me wanting to chat. Since he and I both have tendencies to be Full Bore Assholes from time to time, it was a nice chat and set the tone for the entire day. The main reason for the call was that he was looking for a piece of test equipment, which I happened to have in my hand at that moment, but it turned into one of our usual conversations about the state of our employer. He also reminded me that, since our supervisor was unceremoniously canned a few weeks ago, we really have no boss right now. It’s not like our old supervisor did a lot of “do this, do that” stuff, because she knew that we knew what needed to be done and did it without a lot of input from her anyway. Just seems weird to not have a boss.

-I’ve come to the realization that the only good reason to watch CNN anymore is because some of their newscasters are beautiful women, which I fully support. There is no good news anymore, and hasn’t been for about 20 years. Mostly I just tune in to see who in government slept with someone or something they shouldn’t have. Why bother with standup comedians when we have an entire Congress filled with them?

-It only takes one quick look in my refrigerator to realize that, if told I had to go on a vegan diet, I would probably die. It’s a little known fact that vegetables scream horribly when cooked or eaten raw, it’s just that human hearing can’t identify the noise. They suffer terribly, and salad bars in particular are the modern day equivalent of The Killing Fields. Potatoes and rice also react horribly to being devoured, but I’m basically immune to their suffering. Once again, let me remind all who are reading this that Pigs Are Tasty Animals. I’m already thawing out the sausage I intend on devouring tomorrow morning to accompany the biscuits that I normally eat for breakfast. There is also some bacon in there somewhere that won’t make it through the weekend either.

-A great but short talk with my incredible daughter today. She just wanted to touch base and attempt to get my granddaughter to say hi to me. Instead, the grand decided that the moment was right for a screaming fit, because Mommy would not allow her to climb all over the furniture. The grand is now 14 months old, and I was reminded how much fun kids are at that age. Everything is new to them, and they also want to see how much they can get away with. From the sound of it, my daughter is an awesome mother, and that makes me happy. I knew she would be, and she’s proving me right at every turn.

-The wife is still in the PI and we are still dealing with some financial issues relating to her health care. When we spoke earlier today, she and her family are in the process of getting ready for the local fiesta, which means cooking a ton of food. Looking now at mid-April before she’s back on island. Needless to say, I miss her a lot.

Winning the lottery tonight, even if only 4 figures, would solve a lot of problems. Just saying.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
“I’ve had a wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”-Groucho Marx

Part and Parcel

2010-03-16T19:42:00.000+10:00

Some more gibberish, just for the sheer hell of it…………..

-There are days when you get up out of bed and really don’t feel like going to work. That inner voice inside your head tells you to crawl back into bed and spend the day there, with occasional trips to the bathroom and the kitchen to meet the biological needs of the body. Today was one of those days for me. Naturally, I ignored that inner voice and came to work anyway, early in fact.

-There is one person in my company who, if asked the secret of their success, should answer it this way. “Nepotism and fellatio. My cousin’s brother-in-law’s aunt’s second cousin knows someone high up in the company. My son also goes to the same school as the CEO’s kids do. That and that fact that I lost my gag reflex a long time ago. Sometimes, you have to suck a lot of cock to get ahead, but the trick is to suck the right cock. I’ve done that and more. Knee pads and Altoids also help.” Of course, this person would lie and say something about hard work and determination, but the truth is nepotism and fellatio are the real reasons. While I normally don’t try to hate anyone, karma being what it is, it’s really hard not to loathe this person. The person in question is also a racist (hates white people unless you’re an executive) and an utter swine.

-Every once in a while, I wear a wristband at work that wraps around my thumb and holds the wrist secure. Sometimes my wrist and the area around my thumb hurts, and the wristband helps a little bit with the pain. Part of getting older, I guess. Naturally, I get shit about it at work by my coworkers, the usual accusation being that I masturbate too much. Yes, we eat our own where I work, but in a good way. If they weren’t giving me shit, then something would be wrong. Of course, I give just as good as I get, which is why they feel it’s OK to do it.

-The Gorgeous One and I are still having issues with her medical treatment in the Philippines. Since the doctor in Manila screwed us over with the insurance company, she has taken all of the test results to see a doctor closer to her family home in the hope that this doctor can take care of what needs to be taken care of without costing us a fortune. The wife visited her yesterday, and this doctor said she cannot do the surgery due to none of the hospitals in that area being equipped to do the surgery. This doctor has now referred The Gorgeous One to another specialist, but the bottom line is that the surgery will have to be performed in Manila anyway, just not at the hospital we originally went to. Since we have no money to pay for a huge hospital bill, my wife is borrowing the money from her family. This hurts my pride pretty badly, because I want very desperately to be able to meet all of my wife’s needs without having to go to anyone for help. Because of the divorce, my credit sucks, so borrowing money is kind of out of the question.

-This afternoon was just fun. For those of us who do what I do for a living, there is nothing more challenging and enjoyable than wrapping your head around a technical issue and trying to figure it out. Troubleshooting and fault isolation can be hard on some people, but I love it. The reward is when you do figure it out and whatever it is that you’re working on starts to work the way it should. Forget about thank-yous from coworkers or bosses; the joy is in the doing.

Other that that, it’s a beautiful day here on the island of Guam, where the women are strong, the men good looking, and the children are all above average.

Racism in the Marianas

2010-03-16T19:39:00.000+10:00

This has been on my mind for a long time, and I think it’s finally time to get it out and get it said.

Anyone who believes that there is no racism here on Guam is living in denial. It’s sad to say that in the Year of Our Lord 2010 that racism is still prevalent, but it’s unfortunately true. A person doesn’t have to look very hard at all to see it.

Stereotypes abound here and are frequently used. Chamorro’s are thought to be fat and lazy food stamp recipients. Chuukese are all criminals. Chinese are viewed as sneaky and thieves. White people are all rich. Filipino’s are lazy. Japanese tourists are viewed as living breathing ATM machines. Koreans own all the small businesses and are only interested in money.

I’m not saying that everyone has these views. For the most part, people get along fairly well with each other, tolerating the faults of others. But, with that said, it’s not hard to see the racism that hovers underneath the surface. All that one has to do is listen and watch, and it’s easy to see.

I my own self have been a victim of racism, on many occasions. In once instance, I was in a local hardware store picking up a few things, when a woman approached me, telling me that she was having problems with her car and needed some help. I told her that I’m not very mechanically inclined but I would be willing to help. She then told me that, no, she didn’t need a mechanic, but needed money for gas. The fact that I was standing amongst a Chamorro man and a Filipino, and she failed to ask either one of these guys is something that I brought up with the woman. She replied, “Well, you’re white. You have money.” Like there is no such thing as working class white people on the island, and we all are loaded down with cash that we must immediately get rid of because of White Guilt.

Unfortunately, one of those instances happened in my workplace. I was undergoing some mandatory training at our corporate HQ, sitting in a room with about 20 other people. The table I was sitting at contained 3 white guys and 2 Filipino’s, all of us from the same department. We were all talking quietly amongst ourselves before the training started, the usual kind of conversation that happens amongst friends, cheerful, relaxed. No one was getting belligerent or loud, and no one was doing anything wrong. The next day, an email goes out from my supervisor, telling the three white guys who were at that table that the CEO was furious with us and that we had embarrassed the entire department. She had been told by someone higher up that we had gotten loud and disruptive at the training and had used obscene and profane language. Of course, none of this was true, and the fact that the two Filipino’s who were sitting at the same table weren’t mentioned at all, only the three white boys who happened to be in the room. In fact, when this was mentioned to some of the other people who were in attendance, they all said that same thing, that they didn’t remember any disturbance or bad language at all. The fact was and is that the person who raised the complaint happened to be a senior person in the company who hates white people (at least that’s the perception I have gotten).

These are just two of many examples of racially related shit I have dealt with. While these are small, they still happened and still happen at least once a month. You try to believe that the things aren’t racially motivated, but sometimes there is no denying it. I’ve always thought that people sometimes play the race card too eagerly, but sometimes there is no other explanation.

Since I have friends of all different races, I have heard the complaints before about others. I have a Chamorro friend who once told me that some of the people from the smaller islands like Chuuk and Truk act as if they crawled out of the trees last week. A couple of my Filipino friends have talked badly about the Chinese workers. Koreans talking bad about the Chinese. One group can always find something bad about another group if they try hard enough.

I’m not going to say that there aren’t white people who have negative views about others here, because I’ve heard it come from their mouths as well. In fact, I have yet to encounter one ethnic group that doesn’t have members that won’t trash talk another group.

What I am saying is that I know what it feels like to be in the minority and to be prejudiced against because of my skin color. Unlike others, I’m not so fast to play the race card unless there is no other choice but to play it, and every time I bring it up it’s with great trepidation.

It is my contention that judging anyone by the color of their skin or where they were born is the stupidest way to judge anyone. You have to take people one at a time, as individuals, and not lump a group all in one pile. The fact is that there are both assholes and good people in all ethnic groups, and most people that fit somewhere in the middle.

Yes, racism is still alive and well, and won’t die the death it’s so desperately entitled to.

The Pipe Dream

2010-03-11T19:25:00.000+10:00

I think we all have, at one point or another, had “The Lottery Pipe Dream”. That dream that crosses our minds every single time we line up to buy a lottery ticket, considering what we would do if we hit the big one. I my own self had those same thoughts tonight as I stopped by the local grocery store to buy my ticket for Saturday nights draw.

By no means am I greedy. A million five would cover all of my desires fairly well. It would start off with a trust fund for my granddaughter, so that college would be paid for before she enters kindergarten. My lovely daughter would also get a hefty sum to use in whatever way she wanted, along with the usual new car and other stuff. This would all take place within the first 48 hours of me taking custody of the cash lump. The ex-wife would also get a deal as well; 5 years of spousal support in advance, in cash, and we call it good. I don’t have to do this, but it just feels like the right thing to do.

By then, the small amount of stuff I have here on Guam that I would want to keep would be on its way to the Philippines. Stop by the office on the way to the airport to say goodbye to friends and to turn in my resignation. The thought of walking in to one of the managers offices, handing him my resignation, then taking a dump on his desk is intriguing, but probably won’t happen. Although it’s a nice thought, even I can’t be that big of an asshole.

The wife and I would then be doing some traveling, to Texas to meet my granddaughter and son-in-law, hang out for a week or so and let everyone get acquainted. A quick side trip to Missouri so that The Gorgeous One can meet the rest of my family, and for me to take care of a couple of things there. A few days after that, on to Colorado for some back porch time at my dad’s house, and to pay off his mortgage.

Of course, none of this travel would be in coach. No, those days would be over and done with, thank you ever so much. The Gorgeous One and I will be riding up front, the cabin crew doing their level best to meet our every need and kissing our asses. From Denver, we wing our way across the Pacific to Manila, to kick start the rest of our lives.

In my mind, I picture a piece of land on a hilltop just on the outskirts of Olongopo. This is where we will build our house, with enough land surrounding it to be comfortable and not have to worry about the neighbors. A decent view of Subic Bay, with some fruit trees on the property and room for a garden. Close enough to the in-laws that they can come visit every now and then, far enough away so that they have to make a little bit of an effort to do so. I love my in-laws, but I also love my privacy.

The nephews and nieces get their high school paid for. We start a couple of small businesses in the Subic Industrial Zone, nothing crazy, but big enough to generate income well into our retirement years. Just enough stuff to give me something to do without being required to really do anything. Let The Gorgeous One indulge in some spoilage of her own. My wife is one of those people who almost never buys anything for herself, so I will be forced to lavish some stuff on her.

After that, it’s pretty simple. Enjoy the quiet life, with as little stress as possible. Live modestly, but by the same token, not having to clip coupons or look in the marked down section at the grocery store. The spare time would be spent on writing the couple of books I have running around in my head and hanging out with the wife and having some more kids.

Like I said, nothing lavish or overblown. A simple life, all our basic needs and desires taken care of, with ample cash put away for emergencies and those times we get the urge to get on a plane and go to Oktoberfest in Munchen or the ice festival in Sapporo.

It’s a pipe dream, but when we stop dreaming, we start dying. Dreams give us something to hope for, and without hope, however slim, we have nothing.

To Coin a Phrase

2010-03-10T20:39:00.000+10:00

Every so often, I’ll hear or remember a phrase that stops me dead in my tracks. Sometimes, it will be a phrase that I’ve heard countless times, but for some reason takes on a new meaning or makes me expend some of my limited brain power to examine a little closer.

Take the phrase “hopeless romantic” for example. We’ve all heard it a million times, on TV, in movies, and in our day to day lives. “Oh, never mind her. She’s a hopeless romantic.” To me, it seems that this phrase contradicts itself. I think there is never any hopelessness in romance. On the contrary, there are times when romantic feelings help us to renew our sense of faith in humanity when we’ve lost it. When it seems that everyone in the world is lining up to shit all over us, a simple romantic gesture can turn the tide of negativity into something positive and meaningful.

I’ve always been a romantic at heart, and I hope I never lose that feeling. Of wanting to surprise my wife with flowers, for no reason. “Why the flowers babe?” “Just because, sweetheart”. Reminding her often that I think she’s the most beautiful woman on the planet, even if she doesn’t believe it to be the case. Leaving little notes on the kitchen table before I leave for work, just to tell her to have a great day.

Romance isn’t dead. Sometimes it may be lying dormant, but it’s still very much alive and well, and still filled with hope.

++++++++

“Common courtesy” is another one of those sets of words that seem to be out of place with each other. Like they don’t belong together. In this day and age, there isn’t anything common about courtesy. Addressing people as “ma’am” or “sir”. Holding a door open for a woman or an older person. Helping someone carry a heavy load of groceries up a flight of stairs. There are, in fact, a lot of people walking about using up oxygen who have no clue how to go about treating others with simple basic human respect and dignity.

A few years back, I was in the market for a new computer while visiting my parents in Denver. The first store I went to, the salesman kept addressing me as “dude”, and treating me like I was some kind of joke, which I found offensive. The next store I visited, I was addressed as “sir” and treated like I was someone of importance, someone worth investing some time in. A salesman who listened to what I had to say, and went out of his way to find the solution I was looking for. Not only did I buy the new computer at the second store along with a bunch of other stuff, I also found the salesman’s boss and told him I thought his guy was an incredible salesman who knew his job really well.

No kids, courtesy is not common, not by a damn sight. It seems to be that this world would be a much better place to be if we all tried a little bit harder to treat everyone else a little better. Sometimes it’s difficult, but in the end it’s worth it. It’s really hard to be nice to people that you really don’t like, but most of the time I think it’s worth the investment. I sometimes struggle with this, especially with those who I have no use for, but it’s one of those things I at least try to work on.

For some reason, these two phrases kind of registered in my brain today, and gave my noggin something to chew on when it wasn’t occupied with work and the other stuff going on in my head. It’s as if my psyche was telling me “forget about the work and your troubles for a few moments, and think about this”. Sort of a mini vacation for the brain, letting the intellectual side focus on something different.

Weird how the brain works – at least how mine’s been working lately. And with that said, being that I’m a public service kinda guy, here’s a phrase that you your own self can chew on for a while. I saw it as graffiti painted on a wall today, and it literally stopped me in my tracks.

“We’re All Fucked Up. Some of Us Just Manage It Better Than Others”
Let your gray matter deal with that for a few moments today.

The Shitstorm Cometh

2010-03-09T19:44:00.000+10:00

“When the Going Gets Weird, the Weird Turn Pro” – Hunter S. Thompson

If the last 48 hours are any indication of how weird this week is going to be, then boys and girls, I am in for a world of shit.

When I left for work Monday morning, I knew for a fact that it was going to be a busy day. Lots of little projects on my plate, and the day didn’t disappoint. I also knew that I would be coming in later that night to do some work I had scheduled about a week in advance. In the Communications Bidness, we have what are known as “maintenance hours” when we are actually authorized to do preventive maintenance and network changes that would normally affect a lot of customers.

Knowing that I was going back to work a mere 5 hours after I left, I tried to get some rest when I got home. Rest wouldn’t come for some reason, and I ended up watching TV and eating junk food until it was time to go back to work. The work I had scheduled was routine, firmware upgrades on some of the equipment scattered throughout our various communications sites. At first, it started off routine, easy, predictable. Around 1:30 AM, I was thrown a serious curve, and had to go out to one of our relay sites to do some hands on work. There’s nothing like crawling around atop a 14 story building at 2 AM in the rain to put a damper on a guy’s mood. I finished that little piece of work with no problem and went back to my office to continue with the project.

Around 5 AM, another snag with some equipment located a good distance from my office. It was working, but it wasn’t working the way it should. Since everything else was done, I packed my stuff and headed down to the site in question. This time, I’m standing around in kind of a lonely place, opening up an equipment cabinet and getting my laptop out and ready to do some troubleshooting. Naturally, it starts to rain again, and now I’m tired, wet, and a little pissed off. I had also slipped on some wet grass and landed on my ass. Now add muddy to the equation. After an hour, I realize that I can’t fix it before everything has to be buttoned up and back on the air, so I pack my shit and head home, stopping by McDonalds to grab one of their famous greasy $1 breakfast sammiches. Inhale the greasy goodness, a quick shower and in bed. The plan is to grab 4 or 5 hours of sleep, then back to the office. More shit that has to be dealt with, in an attempt to keep a certain Oriental gentleman from crying like a 4 year old girl with a skinned knee.

At 8:30, as I am just getting to sleep, the phone rings. Someone asking me a routine question that could have waited 5 hours. Two minutes later, another phone call, same person, another question. Five minutes later, another asshole, another question. I finally get to sleep, but wake up at 10:30. Grab something to drink, throw some clothes on, and back to work.

A couple of hours later, the wife calls me from the Philippines. There is a problem with the insurance company and the surgery that she is supposed to have this week. Now the insurance company is telling us, because of the nature of the surgery, they won’t cover it, and we have to find a way to shit $5K to pay for it. Money that we really, really don’t have. I send emails and make phone calls, and the results are still the same. The Gorgeous One’s doctor has already talked to the insurance assholes, and they are standing firm. I feel like a real dirtbag asshole that I don’t have the cash or credit to pay for the surgery, which my wife needs. While it’s not life threatening, she needs the surgery to improve her quality of life. I can’t shake the feeling that I am letting her down and disappointing the woman I love so very much.

A couple more phone calls with the wife, and she starts discussing options. She plans on visiting a doctor at a hospital closer to her village to see if she can have the same surgery done there at a less expensive hospital. Same level of medical care, less cost. My darling wife is noticeably tired, has a headache, and is very frustrated. In the last 24 hours, she also had to take her sister to the emergency room, and spent the night with her in the hospital.

As I sit here in my living room in front of this keyboard, I just have to wonder, what the hell is next? What part of life is going to throw us another curve this week? What karmatic event is going to shit all over me? Maybe I’m just overtired and a little frustrated. Maybe I should just have a couple of beers and take my ass to bed and see about getting 6 or 7 hours of sleep.

Who knows, maybe it will all look a little brighter tomorrow morning. I have some serious doubts about that, but who knows?

Miscellaneous Thoughts on the Human Condition

2010-02-28T06:32:00.000+10:00

More unconnected thoughts on the human condition and life in general, from where I’m sitting.

-We had a tsunami warning yesterday because of the earthquake in Chile. It reminded me of something funny that I saw on my last trip to the southern end of the island. We have signs all over the island that point to the tsunami evacuation route you’re supposed to take if one comes close. There’s one of these signs down near Inarajan that points directly to the ocean. Ok, it’s not “ha ha funny”, but I found it amusing.

-If anyone needs a really good hard laugh, take yourself to your local video store and rent Wanda Sykes: I’ma Be Me as soon as possible. The language may be a little rough for some people, but for 90 minutes I laughed my ass off.

-I was in the grocery yesterday picking up a few things when I noticed something. I didn’t realize that they still made (and still sold) Nighttrain wine. For those of you unfamiliar with it, its wine whose primary market is bums, winos, and alcoholics on a budget. Seriously nasty stuff, like fruit flavored lighter fluid. I didn’t realize there was still a market for it, but apparently there is.

-At the company I work for, the HR department blasts out an email to all hands whenever someone leaves the company, gets fired or just quits. In the last 3 weeks, at least 7 people have left either voluntarily or involuntarily, including my supervisor. Considering the small size of our company, that seems like a lot to me, and it’s a little disconcerting.

-Why is it that almost everyone who owns a Lexus SUV on this island drives it like they’re both drunk and has a learning disability? They all seem to want to drive at least 10 MPH below the already too low speed limit, in the passing lane. None of them seem to feel the need to signal lane changes, wanting those following behind them to just guess what their intentions are. Having money does not necessarily equate to having intelligence.

-I find it odd that I’m a picky eater who enjoys watching Food Network so much. Watching people prepare food that I my own self would never in a million years actually eat. Nigella Lawson (seriously beautiful English woman), Alton Brown (massively cool nerd) and Duff Goldman (politically incorrect baker) are my favorites. Iron Chef America is must-see TV in my house, along with Good Eats. The ones I don’t like are The Barefoot Contessa (too Caucasian), Rachel Ray (too perky and irritating) and Bobby Flay (asshole).

-It’s sad to actually say this, but it’s true. Anyone who does not believe that racism is alive and well here on Guam is blind to it. Even more so, but to a smaller extent, in the company I work for. I will expound on this subject a little more in depth in a future blog.

-The place where I go to wash clothes is a great place to people watch. Nothing like observing people going about a banal, boring, but quite necessary task. Besides, there’s really nothing better to do while you’re washing your drawers if you forgot to bring a book, like I normally do. Every once in a while, there’s also an opportunity to have some interesting conversations as well.

-It might be a good thing that my wife is still in the Philippines. If she saw the condition of our apartment, she would probably kick my ass. I’m not saying it’s horribly filthy dirty, but by Wife Standards, it would not please her. I might have to break out the cleaning supplies and give the place the once-over today.

More later. Breakfast awaits, and I have to shoot at the Boonie Hens again.

The Talkative Lola

2010-02-25T18:57:00.000+10:00

When I first started going to the Philippines a few years back, I met a lady that my wife and I refer to as “The Talkative Lola”. Lola in Tagalog means grandmother, and at the time I met her, she was about 78 years old.

We called her the Talkative Lola because as she would walk past my wife’s house, she would always stop and have a chat, lasting at a minimum 30 minutes. When I was there, it was usually an hour. While her English wasn’t perfect, I understood her well enough to carry on a conversation.

In this place that’s slightly less Catholic than, say, Vatican City, this woman was Super Catholic. Mass every Sunday, a picture of the Virgin Mary in her house, prayer cards. I understood that, and I understood how she acted when she found out that I was a Protestant. I’m not saying she treated me any differently than anyone else. Quite the opposite actually. She would always make a point in telling me that Protestants and Catholics were basically the same, worshipping the same God. She also let me know that in her life she had had many Protestant friends, saying this in the way that white people used to talk in the 60’s and 70’s about other minority groups. “Oh, I have quite a few (insert name of minority group) who are good friends.”

When I was there and would attend Mass with the wife and her family, the Talkative Lola made it a point of bringing me to the priest to get a blessing and say something along the lines of, “he’s a Protestant, but really a good guy.” The priest would smile, and I would smile and laugh a little bit. I found all of this both touching and funny at the same time.

When my wife and I went back there a few weeks ago, the Talkative Lola had been quite ill and in the hospital. After we arrived, we found out that her body was failing her and she didn’t have long left on this earth. Instead of letting her stay in the hospital, away from family and friends and racking up medical bills at $1500 a day, she told her family that she wanted to go home. I had a chance to visit with her one evening while I was there. At that point, her kidneys had stopped working, she couldn’t speak, and couldn’t keep anything but baby formula down. I talked to her for a moment, smiled at her, and then got out of the way of the other 100 or so people crammed into the small house.

This past Monday, she passed away at the age of 83. My wife and I talked about her situation a lot, and both agreed that the way she was doing it, by coming home, was the right thing to do. At that age and the condition she was in, there really wasn’t much the doctors could do for her anyway. We both agreed that 83 is a good long life, and she should spend her last moments on Earth with those who love her.

I know very little about the woman, all in all. I know that she was a devout Catholic, that she loved her family, and had a great sense of humor, and could talk a blue streak when she felt like it. It’s amazing sometimes the way that people make an impact on your life and the fact that while you may know very little about them, they still hold a place somewhere near your heart.

I hope that she finds peace in whatever comes after this.

The Weirdness Never Ends

2010-02-24T19:39:00.000+10:00

Something happened at work yesterday that hit home for me pretty hard. In fact, it hurt, although I kind-of sort-of knew it was coming in one form or the other. It was one of those things that was inevitable, but the way it happened really upset me a lot.

For the last three years, I have worked for a woman who was and is far beyond a supervisor. She’s a friend, who I just happened to work for. We had a relationship where she would and did bust me in my ass when I screwed up, and 30 minutes later we would be laughing about something. To say that I love her like a slightly older sister is a gross understatement. She is one of those rare people that I’ve come across in life who I would do anything for, no matter what it was. When my wife first arrived on island, the two of them met the first day that my wife was here. My friend didn’t say a word, but reached out and hugged my wife, letting her know in this simple gesture that she was happy to meet her and that she’s family.

Tuesday morning, my boss was summoned to Corporate HQ and fired. Well, not exactly fired. It seems that the people she met with didn’t actually have the guts to tell her to her face that she was fired. What they did was tell her that it would be best if she quit. When she refused, they told her that she was being let go. They handed her the paycheck they owed her, escorted her over to her office, watched her pack her stuff.

This is a woman who gave her heart and soul to the company, gave more of herself than any other person I have ever worked for, and they put her on the streets like yesterday’s garbage.

In the past 24 hours, I have heard the reason that she was fired, and still can’t wrap my head around it. It seems that she was in a meeting with two other people from my department and two from another department. During this meeting, she had a phone conversation with someone else in the company, a call that so enraged her that once it was over, she threw her phone down on the floor in disgust. She was let go because of “violence”; to wit, because she threw her phone down. Apparently one of the people in this meeting felt threatened by the “violence of the act” and complained to someone in senior management.

No, I am not joking. She was let go because of violence. This is so strange that I still can’t understand it.

The bottom line is this. The company that I work for has lost a manager who was great with people, a superb technician, a telecommunications professional who is simply one of the best. I have lost someone who I work with that I felt unafraid to bounce ideas off of, someone who I trust implicitly. We still are and I hope always will remain friends, but it sucks that she will no longer be there at work, to share laughs, talk trash, and sneak in some fun amidst the chaos that our company seems to relish.

Of all the bad days I have had at work, yesterday was easily the worst.

Brain Farts from the Guam Desk

2010-02-19T20:02:00.000+10:00

Random observations for this lovely Friday night.

-I rarely watch the local news here on Guam, because it’s basically all the same bullshit. Some politician has his panties in an uproar over something, and ends up looking like an idiot. Tonight, it was Senator Ben Pangelinan’s turn to look like someone shit in his cereal. I wasn’t really paying attention because I was trying to cook dinner, but anytime a politician here opens his/her mouth, you can expect either whining, bullshit, or all of the above. The grimaces and shouting during a televised hearing were all you needed to know to tell that the good Senator was Not Happy.

-I don’t hate all politicians. Just most of them.

-For those of you unfamiliar with Life on Guam, the soap opera story of JFK High School continues on. JFK is located across the street from Kmart, and was condemned a few years ago because it was/is in such horrible condition that it wasn’t/isn’t safe for students to go there. It’s been over two years, and basically nothing has been done about rebuilding or renovating the school. Another hearing about it today, and surprise surprise, nothing got accomplished. I’m on the unpopular side of the issue, because I think they should burn it to the ground and build something useful there, like a Walmart or a Sam’s Club or a Best Buy. Obviously, Government of Guam is too screwed up to actually take any action to resolve the situation. Why not just tear it down and offer this prime piece of real estate to someone who can build something that would actually benefit the people who live here? I have $5 that says it will be at least two years more before anything happens on this issue. A Walmart with an Arby’s on the side would be ideal.

-All smokers know that the best cigarettes a person can have are the ones while taking a dump and immediately after sex. Sadly, the only place a person can smoke and shit at the same time is in the privacy of their own home.

-Had my annual performance appraisal today. It was what I expected before I entered the room and my supervisor made it as pleasant an experience as these things can be. Usually, getting your performance evaluation isn’t fun but it’s a part of the job. My boss tries hard to keep it light and does a good job at it. Basically it was “You’re doing well. A couple of small things you can work on. You’re a valuable part of the team. Keep doing well.” In and out in 15 minutes.

-Sometimes, the simple pleasures in life can be really cool if we just take a few minutes to appreciate them. I was driving to work this morning and had some Allman Brothers playing in the car stereo blasting out some “Jessica”, almost no one on the road and Hagatna Bay in the windshield. I thought for a moment that this was just about the perfect way to start the day.

More later, gotta watch Iron Chef America.

The Boonie Hen Dilemma

2010-02-16T19:20:00.000+10:00

Those of you who don’t live here on the lovely island of Guam may not be familiar with the concept of boonie hens. I would like to take a moment to explain exactly what they are and what my problem is with them.

Boonie hens are in fact wild chickens, belonging to no one in particular. They roam the island, going wherever they want, usually unbothered by most of the population. The only place where there doesn’t seem to be preponderance of boonie hens is in the tourist areas in Tumon, where all the hotels are at. Every place else on the island, you can hear roosters crowing.

Where I live, they roam through the backyard of my apartment building, and in the evening, roost in the mango trees outside my lanai (yes, they can fly but not far). The Gorgeous One (my wife) has no problems with them because every now and then they will lay eggs on our lanai and she eagerly scoops them up. Fresh eggs are fresh eggs, and free ones are even better, according to her.

My problem is the noise. When I get home after a hard day of toil, I don’t want to hear all of the crowing, especially when the bastards are settling in for the night. Sometimes they make a LOT OF NOISE. The roosters also feel that between the hours of 4-6 AM is a fine time to crow. For a person who is a Chronic Insomniac who values his sleep, this is Not A Good Thing.

I made a casual reference to this problem to my supervisor one day as we were taking a smoke and coffee break. Her answer was pretty simple. “Get yourself a BB gun”, she told me. Since my supervisor is one of those tree hugging animal lovers who regularly volunteers at a local animal shelter and loves all kinds of creatures, I found this answer, coming from her, a little shocking. Seeing the disbelief on my face, she elaborated. “They’re boonie hens. No one will care. Think of them as rats. Just shoot ‘em”. A trip to Kmart and the expenditure of $15 and I was set.

The first night I had the BB gun, it was as if the hens sensed that trouble had come to town, because that evening they decided to be very quiet. A good thing, since I was prepared to kick chicken butt. Alas, the peace would not last long, because the next night, after walking into the apartment with my ass dragging, there arose a serious ruckus from the lanai. Not one but three roosters were raising holy hell out there, and I wasn’t having it.

Grabbing up my trusty Crossman, I headed for the lanai. The first rooster was in the mango tree closest to our lanai, a distance of maybe 10 feet. Now, I can be an asshole whenever I want, but for some reason I didn’t want to kill these birds. Just merely hurry them along to somewhere else. With that in mind, I took aim and shot the first rooster dead in the ass. The BB found its mark, and the bird went apeshit crazy trying to get out of that tree, basically losing its mind. Reload and the next target of opportunity gets a round in its ass. More serious noise as the hens bailed out of those trees. Within 5 minutes, peace and quiet that lasts for maybe 30 seconds.

This time, the noise is coming from The Gorgeous One, who at this moment is not amused. She gets a little mad at me, telling me that the birds are only doing what nature intended them to do. My counterargument is that I have no problem with them doing what comes naturally, as long as they do it Somewhere Else.

Every once in a while I have to remind the birds that the mango trees are Off Limits. Let’s face it, chickens are some of the dumbest animals God ever put on this earth, with a limited amount of short term memory. They eat their own feces and are a pain in the ass. Once in a while, the brutes need to be reminded that there is evil lurking behind the screen door. Marlin Perkins I ain’t, and BB’s are cheap. The only good chicken is one roasted over a fire or deep fried.

Screw it – we can buy eggs. Peace and quiet is priceless.

The Legend of the OB Patrol

2010-02-15T21:39:00.001+10:00

Sometimes, it’s amazing what memories the mind will present themselves in the foreground of our consciousness. After a lot of years have gone by, I started thinking about a group that I used to be a member of that was very special to me for a lot of different reasons. In that light, let’s take a short trip back through time and visit with some very special people I used to know.

A long time ago (mid 80’s), in a land far, far away (Korea), there were four friends named Bruce, Mike, Wendy, and Troy. These four individuals worked in the same place, and lived in the same barracks. All four were of a certain age, and all were good at their jobs. When they weren’t hard at work defending freedom in the Republic of Korea, they formed the core of an elite drinking unit not often seen in the history of humanity. Collectively, they were known as De Paw or The OB Patrol.

These four shared similar tastes in music and fun, and if you saw one of them, you generally saw all of them. When they were not occupying their normal seats in the infamous and now defunct OB Club, they were out and about terrorizing other bars in the Taegu metropolitan area. They drank like fishes, stayed out until the wee hours of the morning, and laughed constantly. The humor was never what anyone would call politically correct, although none of it was ever vicious.

Each of these individuals was a little different than the others, but in spite of those differences, they formed a friendship, a bond, that some people failed to understand. Their First Sergeant was both amused and annoyed by their antics, although deep down he knew that the mischief they caused was merely harmless fun. The trouble they caused was never serious, and they always kept him guessing about what they would do next.

The night when Troy was on Charge of Quarters and had to bail the other three out of jail for taunting the military police with calls of “Book ‘em Danno” as they charged out the gates swinging open bottles of whiskey. The Halloween when Mike and Troy, after getting thrown out of the Hollywood Club, stole every single beer glass the club owned out of their storage area. The infamous “Pool Party”, where the four of them bought a childs wading pool, filled it with water, then sat around it drinking “Jungle Juciea”, a vile liquid that was approximately 95% alcohol. ”Table Surfing” at the OB Club. Thunder runs. Bruce’s physical training test, where Bruce completed his two-mile run and proceeded to puke approximately 50 gallons of beer into the potted plants in front of the Post Chapel.

These incidents, and many more like them, made these intrepid warriors Legends in Their Own Time.

And so much for my attempt at spinning a magical story.

Bruce, Mike and Wendy were my best friends. Back in those days, we were pretty much inseparable, and closer than brothers and sisters. In the 23 years since we parted ways, I’ve come to realize that they were probably the best friends I’ve had in my life up until now. Throughout the years, when life has thrown me some curves or has decided to shit all over me, my mind would sometimes think of them, and regardless of the circumstances, I would have to smile. We were all young and little crazy, and got into some situations that I still can’t believe we made it through without going to jail or getting our asses kicked.

Thanks to social networking sites, three of the four of us have reconnected, and I’m looking for the fourth. We’re now learning about what the others have been up to in the past quarter century. For me, I think it’s cool to reconnect with old and dear friends, and see what direction their lives have taken. We’ve all gone down different paths, but from what I have gotten from Bruce and Mike, all of us look back on those times with fondness. Crazy,fun times, but also very special.

The OB Patrol: Too Hip – Gotta Go.

Out in the Provinces

2010-02-15T19:30:00.000+10:00

As I may have mentioned before, my in-laws live in the provinces in Central Luzon. Meaning that they live out in the country, surrounded by rice fields. While they are only 10 minutes away from a major city, it feels like you are totally out in the sticks. Some people would have a problem with this, but I happen to like it a lot. I normally use my visits there to reconnect with people I really like and to relax completely.
The speed of life is a lot slower, the stress levels are different. A different vibe completely.

There are some things that I really love about where they live and some that I find bizarre.

Getting Blessed: Filipino’s have this custom where upon meeting someone or seeing friends or relatives, if you are younger than someone you take their right hand and touch it to your forehead. Sort of a sign of respect. When I do it to an older person, people really dig it, like I’m making an effort to fit in. On the first day of this last visit, I was sitting on the terrace hanging out and all of the kids came up to get blessed, grabbing my hand and touching it to their foreheads. After about 10 minutes of this, I felt like Don Corelone. They also do it right after Mass lets out, for some strange reason. It’s a sign of respect to the elders, and people tend to get a kick out of it when I get blessed from them.

Fast Food: In the case of where my wife’s family lives, it comes to you, sometimes right to your door. The normal system of delivery is on the back of a bicycle, where the various hawkers will ride past your house shouting out what they are selling. You simply stop them and purchase what you want. All of it is cheap, and all of it is good. My personal favorite is the pan de sal lady. For those of you who don’t know what it is, pan de sal’s are bread, similar to dinner rolls, a little chewy on the outside, usually still warm. They are my breakfast of choice along with a cup of coffee, and a dozen of the things can be bought for less than a buck. They’re amazing. Steamed corn-on-the-cob is also a favorite, served nice and hot. Later in the day, the ice cream guys roll by, selling soft serve off the back of a bike. And of course, there is the balut guy. Balut is a fermented duck egg with the partially formed duck embryo inside, a Filipino delicacy that everyone in my wife’s family tries to get me to eat and I refuse to get near. The smell alone grosses me out.

Visiting, Country Style: Since everyone in my wife’s village knows everyone or is somehow related to each other, we generally go visiting. Walk to someone’s house, sit and bullshit for a while, catch up on the latest rumors and gossip, move on. Usually the visitor will get offered soft drinks or something to munch on. My wife has an aunt who loves to feed me mochi and other tasty goodies. Even though I don’t speak the language, it’s still fun. I get treated well and rarely feel like an outsider, even though I’m the only white boy within several miles of the place. I’m accepted, usually referred to as Daddy Troy.

Family: When it comes to family relationships, Americans and Filipino’s have a completely different outlook on things. In most American families, most of us aren’t that close to our first cousins, and many of us don’t even know who are second cousins are. Not so in a Filipino family. They know their entire family, including second cousins, on a first name basis. They also know their children and pretty much everything about them. Since most Filipino’s out in the provinces have huge families, it would seem to me that keeping up with all of this information would be really difficult, but they pull it off. When my wife starts chatting about this family member or that one, I usually just nod and pretend to know who the hell she is talking about. Most of the time, unless it happens to be a brother or sister or someone that I have actually met more than once, I have no clue who she is referring to. Or, the wife will throw up clues if I have the deer-in-the-headlights look on my face. “Remember Auntie Mae, the one who made you the fried noodles?” That’s usually when recognition kicks in.

Videoke: Most Filipinos I know are insane about videoke and karaoke. For special occasions, you can actually rent a machine and have it delivered to your house. On this last trip, Assholus Maximus’s (one of my brother-in-laws that I loathe) had a birthday and rented a machine. It got set up in the back of his house, and all of his friends sat around singing and drinking Red Horse (which I refer to as Caballo Diablo (Devil Horse) Beer. Since I have a hard time being around him and some of his asshole friends, I chose not to participate. Since Arnel Pineda became the front man for the band Journey, you can always expect to hear the same two or three Journey songs sung repeatedly and badly. That is one reason I feel that the new president of the Philippines’s first act in office should be to ban the sale and use of videoke machines.

Like I said, it’s a hell of a lot of fun to go there, in spite of some of the bullshit that usually happens with my in-laws.

Sunday Morning Gibberish

2010-02-14T07:10:00.000+10:00

Random gibberish, for no particular reason other than the fact that it’s 6 AM on a Sunday morning and I can’t sleep.

- The other day I had a sit down meeting with my supervisor, which is pretty rare. Most of the time, we only talk about what needs to be done and we leave each other alone. It’s not that we don’t like each other. Quite the contrary. It’s safe to say that I love the woman dearly. She’s more like family than a supervisor. The fact us that she’s incredibly busy and I don’t want to waste her time. I try to give her as much information as possible on what I am doing, get the feedback I need from her, and drive on. For the personal stuff, we stand around over cigarettes and coffee and bullshit with each other, but for work stuff we do drive bys, which I have no problem with and I think she appreciates.

One of the things that she mentioned during the brief sit-down meeting is that one of the upper managers told her that she feels that I and a few other people in my department are overpaid. These are the same people who are trying to drive my supervisor out of her position, trying to make her quit. At first when I was told that they felt I was overpaid I was pissed off. After about an hour, I realized that I just had to laugh about it. I’m one of those guys who comes in early and tries not to bitch much about things, so hearing that statement showed exactly how out of touch with reality some of the senior managers are.
The people in my department work insane hours, get called to work on stuff on their own time & are constantly looking for ways to make things better, but get treated by upper management like shit. I just keep repeating my mantra for 2010 (“When All Else Fails – S.T.F.U.”) and keep driving on.

- Spaghetti O’s for breakfast? Why the hell not? Sounds like quality nutrition to me.

- It has been a week since I left the Philippines and the wife. You would think that after living by my own self for nearly 3 years before The Gorgeous One arrived here that I could easily transition back into being by myself again, but you would be wrong. After 7 months of marriage, a guy gets used to certain little things in day to day life. Struggling with sleep, and a few other issues as well. Needless to say, I miss her a lot. Aside from the fact that I can now smoke in the bathroom while taking a dump, it sucks that she’s not here. I miss her physical presence, if that makes any sense. We talked last night, and it’s looking like the end of March before she will be back. Surgery is tentatively scheduled for early March, with a couple of weeks of recovery at her mom’s house. She has one more test that has to be done before the surgery, but it can’t be done until the first week of March. Wish she was here right now.

- Watched two movies yesterday that I would like to mention. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is a funny movie, just not nearly as funny as the book it’s based off of. Facing Ali is great if you are even a minor fan of boxing. In this flick, 10 different boxers talk about what it was like to fight Muhammad Ali. Really well done flick.

- One of the benefits of the medication that my dermatologist has me taking is the dreams I’ve been having. They’re vivid and pleasant and sometimes a little weird. One involved meeting singer Ann Wilson from Heart, standing outside by the back of a pickup truck, talking. Cool but bizarre. The other involved me winning the lottery, $4.5 million, and what actions would take place immediately following said win. The moving of money around to my daughter and other family members, the plans I would put into action, ways to sneak large bundles of cash onto an airplane.

Naturally, after having the last dream, I had to play the lottery yesterday. Naturally I didn’t win shit. Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it can sure as hell lease it.

More later - my Spaghetti O’s are getting cold.

Bernie Meets Thrash Metal Boy

2010-02-12T21:54:00.000+10:00

The following is a story of sorts that could only happen to me. If I was from the Deep South, it would begin with “ya’ll ain’t gonna believe this shit”, but since I’m not, it won’t.

It is, however, a True Story.

The Wife and I had an incident happen this past Monday that was both a little strange and weird at the same time, but in the long run made me laugh. Before I can get fully into it, let me introduce you to my brother-in-law Bernie.

Bernie is a rice farmer, and lives in a two room house deep in the provinces of Central Luzon in the Philippines. He works from sun up to sun down taking care of his rice crop, and because of his occupation, he’s built like someone who is not a stranger to hard physical labor. The man is thin but what there is of him is solid, strong, hard. While he is absolutely no one you would want to mess with, he’s also a hell of a lot of fun to be around. Amazing with children, laughs easily, enjoys life. Needless to say, I like and admire the hell out of him.

This past Monday evening, I had to go to Manila to board the plane that brought me back to Guam. The wife was of course going to take me to the airport, and Bernie and his wife wanted to tag along to the big city as well. We took tricycles (motorcycles with sidecars) to the nearby village, rode a Jeepney for a couple of miles, and eventually boarded the bus that took us all out of the provinces into Manila.

The trip was uneventful until we got into Manila. Wife and I talked and held on to each other, getting ready to deal with being temporarily separated while she undergoes continuing medical treatment. Bernie and his wife were also using it as a time to be somewhat alone, to talk and just hang out together.

The bus arrived at Cubao Station in central Manila, and from there we all got in the taxi that would take us out to the airport. The plan was to drop me off, then The Wife, Bernie and his wife would head back out to the provinces. My wife does this because she worries about me going to Manila by myself, which is both a little annoying and touchingly sweet at the same time.

It started getting weird when we got into the taxi that would take us from Cubao Station to the airport. Our driver was a young guy who happened to like what could be called thrash metal or death metal music. In fact, he liked it so much that he was singing along with the CD that he was playing, oblivious to the four middle aged passengers he was taking to the airport. Now I’m a fan of all types of music, but this sounded more like shouting than singing, so I was a little bit annoyed. I kept my peace, focusing on the last remaining moments I would be able to spend with my wife for the next month-six weeks.

We finally end up at the airport, and all of us jump out of the taxi. My wife takes note of the amount on the meter, and tips the driver an additional 25% on top of the fare, just because she has a good heart and knows that people work hard. This is in spite of the annoyance that Thrash Metal Boy caused us with his choice of music and the horrible singing along to his little ditties of death and hate.

Apparently, a 25% tip was displeasing to Thrash Metal Boy, because he said something I could not understand to my wife. At that moment, I started easing my way between my wife and the asshole in question, seeing if he had enough nerve to say to me whatever the hell it was he was saying to my wife. While I am not a violent person by nature, insulting my wife is not a good way to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I was more than fully prepared to get White Boy Crazy on his ass if I had to, even if it meant missing my flight to have my foot removed from his ass.

It was at that moment that Bernie stepped in front of me and got within about 18 inches of this retarded taxi drivers face. He said something that I didn’t understand in Tagalog to the driver, a short simple phrase, stated very softly but in a tone that didn’t require translation. It was at that very moment that Thrash Metal Boy realized that he was in some rather serious danger, turned around and walked back to his taxi and left.

After I said my goodbyes to Bernie and his wife, the wife and I had our goodbye. It was then that I asked her what exactly Bernie had said to the driver. She told me “He told him to just walk away.”

Just walk away. A simple phrase that at that moment meant “Just walk away or be prepared to meet God in the very near future.”

For some reason, I couldn’t stop laughing, and five days later still find it amusing as hell.

The PI Trip

2010-02-12T20:13:00.000+10:00

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, so I thought I’d throw a few words out here in the ether and update all on this thing I call My Life.

I returned from the Philippines on early Tuesday morning, after spending 10 days there with The Wife (a.k.a. The Gorgeous One) and those wacky folks known as The In-Laws. The purpose of the trip was because The Gorgeous One had medical appointments in Manila at St. Luke’s Hospital, in order to try to get a problem she has corrected for once and for all. Instead of boring everyone (including myself) with all the day-to-day minutia of the trip, let me just throw out the highlights and lowlights.

-Because the medical treatment facilities here on Guam aren’t what you call state of the art, we were referred to St. Luke’s by The Wife’s doctor and the insurance company. Let me just state for the record that St. Luke’s is a kick-ass hospital, one of the best I’ve ever been in. They treated and continue to treat The Gorgeous One really well. Because my wife’s family lives fairly close to Manila, we were commuting back and forth every other day from her families’ compound by bus instead of staying in Manila. While my in-laws live out in the country, the hospital was only about 90 minutes away.

-Last week, the wife had a test where they put an IV into her and inject die, then scan her. It’s called a full contrast CT scan. One of the side effects we were told about was that she may develop a rash. Two days after the test, The Gorgeous One woke up with a head to toe rash. After contacting the hospital and being told that the rash would have happened almost immediately and not a couple of days later, we went to see a local dermatologist. I say “we” because for a couple of weeks before going there, I had been suffering from some skin problems of my own. Turns out that The Gorgeous One had somehow contracted German measles, and I have the human equivalent of scabies. We’re both getting better, except that I now have to bathe with a soap made from coal tar, and had to shave my head.

-The Wife is still in the Philippines, and will be for at least another four to six weeks. She will be having surgery sometime in the next 10 days or so to finally correct the problem that she has. I only wish that I could have stayed through the surgery, but I don’t have enough vacation time stashed away. She will be well taken care of by her many sisters, and once the surgery is completed she’s only expected to remain in the hospital for a couple of days.

-When we weren’t dealing with The Medical Profession, we spent a lot of time hanging out with my in-laws. Like a lot of Filipino families, my wife has a lot of relatives. Most of them are cool, some are slightly irritating, and they have their fair share of complete assholes as well. The second Saturday we were there, one of her brothers decided that it would be a fine idea to get drunk and start trouble for no particular reason. This did not sit well with my bride, and it took massive amounts of self control on my part not to punch him back to the Middle Ages.

-We also had issues with one of her sisters and the idiot that she’s married to. The Gorgeous One has been supporting these two and their kids for countless years, because Idiot Boy has a hard time staying employed, and one of their daughters has some major health issues. It’s at the point now where Her Wifeliness has told them that, while she will continue to pay for the daughter’s medication (approximately US $10 per month), they should expect to not receive more than that until they remove their heads from their asses. It should be said that while my wife has the patience of a saint, she also has her limit as well.

-The trip was also good for us as a couple. We got to spend a lot of time just sitting around talking and enjoying each other’s company in a relaxed mode and not dealing with the mundane day to day bullshit that we all have to deal with. We hung out with her family, many of whom I like a lot, ate massive amounts of great food, drank a few cold adult beverages, and generally had a good time. My bronchitis went completely away, and while I ate a lot I actually lost 10 pounds, thus curing the horrible snoring that the Gorgeous One had to put up with.

All in all, a good trip. I’m back here on Guam by me own self, and once the wife’s surgery is completed, she will rejoin me here. I miss her terribly, but this is one of those things that we will come out far ahead on in the long run.

More stories later, including ones about the cabbie that almost lost his life, The Talkative Grandma, and bad parenting at its finest.

My Date With Healh Care

2010-01-27T13:54:00.001+10:00

Tuesday morning, I had to once again avail myself of heath care. Now those who know me know that I won’t go see a doctor unless something requires stitching up, a bone is broken, or something seriously bad has happened. Well, what happened on Sunday night was almost seriously bad, so I made an appointment to see Doctor Ed.

For lack of a better term, we’ll call it The Coughing Incident. I have been fighting a cold and bronchitis on and off for the last two weeks, and thought I was getting the better of it. Sunday evening, I laid down to get some sleep and started coughing. And coughing. And coughing. For close to 4 hours, it was pretty much unstoppable. Hard, heavy coughing, the kind that makes the bottom of your stomach hurt. I must have also been running a bit of a fever, because I also sweat through the t-shirt I was wearing, as if I had walked into the shower. To be honest, it was a little scary.

The wife, who believes that I should see a doctor for almost anything, didn’t have to tell me to make an appointment with the good Doctor Ed. I was the first one to call the clinic on Monday morning. That’s what you call a “no brainer”.

My personal physician could be described as a bit of a curmudgeon, but I love the guy to death. He knows that if I make an appointment, it’s not for some bullshit reason to waste his time or worry about some minor ailment. He examined me, and determined that I don’t have pneumonia. I do have really bad bronchitis, with a bit of a cold thrown in for good measure. He knows that I don’t have a problem with drugs, so he laid a prescription for some serious antibiotic firepower on me, along with some cough syrup that is mostly codeine. When I left the clinic, he warned me about the cough syrup, telling me not to plan on using any machinery more complicated than the remote control if I used it. I left his clinic upbeat.

Get home last night, get the typical “I told you that you were sick” lecture from the wife, and proceed to ingest my medicines. Two teaspoonfuls and an hour later, I understood what the doc and the pharmacist meant about the cough syrup. It didn’t make me sleepy or drowsy, but it did make me feel relaxed. Totally relaxed, stress free, no worries. The apartment could have caught fire, and I would have very calmly put my pants on and walked outside. Not buzzed, but happy.

Tomorrow morning, the wife and I get on an airplane and head off for Manila. She has doctor’s appointments next week at St. Luke’s Medical Center, and will more than likely have minor surgery sometime later in the month. Because of my limited vacation time, I can only stay there for 10 days, but the wife plans on staying for at least a month. I’m hoping that the change in scenery and temperature (small that it is) will help the bronchitis. I’m also hoping to be in a stress free environment away from work so I can finally quit smoking. Knowing my in-laws, the stress free part is probably a dream, but a guy can hope.

Something else I have learned recently concerns my wife. I have been married to a Korean woman and am currently married to a Filipina, and have learned that both past and present wives do not know what the term “pack lightly” means. As in “get out the bathroom scale and weigh the luggage and hope we have enough room”. I don’t blame her, but I know it’s gonna be a pain in the ass.

Putting a Theory Into Practice

2010-01-24T07:28:00.000+10:00

I have a theory for dealing with those fun people we all have to deal with on a regular basis. You know, the assholes and idiots that we all have to put up with on a regular basis, that make our lives harder than they really need to be.

My theory is this: if you speak to them in total gibberish or with phrases that make no sense in the context of the conversation, then chances are they will leave you alone and avoid dealing with you in the future. My default for these types of conversation are lines from some of my favorite movies and lyrics from Who songs.

There’s a guy in my company that is pretty much loathed by everyone. He believes that the success of the company in contingent on how he does his job, and that everyone else in the company is beneath him in social status. Unfortunately, I had to deal with him recently concerning a project I am working on, and decided to put my theory into practice.

ASSHOLE: Hey, man, I need to talk to you about the project, see where you stand with it.
ME: Excitement. Adventure. A Jedi seeks not these things.
ASSHOLE: What?
ME: Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
ASSHOLE: What the hell are you talking about?
ME: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
ASSHOLE: What is this, some kind of a joke?
ME: Don’t cry, don’t raise your eye, it’s only teenage wasteland.
ASSHOLE: What the hell’s wrong with you?
ME: This morning I woke up and shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I have no idea.

And butt-boy walks away, shaking his head, convinced that I am in fact insane. This is a Good Thing, because it means he will not be seeking my counsel in the near future, and I can get back to taking care of the business at hand.

I love humanity – it’s people I can’t stand.